Black Holes of Life

When my husband died I fell into a deeper depression than I was already as we were going through a divorce and got back together only to find out he had a month to live. I am still depressed but no where near where I used to be. I fell into one of the black holes of my life and I never thought I would ever feel again, love again or want to be with someone again but that phase has passed finally. It’s normal to fall into a depression when a relationship ends and it lasts approximately two years.

We try to get over the relationship the best way we know how, drinking, drugs, lovers, superficial relationships are all part of the healing process. Then one day we wake up and realize this isn’t what we want or how we want to live and we quit the drugs, drinking and we leave the shallow relationship that we have used to keep us afloat. The majority of the world believes that if they made ten percent more money they would be happy but that is bullshit because money doesn’t make happiness.

The only thing money does is give us stuff and after a while we get tired of the stuff and want something deeper and as human beings we need a connection with another person. What all of us want and need is a deep connection with another person and we thrive so when we have love in our lives. Everything is so much better, easier to deal with and more fulfilling when you are in love and the world doesn’t seem to be such a dismal place any longer. It doesn’t matter what you do for a living because all you think about is going home to the one you love.

You can always tell when someone is in love because they shine, they sparkle and they are so much “lighter” in their step, thoughts and actions. Being in love is a wonderful feeling and even this pea brain can remember how good it felt even though it’s been about 35 years since I was in love. I so look forward to falling in love again and one day it will happen but not today unfortunately for me but that’s ok because I believe God will bring to me the man who is meant for me in the time God sees fit.

My texting buddy has texted me once again and he says he is attracted to me but we have never met and he says he needs to get money together to come see me. My instant reaction was to tell him he could stay at my rv until it sold, if it sells but I have been burned so bad that I didn’t make the offer and besides I do not even know him. I want to meet him but I am not going to put myself out again to meet someone, they are going to have to come to me on their own time and dime.

When you are raised dirt poor and finally are able to work and bring in your income which is more than your friends you start to feel as if you should give and help those that don’t have as much as you and that is when your so called friends show their true colors. I can remember going out to dinner with friends and they expected me to pick up the tab because I made quite a bit more money than they did and that is when I was able to weed out the users from my real friends.

I have learned not to give so much to the wrong people and to keep my mouth shut when I really want to help someone because I have learned that helping people who wont help themselves is a waste. I am learning to be discriminative and only help those that really need it. I am a very proud person and it takes a lot for me to ask anyone for help because most people have an excuse why they can’t or won’t help you. I could marry a millionaire and still not take a dime from him because my issues are for me to take care of because I can even if it does take time.

When you are with someone for what they have then you are not with them at all as you focus on what you can benefit from the relationship. People want wealth and not do a damn thing for it and then they find out that money is nothing but dirty paper. I could never be involved with someone who I didn’t have an emotional tie with because that just isn’t me and I don’t care what they can buy me they can never buy my love and to me that means everything, really loving someone for themselves.

Rejection

In my opinion the one thing that keeps us from moving forward with someone we are attracted to is the fear of rejection. Our own insecurities hold us back from being with someone who we want to be with and this is what keeps us from being with someone. I’ve been rejected my share of times in life and yes it does not feel good but at least I never had to wonder if there could be anything worth building upon with another person. We build up these huge scenarios in our minds and that is what holds us back.

What we fail to realize is we are cheating ourselves from the happiness we are entitled to and if you find yourself attracted to someone and do not act on it you will never know if you have denied yourself a fantastic friendship. The one thing that bothers us is the unknown and the fear of the unknown and as adults we have experienced so much hurt in our lives that we just cannot bring ourselves to go “for it”. I think it is so much better to know if there is something between the two of you instead of wondering and guessing.

People know when there is an attraction as you can feel it, yes you can and you can bet that the other person is feeling the same thing but neither know how to move forward. I’m attracted to someone and have been for a very long time but I cannot validate it because he won’t make himself available. If we ever were to meet I have no doubt we would build a great friendship if nothing more and that is important to me, friendship. The one real way to find out if someone is attracted to you is kissing them.

A kiss is not just a kiss, a kiss tells you all you need to know as the passion and desire come out and yes your body does tingle and there you have it, the physical sign of attraction. When two people meet there is either an instant attraction or you are totally turned off by their personality. A personality is so important because when you meet someone who is the second thing you are judged on and of course the first is personal appearance. I for one have been attracted to men that are not attractive one bit but their personalities were awesome.

I have learned through much loss and pain that going after what you want is the way to live life because we are on this earth for a finite time and happiness awaits all of us, if only we would grab it. It’s no fun wondering if someone is right for you or not and if the feelings are not mutual then it’s better to know sooner than later so both of you can continue on with your lives. You can never meet anyone new if you are tied to feelings for someone else, it just will not happen so go for what you want and find out the answers that you have, even if they are not the ones you want.

Turning Point

Have you ever felt that your life is changing rapidly? That things that felt right before no longer feel that way any longer? Have you ever felt a need for a change and only you can make that change? That’s where I am at in my life which is a turning point for me as I re-evaluate how I feel about my life, the people in my life, the person I have feelings for and how I have allowed people to treat me in general. It’s as if a bucket of cold water has been thrown in my face and it’s time to wake the fuck up and make the necessary changes.

The started out as usual, I woke up feeling tired and as I had a cup of tea I sat back and looked around the house and how nice it is to have a clean house finally. I am down to the last of the shit that needs to go into the garage until I can dump it and I am not far off from getting the house listed, finally. I peed and weighed myself and to my surprise I have actually lost my first pound which makes me feel good because it shows progress no matter how small.

I am getting my list of stuff together to go back to the rv and I need to repair the antennae as it won’t go up, probably the damn worm gear is stripped but I will deal with that when I go back. I plan on staying at the rv quite a bit until it is sold because I love it so much. I wake up there and I have few responsibilities and I can just chill, no stress, no bullshit and I can meditate which is very helpful to me. I so love the country and the freedom from the daily grind.

I’m sick of feeling that I am not good enough, pretty enough, just enough in general and I’m changing the way I see myself and I’m doing the work that needs to be done to make the neccessary changes. It really sucks being alone but it’s better than stuck in a losing relationship and eventually the right man will come into my life and I will be so fucking happy one day that people will wish they were where I am at. Happiness comes to us in different forms and my happiness evolves around service.

I am happiest when I am service to others especially in a relationship where I can give to someone who appreciates it, someone who sees me for who I am. I need to be in a relationship to grow and thrive and I haven’t had that in so long I feel as if I have stunted my own growth. It’s time for me to like who I am and it’s time to get my shit together and look forward to tomorrow instead of having no interest in it and not caring if it comes or not, I have to stay positive and hopeful or else my life will always suck.