The Answer

Why do people play with others emotions? Quite simply put the person doing the playing gets a MASSIVE ego-boost to know that they have some kind of a control over you AND your emotions. Basically, its a POWER thing and the person is quite immature. They cannot see their own short commings and they obviously have been hurt by someone and the only thing they can do about it is to build up their own egos by hurting someone else. They do not care about the person they just need to feel superior and by playing with someone’s emotions they get their boost.

Divorce plays a huge part in when playing with another’s emotions as the person is trying to rebuild themselves after being devastated with the divorce process. Men do not do well after divorce and they are more likely to commit suicide or have a heart attack compared to women. Men tend to remarry quicker than women because they need a relationship to help validate them. The man who plays with another’s emotions and sends them off on wild goose chases does this only to build up himself.

When a man acts like that he is in need of therapy to sort out his emotions from his divorce as this is what has led him to act in such a way. He doesn’t care about the other person and has a certain amount of anger towards women in general. He needs to feel better about himself and fucking with a woman’s emotions is the only way he can rebuild himself as a man or so he thinks and in the process he gives away a piece of himself that is vital to his growth as a person.

So while you are hurting and using another to rebuild yourself step back for a moment and think about how you would feel if this were done to you. Think about how damaging you are and how you are destroying a part of the person you play with. When a wealthy person gets dumped they really cannot grasp the real reasons why because they gave their spouse everything materially but they do not realize that isn’t what was needed in the relationship, they disengage from the relationship slowly without even realizing it.

Some say they married to young which is bullshit because there are marriages that have spanned the time of more than fifty years, they didn’t marry to young, they let the relationship grow apart and in different directions. They think by being a great provider is the most important thing which is the farthest thing from the truth. It gets old when one partner isn’t there for family events or to watch their child play a simple game of baseball and this is how relationships fall apart because you must be an active participant and when you are not then you are no longer part of the family fold.

Halt

I have given my Georgia texting buddy the axe because I do not believe he likes me in the way he has stated to me. I do not believe anyone is attracted to me no matter what bullshit they try to pass along to me. I am so sick of the bullshit and I sit here crying because my feelings have been so hurt. It isn’t right to play with people and when someone has had everything they have ever wanted they become so full of themselves and think they are entitled to fuck with others.

I had another person contact me today and tell me they want me, what a bunch of shit as I was so fucking stupid to fly to NY to meet this person only to be stood up. I will never make that mistake ever again and I will no longer fall for the games and lies. This second I feel like cutting my throat because I cannot stand the pain in my heart and I am finding that it doesn’t pay to care for another person that only gets off when they can fuck with my head and heart.

I am no longer available for the lame and fucking stupid asshole that thinks he can use his knowledge and power to control me and I will not play his games any longer. Like I said before if you aren’t standing in front of me you do not exist and as far as I am concerned you can continue feeding your ego by giving interviews, signing autographs and meeting other rich and famous shallow mother fuckers like yourself. You are mean and hateful and I am sorry your wife dumped you and left you in such a fucked up state but deal with it already.

Grow the fuck up and be mature for once in your fucking life and go fuck one of the other shallow assholes in the world like yourself. I am mad, hurt and I am sick of it so grow some fucking balls and leave me alone, grow the fuck  up and be a man instead of a little boy. You don’t have the balls to meet me so leave me alone and do not think for one minute that I will wait for you because I am not and never will be there for your beck and call like your fucking maid or pilot.

You are so fucked up you do not know if you want to be with a man or a woman so go fuck someone in the ass or get on all fours and spread your cheeks for your cock lover.

Games

People play stupid games and they fuck with people’s feelings which isn’t nice to do as they pretend they care for you and are your friend which is far from the truth. They hack your computer, pretend to be hitting on you and give you false compliments. Some people take the game to another level as they become obsessed with you but do not have the balls to follow through with their feelings or true thoughts. I am not stupid and I know there are people playing these games with me as if I am some kind of complete idiot and do not know any better.

My life has been hard as hell and I do not appreciate people pretending to be interested in me only to lead me on and drop me on my face. If you cannot be a fucking man then get the fuck out of my life because I do not need nor appreciate the false acts of attraction. If you are not standing in front of me then you really do not even exist to me and I am so sick of people fucking with my head and it’s time to stop this type of action. I may remind you of someone you wished you were with or maybe you were in love with and that person dumped you but I am not that person and do not want to be either.

If you think you can control me and get me to fly to see you then you are sadly mistaken as that will never happen, again. I have made some stupid mistakes like chasing after love but no longer will I fall for the games and lies. You can sit back and laugh at me all you want and get off on the fact that you could “control” me like everyone else in your shallow fucking life. You think you are all that? Well if that’s the case then your wife wouldn’t have left you now would she?

You do not appreciate my friendship or care one fucking iota for me so go on and play with someone elses feelings because I am no longer available for you to fuck with. A real man goes after what he wants and doesn’t shy away from it or try to control it and a real man doesn’t second guess himself and play fucking head games with himself. You can replay the scenario in your mind as much as you choose but it gets you nothing now does it? You want to be hero worshipped because that is how you build your ego but I would rather eat a plate of shit than to hero worship you.

Your ego is so fucking inflated you have no idea who you are or what you really want as you fly around the world in your private jet and you do not have anything I want and you cannot attract my attention by your wealth or fame. You are the sorriest excuse of a man who I have ever ran across and I am so tired of your insecure bullshit I want to puke and I am not excited one bit to have you following me like a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. If you have an ounce of decency then leave me alone and get out of my life.

When You Love

When you love someone, I mean that kind of love that makes you crazy, silly and wild at times how do you show that person how you feel? Do you buy them everything you can afford? Do you show them off to your friends and family? Do you get in their shit when they need it? Do you show your love physically by hugs and kisses? Everyone shows love differently and everyone wants love shown to them differently as well. When I love someone I want to give them the world and do everything I can for them.

When you are raised with no love and affection you either grow up to treat others the same way or you do the complete opposite, which is what I do. I am so damn affectionate and cannot help myself as I want to cook their favorite foods, give them massages, run them a bath and bathe them, hug and kiss them all the time and I love to hold hands. I am the great romantic and I love candles and quiet dinners and I want to see them happy and I want to make their world all they have ever wanted it to be.

I have never had anyone do for me as I have done for them maybe it’s because I have always chosen the wrong men and I have let those men treat me like shit. I no longer allow anyone to disrespect me or treat me poorly because I deserve so much better. I do not know why I have never had real love in my adult life but I know God will not let me be alone forever and I know he watches over me. When people get to know me, really know me they find that I am always there for them if they mean anything to my life.

I have learned to live in the moment and grab the brass ring when I can because I had only a month with my husband before he died and that month flew by. So many want to much in this life but all I want is to be loved and be happy and I do not need material shit to make me happy. I have learned that life is so very short and to enjoy it while we can and I know there is one special person out there that would appreciate what I have to offer and how much love I have to give.

Lose It

I finally have this weight watchers program down pat, yep you have to track everything you eat, cut out all the junk and exercise, which I cannot do at this time because I pulled a muscle in my knee. I have finally made a move in the right direction to get myself healthier which will make me happier. Losing weight at my age is so damn hard to do but can be done, pound by pound and that is my goal to keep losing slowly so I change my entire eating habits and diet.

I’m not ashamed of my body but I do not enjoy how I look or feel and that is why I am making these changes, not for anyone but myself. I’ve got the solar eclipse in my corner which brings endings and new beginnings in all walks of life. This eclipse focuses on health and I started before the eclipse came so this works out good because if you start anything shortly before the eclipse you will be successful. The eclipse, eclipses out of our life which no longer serves us in a positive manner.

Jobs, relationships, living areas ect all change and this is good as I want to sell my home, really must sell it. I’m good with this because there are to many memories here and Bob is here watching everything I do and always making me feel like I am inferior and doing a poor job raising our family. I was never good enough when Bob was alive and now that he is gone physically he still tries to destroy me and he makes me feel like shit more often than not.

People do not believe the dead speak but they do and in this house the dead scream and yell and there is no shutting it out and Ryan saw his dad sitting in the chair one day so yes the dead do walk among us. In my old house Bob saw my grandmother walk into Shelby’s room when she was only a couple of months old. I believe in things most do not and most people think I am out in left field because I believe in the after life, astrology and all things metaphysical.

So many believe in the Bible and I do as well but in limited amounts as man has rewritten the good book so many times and so much that is written conflicts with other parts of the Bible. People can go to church every week yet they fuck their neighbor’s wife, steal, cheat, lie ect. and believe me they are no better off going to mass. I do not think I am better or smarter than anyone else but I am an intelligent individual that is strong-willed and head strong at times.

 

When The Heart

When the heart aches

And you have no one

To take away those pains

You sit and wonder

What is wrong with you

Loved by so very few

Noticed by none

That is what I feel

Lost in space

No longer in good grace

Just another fool 

Among fools

Another wandering soul

Left empty and hurting

So lost and alone

This must all change

Hopefully

A Leap

I have tried to stay positive through most of my troubled times because I know something better is coming to me and yes it is sad when something comes to and end but I know something better will replace it. I have been alone, completely alone for over two years now and I have discovered so much about myself that I was unaware of before. I can raise two kids by myself and yes I can make things happen when I believe and I believe that God is guiding me to the palace door.

It’s been a strange time for me as I can feel myself changing, changing the way I view situations, people and how I have allowed myself to be treated poorly by others. This is all changing as I no longer allow people to disrespect me and talk to me like I am shit. I spend most of my time on the computer and yesterday I had someone except a friendship on fb that I never sent and he talked to me like I was nothing but trash and he doesn’t even know me. At one time I would play along and laugh at shit like that but not any longer.

My Georgia texting friend pulled a shocker on me yesterday as he made it clear that he likes me quite a bit and even thinks I am pretty. My husband never ONCE told me I was pretty, nope not one single time in our 18 yrs of marriage. He told me on a very rare occasion I looked nice but that was the extent of his compliments. I know my husband married me only for the shit that I had and how hard I worked to bring in extra cash flow as he had lost everything in a prior divorce.

My husband was so into impressing everyone else that impressing his own family meant nothing to him, I meant nothing to him but another paycheck. It hurts like hell to know that I was reduced to dollars and cents but it is the truth, the hard truth that I have accepted so long ago. People cannot understand why I do not want more, more money, more security, more of everything but I honestly do not want more of anything but to be loved for who I am and no I am no great catch but I’m a pretty damn good one at least in my eyes.

My texting friend and I had a conversation regarding how we were going to move forward and I made it clear to him that I do not want his financial help raising my kids and taking care of myself. I won’t lie, money is tight and I am barely making it but I will always make it and take care of my kids by myself regardless if there is a man in my life or not. It’s not that I do not need his help it’s just the way I am as I  do not rely on anyone for help and for some reason I do not want anyone’s help.

If I do not sell the house I will eventually lose it as the income coming into this house is not much and now that Shelby doesn’t have anymore social security things have gotten even tighter. The one thing in my favor is it is a sellers market right now as there are so few homes up for sale. I plan on having this house listed my the second week in June and I do believe it will sell by fall if not sooner and then I will just rent a house until I find the house that fits our needs.

“D” has a farm in  Georgia and we chatted about where we would live if things worked out between us and he talked about selling his farm which just will not work and I told him so. I do not want him to sell his farm as it’s in my blood and the importance of a farm to me is one of the things I hold near and dear to my heart. How strange for two people that have never met to talk about living together if things work out and we haven’t met yet but stranger things have happened.

Even though I have feelings for someone else I have got to open myself up to meeting other men and maybe having a relationship because I know it’s time to move forward. I can no longer wait for “him” to take a step forward and I can no longer put my life on hold for him. He is so wrapped up in making money and his financial future that he is letting the important things slip between his fingers but it’s his life to live the way he so chooses and it doesn’t include me.

I believe he is depressed and reads what I write because he can relate to some of what I have been through and I doubt there are many people in his life that understands the pain he has been through. No one knows our trials and tribulations but ourselves but there are others in this world that have experienced similar experiences. I do not know if he is afraid because he doesn’t want to be hurt anymore or if I just am not good enough and I feel as if both are the front runners.

Hon, if you are reading this I so wish I could take away the pain in your heart and make sunshine available each and every day of your life but I cannot as you refuse to let me. It’s always hard to move forward and to open one’s self up to another and even if we were nothing but friends, isn’t it more important to have a good friend then a false lover? Isn’t it better to know someone cares for you just for you and not your fame and name? Isn’t it better to be cared for by a friend then to sleep with someone who isn’t “filling the bill” inside you?