I So Miss

One thing that I have missed for so many years is true romance and being in love. Being in love is the best feeling in the world as all you think about is being with that person, your heart literally skips several beats and you always feel such excitement inside. When you are deeply in love you cannot wait for the person to return from work so you can be with them, you look forward to just chilling with the person and talking and not talking and just feeling complete being with that person.

It’s such a great feeling when you build up enough trust with another person that you can share things with that you wouldn’t share with anyone else. You can tell that person your troubles and worries without fear and you can get advice and guidance from someone who has your best interest at heart. I miss this so much but hey, what can I do about it? Nada, not a single thing as I am not one to put myself out there as far as meeting people and the internet seems to be my only connection to the world of dating.

I do not go to bars, rarely drink and don’t do drugs so it’s hard to meet people so the next person I fall in love with will be a total surprise as if they had fallen out of the sky. When I am in love nothing bothers me and the little things that annoyed me fall to the wayside as my focus is on that person and that person alone. Cheating never plays a part in my relationships because I am either with you 100% or I am not so the one I am with doesn’t have to worry about that.

I so love the feeling of being in love as it makes me feel better about myself and who I am as I am totally excepted for the person I am and any changes I make, I make for me. I’m working hard at losing weight because in this society you are judged harshly if you have excess weight like I do. I am bound and determined to get back to a good fighting weight as they call it and I will feel so much better about myself. I was never one to dream about marriage like most girls as I never thought I would ever get married but I did.

I didn’t have a wedding like most as we were married at the justice of the peace because we were broke and trying to rebuild our lives, he recovering from a divorce and I recovering from the damage done to me financially through a relationship I was in. I don’t need the wedding and flowers to cement my relationship as my heart is in it and when that happens you have the entire package all to yourself. Being in love is the one thing missing from my life but I am not alone that is for sure.

To Re-examine

As we get grow older we look at our life, the past and the present and we must re-examine our goals for the future as life changes so rapidly on us. When I married, I honestly thought he would be my mate for life as that was my goal and being raised in a divorced home was not conducive with a healthy lifestyle or learning experience. I never dated a lot even when I had moved out and had my own place as relationships and committment mean everything to me.

I have always been one to date one person and one person only and when things fell apart I just went it alone for a very long time before I met someone else that I was attracted to. I honestly can count on my ten fingers the relationships that I have had in my adult life. When in a relationship I stay a very long time regardless of the situation or how I have been treated and that is why I am not a relationship “whore”. I have watched some of my friends get involved with someone just to have someone in their life, which didn’t do a damn thing for them in the long run.

I don’t need a marriage certificate to commit, all I need is someone who is willing to work with me and work out any problems we may have as I will not walk away when things get tough. The reason I filed for divorce from my husband is because he disengaged from the family and didn’t spend time with my son. I could see the damage being done to my son and daughter and it sickened me but when he died I finally was able to realize why he pulled away.

Depression, especially in a man is hard to as we are so consumed on carrying for our children that we cannot see how deep our mate has sunk into depression. When a man loses is job he loses part of himself that is vital for his happiness and this includes those that retire. Bob was forced to retire and his entire identity was tied to his work and who he was, that is where he was respected and got the pat on the back that he needed to feel whole. I couldn’t see that at the time but I can see it clearly now.

I have reevaluated my life and where I want to be in five years and how I plan on going about it to get there and no a man is not in the grand scheme of things because even though I want to be involved I will not sell myself short just to have a relationship. I can only focus on myself and my children and do the best I can to get us where we need to be. My life currently revolves around much change and growth as I am throwing out the old so there is room for the new.

Some people need to be in a relationship at all times because they fall in love with love and function better when they have a mate regardless if they are happy or not. This is not good as the person needs to be alone to find themselves and what they really want out of life. When you are alone you grow and sometimes that growth can be leaps and bounds and we are so much better for that time to find ourselves. We tend to get more focused and we realize what is truly important to us.