Milestones

Since my husband passed away I have been trying so hard to move on and yes it’s been damn hard as I have been stuck with some large financial responsibilities. I have been so consumed with my kids and their issues that somewhere along the line I lost myself and who I am. When you are married you identify with your family and as a woman I was someones wife and mother but who is Kimberly? I am finally getting my footing and have finally gotten past the needy stage in my life. I wanted to be loved so bad I put myself in situations that I normally wouldn’t have if I hadn’t been so depressed but that is what happens when you no longer have your spouse.

Men identify with their jobs and women identify with their families and when that structure breaks down it’s really hard to find out who you really are once again. I think everyone goes through a needy phase when they lose their spouse and we try to rebuild ourselves through others by jumping into a relationship. We fool ourselves into thinking that if we are with someone else that life will be happy and fulfilling but that is not true. We end up not only hurting ourselves but the person we are with as well but we do not see what we are doing at the time. It’s actually quite simple to get involved with another person and some people feel they need to have a partner in their lives when in fact the best thing is NOT to have a partner as you rediscover yourself once again.

It’s devastating to lose your partner through death or divorce as these relationships are very strong and one of a kind. The good thing about being single once again is you can rebuild your life bigger and better than it was before as we have learned so much from the prior relationship. Nobody needs to have another person in their life constantly and a break is good for us as we redefine our goals in life. For me, it has taken two years for me to accept that my husband is really gone and never coming back and I am totally on my own once again. Does it hurt? Hell ya it hurts but I have realized that no matter how our relationship ended, it ended because we had nothing to give each other any longer. I have always believed that people come and go from our lives because we learn from them and when they no longer have anything to teach us they depart. Some people need another person in their lives to validate them but I didn’t need anyone to validate as I have gone through the grieving process by myself.

I do not recommend jumping into another relationship for a minimum of year after your spouse is gone because the first year is the hardest on us emotionally but going it alone helps us see things we didn’t before. I’m glad I didn’t get involved with anyone for the first two years after Bob died because looking back I know I would have only been using that person and I do not like to use people knowingly. Sometimes, we do use others without realizing it but for me I was fortunate enough not to involve another in my grieving so know one got hurt. Generally the first person you get involved with and even the first couple relationships are not really relationships because you are still connected to your spouse and you are only using the other person to help you get by. Once you get past the first year you are on better footing but still grieving and you can start dating but I recommend taking it very slow because you can easily fall into something you do not want to be permanent and then the guilt starts. We feel guilty because we do realize that we are using that person and if we get to caught up in the relationship we feel an obligation. How would I know this if I haven’t been with anyone since my husband passed? I look back on other relationships and how I reacted or acted afterward.

I went through that stage of feeling like I needed someone, just had to have someone in my life at any cost but thank God I am past that and no longer chase after love. I will no longer fly to another destination to meet anyone only to be made a complete ass out of as I once was as I was stood up. I was so desperate for love that I literally spent my last dime chasing after it. I have finally reached a place in my life that I no longer chase after anyone and if someone wants to be with me then they have to come to me. I am changing my thinking and how I feel about myself and I started losing weight and have lost my first 5 lbs. which is a milestone for me. I will succeed in losing the weight I want to because I am no longer severely depressed and I have a better self image and I now know myself so much better than I did a year ago. I never thought I would make it this far but once I got through the darkest of hours I could finally see the light once again and I’m ok, doing quite fine actually. 

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