For The Best

I have lived with insults my entire life and my husband was no exception to putting me down and insulting me. I have worked damn hard to build myself back up over the past two years and I will not let anyone try destroy my personal growth. I have deleted and blocked those that have made me feel less than human and inferior.

I am sick and tired of the insults and barbs and I am sick of lashing out at those that do not deserve my time or presence. I am a damn good woman who deserves to be treated well and those that think putting me down is going to make them a bigger person are wrong. I do not need to fuck someone twenty years younger to feel desirable or to build me up and I know that I am a very desirable woman.

I am on the edge of deleting my blogs as well as there isn’t a single person that reads them that gives a shit about me or how I feel. I have made the mistake of basing my self worth on one person’s opinion of me and they have never met me so I have deleted them as well and want no communication with them any longer.

The best thing I can do is like myself and not care what anyone thinks so I have taken back my power and deleted them from my life. I used to want to be their friend because I felt for them and I know what it’s like to lose your spouse. I thought being a real friend to this individual would help both of us but have found that not to be true.

Living In Fantasy

There are people who build up such a fantasy in their minds about someone else and will not meet the person because there is a fear that their fantasy will be blown out of the water. Fantasy is safe and comfortable but the fantasy can make you do things that are unhealthy. When you experience a loss of a relationship there is a healing time required before we can move on but the fantasy is what helps us get through each day. We begin to date as a way to affirm that we are desirable but we do not want a relationship with that person that goes beyond superficial.

Men fail to realize that it isn’t sex that drives them as much as it is having a connection with someone else, men will go for sex for instant gratification and to reaffirm that they are still desirable. We need to forgive ourselves for the lost relationship, we need to forgive ourselves as well as the person that has hurt us. We need to be self-sufficient and make ourselves happy before we can build a relationship with someone else and as long as we push love out of our lives and we deny ourselves of intimacy.

Loss of a loved one isn’t just the end of your relationship with that person it’s a continuation of every feeling of abandonment you’ve ever suffered. It’s the loss of a system of approval you’d come to depend on. We fail to realize that the end of the relationship came for specific reasons of which one is you have outgrown each other and that in itself is painful to think that someone has outgrown you and the relationship. People have different needs at different times in their lives and getting these needs met are more important than sustaining a relationship that doesn’t fulfill us.

I have someone who follows me  but I already know it’s not ME he’s following because he doesn’t know me. He’s following the woman he projects onto my images. He’s maybe projecting another woman he wants and puts her spirit and personality into my images. He doesn’t want to meet me,  he wants to meet the woman he’s projecting onto my images. He may also have already met this woman but she was not attracted to him enough to stay in a relationship with him as he didn’t fit all of her needs, which is so normal in most relationships that end.

Now all of us have experienced loss and pain but as long as we stay in a holding pattern we will never move on from what has exited our lives and no, we will never get that person back again but think about it, really think do you really want that person back into your life? You have been hurt and betrayed in the rawest of forms and yes you have learned but not letting go is where we make our biggest mistakes because we do not allow ourselves to grow in a positive manner.

The New

I have finally met someone online that I really like talking with, he is intelligent and doesn’t talk shit like most that I have met. He is 44 and I am 53 which is a perfect age for me as I do not care for anyone younger as they have nothing to offer me intellectually. I am no brain but I do like mental stimulation and you cannot get that by seeing someone to much younger than yourself. I do not think like an old lady nor act like one and that makes me a fun person.

I am learning to value myself so much more than I  did and I will no longer tolerate anyone treating me poorly. It takes a hell of a lot to impress me and this guy impresses the hell out of me, lol which is so damn refreshing and exciting. We started chatting a few days ago and things have progressed nicely as he has made me laugh so much and I really enjoy that about him. We have a lot of the same  interests which is always nice and he isn’t pushy like others online.

I had one guy 31 or 32 get upset because I wouldn’t chat with him but hell, he’s a little boy and sorry my time is too valuable to waste on the young ones. He accused me of not talking to anyone online which is so wrong but hey I really do not care what he thinks. It seems the young ones like to play games and I am not a player but then again the older ones play as well, just a more sophisticated game. My new online friend is such a kool and funny sort that he has caught my interest and he is so damn interesting which is so rare.

It’s nice chatting with him because he takes the time to talk and tell me about himself, he isn’t a creeper that stalks me online but a real person that has gotten on skype with me and has proved to me he is a real person. I was interested in someone else but he likes a woman who will drop everything just to be with him and that isn’t me, he also likes the young women because they can be played so damn easy and that is how he builds himself up. Men are stupid when it comes to women because women will tell you one thing when they mean something totally opposite.

The Walk

I have finally reached a point in my life where walking away is easy and that is exactly what I am doing in a situation I have been involved in for years. He got divorced and is currently going through his mid life crisis as he is dating a much younger woman. When I met my husband he was going through the same thing and was involved with a much younger woman as well and when he met me we became friends and he ended up realizing that she was only good for sex as she didn’t “connect” with him.

She wanted to get married and  have kids but his kids were grown already and when we finally did have sex I got knocked up the first time and I was on the damn pill. I didn’t tell him he had to marry me and I made it clear I didn’t need him to support me or my unborn. I was 34 and had to think long and hard about having the baby and yes I did finally decide to become a mother but was totally prepared to be a single mother. We continued to date when I was pregnant and I thought he would make a good father so I married him.

He on the other hand married me because I had a home, cars, owned businesses ect. yes I was a good financial catch for a man and he took advantage of that. When I got pregnant with my son I worked a ton of overtime because he was on a salary. I worked right up until I went into labor at work and I had my son and was home two days later taking care of both of my kids. Kids can be so kool especially when they reach their teenage years because they grow and change so much and the biggest mistake a parent makes is wanting to keep their children small.

I relate great with kids because I treat them as young adults and encourage them to go for what they want out of life no matter what it is at that time. I do not want to be anyone’s mother but hanging with kids can be so much fun when they do not feel threatened. I think it’s hard for divorced kids and it’s actually good to introduce someone you are dating to your kids so they can get used to having another adult around even if she doesn’t become a permanent fixture in their lives.

I do not give anyone an ultimatum but I do let it be known where I stand and if you so choose to follow great and if not, well good luck is all I can say. I have to do what is in my best interest and what will make my life easier and less stressful and when someone doesn’t know what they are doing in their lives they surely cannot know where I really fit or if I fit at all. Men realize that the young girl doesnt satisfy their mental craving for maturity and that is when they realize that the sex is also just sex and not so satisfying any longer.