Vulnerability

It is so difficult to let ourselves be  vulnerable as showing that side of ourselves is exposing things that we do not normally let others see. When you open up, really open up you are vulnerable to rejection as most people do not want to see what lies behind the eyes. I have let myself be vulnerable and I have opened myself up to ridicule and rejection but I would rather be open and honest than to lie to myself and others. I know I have posted much about myself because I feel “safe” online as I will never meet anyone that has read my posts.

I allow myself to be vulnerable as a form of therapy, a way to release the memories that have held me prisoner and stifled my cries. I think the one emotion that can only work well with vulnerability is the power of love and we cannot let love in our lives unless we are vulnerable. Letting someone see the real you and share some of that pain is what loving someone is partly about as we accept them for the person they are and the experiences that have shaped them.

In my opinion people look for someone who they can be vulnerable with and accepted as such and we find ourselves attracted to someone who we can enjoy sexually as well as emotionally. I have been involved in relationships because I was sexually attracted to the person and yes they were fun but would I spend my life with them? No way because I feared being vulnerable with them as I didn’t feel they would accept me and without vulnerability in a relationship the relationship will not grow.

I know if I hadn’t gotten pregnant I would have never married and I married because I didn’t want my child to be raised in a broken home. I rarely let myself be vulnerable with my husband because he would use what I would tell him against me. He would throw things that were very hard for me to talk about in my face and put me down so that kept me at a distance because he built himself up by tearing me down. I do not like to say mean things to people because words do hurt but there are times I feel it’s the only way I can cover up my pain or protect myself.

Being vulnerable allows others to hurt you and that is a hard pill to swallow for me at least but I have learned that being vulnerable can bring its own rewards if it’s with the right person. We have to be so careful who we let in and who we let see the real us because we may not be the person they perceive us to be and we may end up being rejected. So many people think I am someone who I am not and if they knew that the real me is just a small child holding my knees to my chest in the corner then they wouldn’t like me anymore.

There is not a single person in my life that I can be vulnerable around and that makes life hard at times. My children see me as their rock, a strong independent woman who has all of the answers and can fix anything broken but the truth is I am not that person. To show my children anything different would leave them feeling abandoned and without structure so I put on my game face and do what I must to get through each and every day. I do not want to let anyone down by not being the person they think I am but the need to be vulnerable is so strong at this time.

If Only

If only one person could see inside me they would see sadness, pain, emptiness, loneliness, rejected and unworthy and yes this is how I really feel. I have never been good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, never enough it seems for anyone. I am not as strong as so many perceive me to be, I am not as confident as I portray to be. My exterior is nothing more than a thin veneer but strong enough to make others think I am untouchable, unloveable and uncaring at times.

I am the flower that cannot quench my thirst so I do not grow only grow stagnet as I watch the world around me flourish. Who am I ask myself, what is my purpose in life? Do I have a purpose or am I just taking up space? The frustration overcomes me and the tears cover my face and chest as I let go of the pain that has enveloped me for so very long. The truth is I feel like a loser, I feel unworthy and I feel as if I will never be loved for the person I am, not even my own mother loves me for me.

In my twenties I was very pretty, thin and innocent and then I went to work in the steel mill where I had to become a fierce and fighting woman, my innocence left at the gate I had to become the tiger that defended herself. I am who I am and cannot change that and what I need is just to have one person see beyond me and see that I have so much to give to the right person. I am not cold or heartless just a victim defending herself from the hurt that is around me.

They say be gentle be kind and when I have been is when I have been hurt the worse, giving too much because I was never given anything, loving too much because I was never loved. I have tried to let others see my soft side but find myself always having to defend myself and keep that soft side hidden, secure from those that want to harm me. Maybe one day, someone will look past that false confidence and not so strong veneer and they will find a delicate soul.

I wait for everyone and I wait for no one as life continues no matter how I feel or act, life moves on and if I do not move with it I will be left behind. Some people say that love is an unnecessary desire and I say love is a necessary requirement of life and yes I need love and have so much to give but putting my guard down is so scary as I fear that I shall be hurt beyond words. When we can admit our weaknesses to ourselves we are able to change those weaknesses into strengths over time but when is my time?

The Flicker

Once I was the flame

But no longer the same

I slowly got burned out

For that I have no doubt

I was the candle

That lit the path

But no longer am I the flame

The light is out

The darkness has come about

I attempt to feel my way

Seeking just a ray

But the darkness surrounds me

And this is where I can no longer stay