If only one person could see inside me they would see sadness, pain, emptiness, loneliness, rejected and unworthy and yes this is how I really feel. I have never been good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, thin enough, never enough it seems for anyone. I am not as strong as so many perceive me to be, I am not as confident as I portray to be. My exterior is nothing more than a thin veneer but strong enough to make others think I am untouchable, unloveable and uncaring at times.
I am the flower that cannot quench my thirst so I do not grow only grow stagnet as I watch the world around me flourish. Who am I ask myself, what is my purpose in life? Do I have a purpose or am I just taking up space? The frustration overcomes me and the tears cover my face and chest as I let go of the pain that has enveloped me for so very long. The truth is I feel like a loser, I feel unworthy and I feel as if I will never be loved for the person I am, not even my own mother loves me for me.
In my twenties I was very pretty, thin and innocent and then I went to work in the steel mill where I had to become a fierce and fighting woman, my innocence left at the gate I had to become the tiger that defended herself. I am who I am and cannot change that and what I need is just to have one person see beyond me and see that I have so much to give to the right person. I am not cold or heartless just a victim defending herself from the hurt that is around me.
They say be gentle be kind and when I have been is when I have been hurt the worse, giving too much because I was never given anything, loving too much because I was never loved. I have tried to let others see my soft side but find myself always having to defend myself and keep that soft side hidden, secure from those that want to harm me. Maybe one day, someone will look past that false confidence and not so strong veneer and they will find a delicate soul.
I wait for everyone and I wait for no one as life continues no matter how I feel or act, life moves on and if I do not move with it I will be left behind. Some people say that love is an unnecessary desire and I say love is a necessary requirement of life and yes I need love and have so much to give but putting my guard down is so scary as I fear that I shall be hurt beyond words. When we can admit our weaknesses to ourselves we are able to change those weaknesses into strengths over time but when is my time?