Two Yrs. And Counting

It’s been a little over two years since my husband died and what a two years it has been as I have been arrested and in jail three times, left with over a $40,000.00 debt to the IRS, getting my daughter through her last two years of high school and getting my son straightened around and then there is the mess of myself. All of my arrests have been dropped, I managed to get a loan against my home to pay off the IRS, have gotten Shelby through high school and registered for college and Ryan is doing so much better, thank you God and as for myself, well I’m a work in progress and coming along ok.

When you lose your spouse you lose your footing, question who you are and what is your value to the world, if you are attractive enough to catch someone’s attention, if you are desirable and you learn to slowly rebuild yourself day by day. It’s so hard when you are alone because that means for myself that I have been rejected regardless how he exited my life. People that have never lost their spouse have no clue how deep the cut goes and how much pain we feel.

I will always think about my husband as he was a very important part of my life but I cannot live in the past and continually berate myself for not being the perfect wife. I tried so hard to make him happy but I was never enough or so I felt. He showed me no affection, never hugged or kissed me, and our sex life was non existent pretty much after my son was born even though I tried everything to liven it up he just had no interest and that is why I am not attracted to older men I guess.

I enjoy sex and I think that makes up a huge part of a relationship, not just good sex but great sex is what I require because I am capable of making my sex life beyond exciting and fulfilling. Besides sex, there must be a closeness that you have with no other, a connection that is unspoken and you just know that person is supposed to be in your life. I could easily get involved with someone else but it wouldn’t be for the right reasons and I know it and I have had opportunities but just wasn’t interested.

When someone grabs my attention it is obvious I really like that person but I have yet to meet anyone that makes me tingle inside, makes me want to be with them and share myself with them. I have been sexually attracted to  several men but I just cannot have sex with someone because I find them sexually attractive because for me there must be something stronger, something deeper, something more desirable about that person. Men can easily jump into bed with a woman and have her around to keep them busy but I just cannot do that and so wish I could.

Walls

I think everyone builds walls, some taller than others as we use these walls as a form of protection from being hurt again. We begin to build our fortress when we are young and each time we are hurt we put another brick on our wall so no one can get in. The more hurt we experience the taller the wall we build and we eventually cut ourselves off from the very thing we want and need the most. I have built a pretty big wall myself as I have been hurt over and over and I fear being hurt again and run from anyone that I fear is someone who will hurt me again.

I have had these walls it seems like my entire life but since my husband died the walls have seemed to have reached the heavens. I am trying to open myself up to meet someone new but I will not lie the pain of the loss of my husband lingers like the stench of a trash dump. No matter how I try he seems to always stay in my mind and I imagine him criticizing me and putting me down like he used to but the truth is he gone and can no longer hurt me.When you lose someone you think back to the things they didn’t like about you and I for one have not liked myself for those same reasons.

I could easily start seeing someone but it would only be for sex and to fill the void in my life because I am attracted to so few men as the ones that hit on me are generally not attractive to me. Few men are sexy to me and I already know what I must do to be attractive to the type of men that attract me. I do not like men my age because they think to “old” and have no zing to their personalities and they do not physically attract me and yes I know I am no beauty but I’m working on that.

I so badly want to meet someone but I fear intimacy, I fear letting anyone close as I do not want to get hurt again, I do not want another “failure” in my life and yes I feel as my marriage was a failure because he left and it doesn’t matter that he had no control over how he departed, he still left me. I feel an unreasonable amount of rejection because I once did believe in happily ever after and death didn’t fit into my pretty picture and when the darkness came a part of me was swallowed by it.

It’s always so nice to be attracted to someone and they are attracted to you but the fun wears off after a period of time and we either want “more” from a relationship or we walk away from the one we are in. In a perfect world I would meet the man I am to spend the rest of my life with, without having to date a handful of men to find that person. This is not a perfect world and there are no perfect people but I do know there is one perfect man out there for me.