Two Yrs. And Counting

It’s been a little over two years since my husband died and what a two years it has been as I have been arrested and in jail three times, left with over a $40,000.00 debt to the IRS, getting my daughter through her last two years of high school and getting my son straightened around and then there is the mess of myself. All of my arrests have been dropped, I managed to get a loan against my home to pay off the IRS, have gotten Shelby through high school and registered for college and Ryan is doing so much better, thank you God and as for myself, well I’m a work in progress and coming along ok.

When you lose your spouse you lose your footing, question who you are and what is your value to the world, if you are attractive enough to catch someone’s attention, if you are desirable and you learn to slowly rebuild yourself day by day. It’s so hard when you are alone because that means for myself that I have been rejected regardless how he exited my life. People that have never lost their spouse have no clue how deep the cut goes and how much pain we feel.

I will always think about my husband as he was a very important part of my life but I cannot live in the past and continually berate myself for not being the perfect wife. I tried so hard to make him happy but I was never enough or so I felt. He showed me no affection, never hugged or kissed me, and our sex life was non existent pretty much after my son was born even though I tried everything to liven it up he just had no interest and that is why I am not attracted to older men I guess.

I enjoy sex and I think that makes up a huge part of a relationship, not just good sex but great sex is what I require because I am capable of making my sex life beyond exciting and fulfilling. Besides sex, there must be a closeness that you have with no other, a connection that is unspoken and you just know that person is supposed to be in your life. I could easily get involved with someone else but it wouldn’t be for the right reasons and I know it and I have had opportunities but just wasn’t interested.

When someone grabs my attention it is obvious I really like that person but I have yet to meet anyone that makes me tingle inside, makes me want to be with them and share myself with them. I have been sexually attracted to  several men but I just cannot have sex with someone because I find them sexually attractive because for me there must be something stronger, something deeper, something more desirable about that person. Men can easily jump into bed with a woman and have her around to keep them busy but I just cannot do that and so wish I could.

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