Walls

I think everyone builds walls, some taller than others as we use these walls as a form of protection from being hurt again. We begin to build our fortress when we are young and each time we are hurt we put another brick on our wall so no one can get in. The more hurt we experience the taller the wall we build and we eventually cut ourselves off from the very thing we want and need the most. I have built a pretty big wall myself as I have been hurt over and over and I fear being hurt again and run from anyone that I fear is someone who will hurt me again.

I have had these walls it seems like my entire life but since my husband died the walls have seemed to have reached the heavens. I am trying to open myself up to meet someone new but I will not lie the pain of the loss of my husband lingers like the stench of a trash dump. No matter how I try he seems to always stay in my mind and I imagine him criticizing me and putting me down like he used to but the truth is he gone and can no longer hurt me.When you lose someone you think back to the things they didn’t like about you and I for one have not liked myself for those same reasons.

I could easily start seeing someone but it would only be for sex and to fill the void in my life because I am attracted to so few men as the ones that hit on me are generally not attractive to me. Few men are sexy to me and I already know what I must do to be attractive to the type of men that attract me. I do not like men my age because they think to “old” and have no zing to their personalities and they do not physically attract me and yes I know I am no beauty but I’m working on that.

I so badly want to meet someone but I fear intimacy, I fear letting anyone close as I do not want to get hurt again, I do not want another “failure” in my life and yes I feel as my marriage was a failure because he left and it doesn’t matter that he had no control over how he departed, he still left me. I feel an unreasonable amount of rejection because I once did believe in happily ever after and death didn’t fit into my pretty picture and when the darkness came a part of me was swallowed by it.

It’s always so nice to be attracted to someone and they are attracted to you but the fun wears off after a period of time and we either want “more” from a relationship or we walk away from the one we are in. In a perfect world I would meet the man I am to spend the rest of my life with, without having to date a handful of men to find that person. This is not a perfect world and there are no perfect people but I do know there is one perfect man out there for me.

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