I

Ok you know I want to meet you, you know I know you have a younger girlfriend, you know you read everything I write and look at my pictures so tell me why will you not meet me? Am I not pretty enough? To fat? To dumb? To damaged? just tell me because this is literally hurting me because I am attracted to you but just like you I fear being rejected and hurt. Please just tell me if you ever plan on meeting me or not, please answer that one question as we both know you are not happy with your current relationship as it doesn’t feed you mentally only physically or am I wrong and you plan on marrying this person? Please answer me

Do you know what it feels like to be attracted to someone but they refuse to meet you? Yes you are involved and I understand that but are you truly committed or just trying to move on from Irina? I have no doubt this girl is just that a girl, pretty, thin and she makes you feel like a man again but does she excite you mentally? I doubt that and I doubt you will be marrying her but stranger things have happened. I understand loss and pain just as you do but do you realize you are hurting me? Causing me pain? I need to know so I can move on so please tell me so I can continue to grow, please please please tell me because you are giving me mixed signals.

Can You Bare It?

Have you ever  bared your soul to someone? Let them inside to touch you? Open up enough to let them help heal you? It’s easy to drop your clothes and have sex with a person but to let them inside the darkest corner of your life is what loving someone is about and trusting them enough to let them see the ugly and know they will love you in spite of it? I have yet to meet that person in my adult life and I have finally excepted the things about myself that I didn’t want others to see and yes I have finally reached the point that I am willing to allow that special person to touch my inner being.

Of course I want the laughter, romance, fun times but I want something deeper, the very thing that requires vulnerability and the willingness on my part to open up hoping that, that wound will not be opened up again and leave another gaping hole in my heart. It is such a scary thing to let someone in after you have been hurt deeply but it is true to love is better than to lost and never loved but when one is hurt, rather shattered emotionally picking up those pieces isn’t so easy to do.

I recently met someone online that thinks I’m better than sliced white bread and he’s willing to fly across country to see me but I am so fearful that I am in a holding pattern as to where to go with this. I cannot believe someone would be so interested in me to fly from another state to see  me but then again I cannot see what they see. When someone is willing to travel a distance to see you there is obviously enough of an attraction there to at least meet that person.

I wish I could see what he sees in me but I do not and cannot and I think he is moving to fast for me as I do not feel the desire to meet him as of yet. I jumped to quickly once before because I got confused so I am taking it slow and see how this progresses, if it does progress or should I say if I let it progress. The thing is he lives so far away that I cannot afford to fly back and forth and neither can he and if something does develop I would end up being frustrated and get angry and I do not want to feel that.

What I need is someone who is available that I can spend time with and grow with and it’s hard to do that in a long distant relationship. I do not want the May to December type of romance because I have too much to give on a regular basis and the funny thing is, when we have a connection that is instant and I am not speaking about sexually well then that is when things will move rather quickly for both people. I need to be able to pamper the man in my life, cook for him, make him laugh and smile and yes there is skype and yahoo but you can only build a relationship so far online.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, really not feeling to good about myself and that is holding back from going forward with this person. He could be the “one” I have been looking forward to meeting but then again he may not and that is why I am hesitant, I am afraid to get hurt and do not want to hurt him. I do not want to hurt anyone and that is why I end up getting hurt one way or another but what can I do? Just take it a day at a time, a step at a time and hope for the best.

Defense

Some people want the world to see their beauty while others hide their beauty and want to the world to see someone different. We hide ourselves as a defense mechanism that we think protects us but the truth is we are hurting ourselves by “hiding”. When someone puts me down or insults me I  instantly become defensive because there is a certain amount of insecurity within me as with everybody. Some people think I am to defensive when the truth is I am not defensive as much as I am insecure with myself.

I deal with pain in several different ways, I lash out and then retreat better known as the “fight or flight” syndrome. When I have lashed out enough or so I think is enough I retreat into myself and begin to pick apart my reactions towards others and I become my own psychiatrist as I question my actions and motives. I cannot make anyone do anything they chose not to do and I cannot make anyone think anything they do not choose to as well and maybe this is why I been living on an “island” by myself for so long.

No man is an island is the truth but sometimes being by ourselves is the best thing for us as we learn to fight our battles differently and we learn to edit out the things and people that do not serve us well. When we meet someone who serves a need in us we keep that person in our lives but when they no longer serve us or hurt us we edit them out of our lives. We only let people stay with us until we are “done” with them and that is my biggest fear of getting involved with another, they will edit me out of their life and not care about my feelings, it’s called rejection and yes I fear rejection like everyone else.

The Security Blanket

I think everyone has insecurities and they start at a young age when we carry out dolls around, teddy bears and security blankets. In my case, my insecurities started when I was 3 and my mother dumped me on my grandparents. I no doubt felt rejection for the first time if not sooner and then when my uncle molested me from 3-5 and my mother wasn’t there for me I kept it to myself because my grandmother was very strict and quite the disciplinarian and of course it was my fault he did what he did to me.

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During this time is when I had my “gutty” as I called my security blanket and I have no idea where in the world that name came from but as children we invent names and say the darndest of things now don’t we? I went nowhere without my security blanket and I had a fit when it got beyond filthy and my grandmother would wash and dry it. I would literally sit in front of the washer so I could see her take it out and put it in the dryer, I guess I was afraid it would leave me, somehow disappear from the washing machine.

I try to appear so secure but the truth is I am not secure within myself as I should be and yes people can so easily make me feel inferior because I let them. I know I am good person, a person with integrity, caring and warmth but it’s so hard to let my guard down so others can see the real me. Sometimes, I appear to think I am better and smarter than others but the truth is I am not and I know that but to let others see the real me is to open myself up to more hurt and rejection.

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I want so badly to meet someone who totally “gets” me, can understand my fears and insecurities but still loves me for the person I am. People seem to want to control and change others into what they want but the truth is we cannot control only manipulate and we cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. We can fill our lives with another but that only lasts for so long and we want more than a “filler” we want the entire forest and we want to connect with another in a way that is only special for us.

I recently have accepted that I am to direct and confrontational, I am to direct and callous and I do this as a way to protect myself from harm. I am learning to let the real me come out of my shell and using other protective measures that do not hurt anyone. I hate myself when I hurt others and I cannot sleep for days when I know I have deliberately pushed someone away but the truth is when someone says they want to be my friend I feel it’s only because I have something they really want, which doesn’t include the real me.

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People have asked me why I always talk about sex and the truth is it has come about because I was molested and that is how I got the attention I needed as a child and it has led into my adult life. I didn’t want the sexual attention at 3 but got it anyway and that is where I learned that my sexuality brought about attention. I believe I post my pictures as a way to get attention because my only value in my eyes is my sexual appeal to a man and I need the attention like everyone else but I am drawing it to myself in a negative way.

My personal revelations about myself have come from being alone and really re-examining my behaviors and if I were involved with someone I wouldn’t take the time to look at myself and correct what I do not like and change what needs to be changed. I am changing my thinking and the way I feel about myself as I have lost 8 lbs. which is a great accomplishment and I will continue to see the lbs. drop off me as I build up my self confidence and self worth.

I have also realized why I swear so much, it’s a way to release the anger and swearing is the only way I know how to release what hurts me so and has angered me over the years. I have noticed the more anger I have the more I swear and I see it in my writings and no I do not like it one bit. What you do not like about yourself can either be accepted and changed or hung onto like a life preserver and I prefer to change.

I want to be the best I can be physically as well as mentally and my therapist has noted that I am not as angry as I once was but there is still much work to do and I know that. I do not want to get involved with someone and have a closet full of baggage to deal with because I want a fresh start uncolored by my past. I realize I will always carry a certain amount of baggage but it will not be nearly as much as it once was, hence a very healthy and lasting relationship one day.

Is It Love?

How do you know when you are in love with someone?

1. You don’t think about your x 

2. You want to spend time with the person

3. Other things take the back seat

4. You wonder what that person is doing

5. You don’t think of other women as much

6. You do not flirt

7. You are willing to compromise

8. You think about your future together

9. You care about her

10. Her quirkiness is attractive to you

If you meet this criteria then you are in love and it’s time to focus on the two of you but if you continue to look for other women and have that one woman you just cannot get out of your mind then you are not in love, just in like and you are going nowhere in the relationship. Yes, the sex is available and she is ALWAYS available for your beck and call then you have someone in your life that WANTS you more than you want them and yes someone is going to get hurt.

If you have a plan b set up then you  are definitely NOT in love with that person but the problem with having a plan b is the person that is in your plan may not want to be part of your setup and can see that they are nothing but a back up plan. When a woman knows she’s a safety net for a man to fall back on when the current relationship ends, well she will not let the man use her in that way and she moves on. If you are the type of man who has a backup plan be prepared to be blown out of the water and for your plan to turn her back on you.

To Hurt

When you are attracted to someone and they will not meet you but creep on you it’s the same as peeing into the wind and expecting to get clean. Maybe I gave the attention he needed, maybe he has felt what I have felt in the past, maybe he has learned something from me or maybe he just likes the way I write but I no longer will sit and wait like a dog, no longer will I communicate with this person and I will not wait until he gets enough courage to meet me. He spends his time with someone else which is obviously good for him and makes him somewhat happy.

What he doesn’t realize is I have been there and am no longer there as I have had to move on for my own self esteem to grow and for me to value myself once again. I write to relieve my troubles, worries, concerns ect about my life and he has given me nothing so I have called it quits as I refuse to play the game. Friday will be here every week so he can pick up his girlfriend and fill his weekend with sex and fun and I continue to move forward alone as I heal my wounds and become happier with myself.

I know longer think about what might have been, what could have been and the possibilities that no longer exist for me. I said good bye last week and I meant it because to wait for someone who I will never meet has kept me from meeting others that could give me what I need. I wish him well and hope one day he can feel good about himself without the young girl and he can go for a real woman instead of playing house as he really has no idea where he is headed with this one.

I have no idea what he wants from me but he refuses to meet me which makes me think that I am not good enough for him and this hurts me. I’ve come a long way in my life and he makes me feel poorly about myself and I think he does it on purpose. I doubt he will ever meet me and in fact do not believe he ever will so I wish he would tell me what he gets from me and if I had that answer I would be doing so much better. That’s all I want to know and if he cared one bit about me he would let me know instead of making me feel like crap.

Sending mixed singles is very confusing and for me it hurts because there is an attraction but if it is never going to go anywhere I just want to let it go. This isn’t healthy for either of us and for me it has made my life so much harder as I try to move on. He makes me feel rejected just like my husband did and this is painful and unwarranted, all I ask is for an answer what he really gets from me and if it’s just to jackoff then fine I can move on but I really need to know and if he cared one bit about me he would let me know what he gets out of following me ect.