I think everyone has insecurities and they start at a young age when we carry out dolls around, teddy bears and security blankets. In my case, my insecurities started when I was 3 and my mother dumped me on my grandparents. I no doubt felt rejection for the first time if not sooner and then when my uncle molested me from 3-5 and my mother wasn’t there for me I kept it to myself because my grandmother was very strict and quite the disciplinarian and of course it was my fault he did what he did to me.
During this time is when I had my “gutty” as I called my security blanket and I have no idea where in the world that name came from but as children we invent names and say the darndest of things now don’t we? I went nowhere without my security blanket and I had a fit when it got beyond filthy and my grandmother would wash and dry it. I would literally sit in front of the washer so I could see her take it out and put it in the dryer, I guess I was afraid it would leave me, somehow disappear from the washing machine.
I try to appear so secure but the truth is I am not secure within myself as I should be and yes people can so easily make me feel inferior because I let them. I know I am good person, a person with integrity, caring and warmth but it’s so hard to let my guard down so others can see the real me. Sometimes, I appear to think I am better and smarter than others but the truth is I am not and I know that but to let others see the real me is to open myself up to more hurt and rejection.
I want so badly to meet someone who totally “gets” me, can understand my fears and insecurities but still loves me for the person I am. People seem to want to control and change others into what they want but the truth is we cannot control only manipulate and we cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. We can fill our lives with another but that only lasts for so long and we want more than a “filler” we want the entire forest and we want to connect with another in a way that is only special for us.
I recently have accepted that I am to direct and confrontational, I am to direct and callous and I do this as a way to protect myself from harm. I am learning to let the real me come out of my shell and using other protective measures that do not hurt anyone. I hate myself when I hurt others and I cannot sleep for days when I know I have deliberately pushed someone away but the truth is when someone says they want to be my friend I feel it’s only because I have something they really want, which doesn’t include the real me.
People have asked me why I always talk about sex and the truth is it has come about because I was molested and that is how I got the attention I needed as a child and it has led into my adult life. I didn’t want the sexual attention at 3 but got it anyway and that is where I learned that my sexuality brought about attention. I believe I post my pictures as a way to get attention because my only value in my eyes is my sexual appeal to a man and I need the attention like everyone else but I am drawing it to myself in a negative way.
My personal revelations about myself have come from being alone and really re-examining my behaviors and if I were involved with someone I wouldn’t take the time to look at myself and correct what I do not like and change what needs to be changed. I am changing my thinking and the way I feel about myself as I have lost 8 lbs. which is a great accomplishment and I will continue to see the lbs. drop off me as I build up my self confidence and self worth.
I have also realized why I swear so much, it’s a way to release the anger and swearing is the only way I know how to release what hurts me so and has angered me over the years. I have noticed the more anger I have the more I swear and I see it in my writings and no I do not like it one bit. What you do not like about yourself can either be accepted and changed or hung onto like a life preserver and I prefer to change.
I want to be the best I can be physically as well as mentally and my therapist has noted that I am not as angry as I once was but there is still much work to do and I know that. I do not want to get involved with someone and have a closet full of baggage to deal with because I want a fresh start uncolored by my past. I realize I will always carry a certain amount of baggage but it will not be nearly as much as it once was, hence a very healthy and lasting relationship one day.