One of the biggest mistakes we make when we lose our spouse is trying to numb our feelings by living in denial and running into the arms of another person for more than comfort. Some of us need to feel needed so bad we jump into a relationship without giving ourselves time to heal, to examine ourselves and where we really want our lives to go. We try to kill the pain by staying occupied with someone else and we do not deal with the hurt we carry so deeply.
There are several things wrong with jumping into a relationship so quickly, we do not learn to accept the pain and loss, we do not take the time to “find” ourselves and we do not deal with what hurts us the most. We also are being quite selfish as we want the new person in our lives to be the one that fixes us when we need to fix ourselves first. We know deep down that the relationship isn’t going to last and the person is just a good time which makes us forget our pain.
We end up getting ourselves so caught up in the relationship that we do not know how to get ourselves uncaught from it. The first relationship we have after losing our spouse never lasts because the person is just a “filler” in our life and yes their presence helps us heal a bit but not enough to want to spend the rest of our lives with that person. We essentially are using them and they may fall in love with us but we are not capable of loving them back because we haven’t gotten that far mentally.
The one we are dating is being cheated and we know it and we feel guilty about that at a certain point but we continue to see them because we do not know how to extract ourselves without hurting that person. Someone is always going to get hurt but it won’t be us because we haven’t invested our hearts. We do have feelings for the person but not enough to want to make them a larger part of our life and we reach a point we want more and they cannot provide it.
They begin to build castles in the sky of a life with us, they make plans in their head and they begin to build a non existent future with us and we know it will never happen but they do not. As a woman, I know that when I was younger I thought about marriage and marrying the guy I was seeing, I thought about having children and a family and the white picket fence, it’s normal for a young woman to think that way and almost all women will lie and say they dont want to get married when they secretly do.
I have found the best thing I have done is not gotten into a long term relationship with anyone since my husband died because I have learned so much about life and myself and yes it’s been hard for me, damn hard but it’s been for the best and I haven’t hurt anyone in the process of recovery. Men tend to jump into a relationship with a much younger woman because she makes him feel desirable once again and he thinks he is regaining a certain amount of his lost youth but the truth is she makes him feel good for only so long and he tires of her.
Men and women who have sustained a loss of a mate need time to heal and to find themselves again because life changes drastically after our mate is gone. We must learn how to balance our lives again and if we have children we must learn how to be a single parent. Going it alone isn’t easy but it is actually for our best but then again a superficial relationship isn’t bad either as long as both know where they stand and keep it that way but that generally doesnt happen because there are expectations around the six month mark.
Around six months is when people start talking about moving in together to take their relationship to the next level and for a woman, well she wants more of a committment from her man, she needs to know that there is marriage on the horizon and kids in the background. Men on the other hand tend to not be in such a rush to move his love in because most men are not that quick to want to remarry until closer to end of the second year of being without their mate.
For me well I am the type of woman who does better in a committed relationship and marriage scares me so much but if it were the right person at the right time I think I would marry again. The longer I am alone the more comfortable I get with myself and I have more inner peace which is what I need to grow. I have been in counseling for two years and it has helped me tremendously to find myself and to be comfortable in my own skin which I wasn’t for the longest of time.
I have finally reached the point that I rarely cry and the anger is almost gone, not completely but almost and that is good for me as I was so angry for so very long. As my life gets better and I am able to get past the hurdles left for me by my husband, life is getting better. I still am vulnerable and fear rejection but I’m getting better at accepting things that I refused to except before. I have looked in the mirror and really taken a good look and no I didn’t like what I saw so I’m changing it.
I have lost my first 10 lbs. and no one else can tell but I can when I put on panties and they are barely staying on, I can see the change in my body even though others cannot and I can feel the difference when I touch my body. I am feeling better about myself and my self esteem has finally taken a leap into the positive direction and I didn’t think I would ever feel self confident again but I am slowly. I have joined a site and the compliments I get are quite staggering and the men that want to meet me is really quite shocking to me as they tell me how pretty they think I am, so yes life is getting better and more secure finally.