I Guess

The only way to get a man’s attention is to be half his age, be a barmaid or waitress, want kids, want his money and to tag along on the ride of fame, cheat on him when he isn’t around and play him for the middle aged fool that he is, lie to him, fuck and suck off other guys looking for a husband, come every time he calls, fuck him when she doesn’t want to, be his personal pet, kiss his ass, suck up to his kids, be used to make the x wife jealous, be arm candy, be whatever he wants her to be and forget being herself.

Yes, this is what some men want and realize when it’s to late the woman who would fulfill them isn’t there any longer for them and when they tire of pushing the stroller they find themselves all alone, yes this is what some men obviously do not realize that they are headed for, o well not  my loss, I may be damaged but I have overcome so many trials and tribulations that the baby girl has never experienced because she hasn’t lived, she prefers to prostitute herself in exchange for material shit and the luxury’s of life.

This young one wants marriage,kids and to suck off the wealth and fame, she is playing the marriage game and waiting for the ring and wedding, she sucks up to the kids and plays them for all they are worth just to get on his good side, she is a fake, a phony, a liar and a cheat. What does this woman do for men? They make the x wife hate the x even more because he is acting like a child himself and no the x doesn’t want him back but she doesn’t want her kids exposed to the May/December relationship because she knows the little girl is used for jealousy and sex.

Then there is a real woman somewhere that cares for the man not the legend but she isn’t good enough for him and she sits back and laughs at his behavior because she has experienced this before and knows the game only to well. He thinks his little girl is faithful but she isn’t by a long shot and she is sucking another’s cock when her meal ticket isn’t around, does he care? Of course he does so he begins to show her more attention but not enough, she wants to live with him and she can see the relationship is shallow but materially interesting at best. While he is flying around the world she is fucking another and fools himself into thinking she is faithful to him and him alone, how sad but true.

He talks to her on yahoo or skype under a fake name and he gives her a phone number of a phone he seldom uses because when he cuts her out of his life it will be an easy transition, no drama and she cannot contact him and cry and beg and play the pity card. He is never totally honest with her as he looks at other women and fantasizing about them, he wants to play the game but he wants to keep a mature woman on the back burner which doesn’t last long because the mature woman moves on and leaves him to lick his wounds.

They cannot relate to each other because of the age and inexperience but it’s fun and makes them feel good and then the bubble bursts, someone gets sick of playing the game and gets tired of the lack of mental stimulation, the sex gets boring because she lacks experience in anything other than spreading her legs or opening her mouth. She lies in bed weighing the pros and cons of the other guy she is sucking off and she begins to wonder if it is worth it. He begins to tire of the routine sex and the bullshit conversation that becomes empty and boring and this is how it goes…….

To Avoid

One of the biggest mistakes we make when we lose our spouse is trying to numb our feelings by living in denial and running into the arms of another person for more than comfort. Some of us need to feel needed so bad we jump into a relationship without giving ourselves time to heal, to examine ourselves and where we really want our lives to go. We try to kill the pain by staying occupied with someone else and we do not deal with the hurt we carry so deeply.

There are several things wrong with jumping into a relationship so quickly, we do not learn to accept the pain and loss, we do not take the time to “find” ourselves and we do not deal with what hurts us the most. We also are being quite selfish as we want the new person in our lives to be the one that fixes us when we need to fix ourselves first. We know deep down that the relationship isn’t going to last and the person is just a good time which makes us forget our pain.

We end up getting ourselves so caught up in the relationship that we do not know how to get ourselves uncaught from it. The first relationship we have after losing our spouse never lasts because the person is just a “filler” in our life and yes their presence helps us heal a bit but not enough to want to spend the rest of our lives with that person. We essentially are using them and they may fall in love with us but we are not capable of loving them back because we haven’t gotten that far mentally.

The one we are dating is being cheated and we know it and we feel guilty about that at a certain point but we continue to see them because we do not know how to extract ourselves without hurting that person. Someone is always going to get hurt but it won’t be us because we haven’t invested our hearts. We do have feelings for the person but not enough to want to make them a larger part of our life and we reach a point we want more and they cannot provide it.

They begin to build castles in the sky of a life with us, they make plans in their head and they begin to build a non existent future with us and we know it will never happen but they do not. As a woman, I know that when I was younger I thought about marriage and marrying the guy I was seeing, I thought about having children and a family and the white picket fence, it’s normal for a young woman to think that way and almost all women will lie and say they dont want to get married when they secretly do.

I have found the best thing I have done is not gotten into a long term relationship with anyone since my husband died because I have learned so much about life and myself and yes it’s been hard for me, damn hard but it’s been for the best and I haven’t hurt anyone in the process of recovery. Men tend to jump into a relationship with a much younger woman because she makes him feel desirable once again and he thinks he is regaining a certain amount of his lost youth but the truth is she makes him feel good for only so long and he tires of her.

Men and women who have sustained a loss of a mate need time to heal and to find themselves again because life changes drastically after our mate is gone. We must learn how to balance our lives again and if we have children we must learn how to be a single parent. Going it alone isn’t easy but it is actually for our best but then again a superficial relationship isn’t bad either as long as both know where they stand and keep it that way but that generally doesnt happen because there are expectations around the six month mark.

Around six months is when people start talking about moving in together to take their relationship to the next level and for a woman, well she wants more of a committment from her man, she needs to know that there is marriage on the horizon and kids in the background. Men on the other hand tend to not be in such a rush to move his love in because most men are not that quick to want to remarry until closer to end of the second year of being without their mate.

For me well I am the type of woman who does better in a committed relationship and marriage scares me so much but if it were the right person at the right time I think I would marry again. The longer I am alone the more comfortable I get with myself and I have more inner peace which is what I need to grow. I have been in counseling for two years and it has helped me tremendously to find myself and to be comfortable in my own skin which I wasn’t for the longest of time.

I have finally reached the point that I rarely cry and the anger is almost gone, not completely but almost and that is good for me as I was so angry for so very long. As my life gets better and I am able to get past the hurdles left for me by my husband, life is getting better. I still am vulnerable and fear rejection but I’m getting better at accepting things that I refused to except before. I have looked in the mirror and really taken a good look and no I didn’t like what I saw so I’m changing it.

I have lost my first 10 lbs. and no one else can tell but I can when I put on panties and they are barely staying on, I can see the change in my body even though others cannot and I can feel the difference when I touch my body. I am feeling better about myself and my self esteem has finally taken a leap into the positive direction and I didn’t think I would ever feel self confident again but I am slowly. I have joined a site and the compliments I get are quite staggering and the men that want to meet me is really quite shocking to me as they tell me how pretty they think I am, so yes life is getting better and more secure finally.

What If

What if I met you and there wasn’t an attraction? What if I felt nothing? What if you totally turned me off? What would happen if my fantasy disappeared into air? What if you didn’t like me? What if you didn’t feel an attraction to me? What would happen if all this were to be true? I have these fears, yes they are frightening and scary but not knowing is scarier and more painful than the feeling of your rejection.

What if I met you and felt that pull you rarely feel with another? What would happen if I were to fall into your eyes and into your soul? What would happen if your touch was electric? What would happen if we talked and talked and never wanted to shut up? What if we never wanted to part? What would happen if these feelings happened between us? What is the absolute worse thing that could happen? The worse thing that could happen is I would be happy, you would be happy finally and we can finally see the beauty in the meadow before us.

What is the thing you are most afraid of? Being happy or being let down again?  If you never take a chance then you will never know and neither will I so take a chance and I bet you will be glad you did.

I

Ok you know I want to meet you, you know I know you have a younger girlfriend, you know you read everything I write and look at my pictures so tell me why will you not meet me? Am I not pretty enough? To fat? To dumb? To damaged? just tell me because this is literally hurting me because I am attracted to you but just like you I fear being rejected and hurt. Please just tell me if you ever plan on meeting me or not, please answer that one question as we both know you are not happy with your current relationship as it doesn’t feed you mentally only physically or am I wrong and you plan on marrying this person? Please answer me

Do you know what it feels like to be attracted to someone but they refuse to meet you? Yes you are involved and I understand that but are you truly committed or just trying to move on from Irina? I have no doubt this girl is just that a girl, pretty, thin and she makes you feel like a man again but does she excite you mentally? I doubt that and I doubt you will be marrying her but stranger things have happened. I understand loss and pain just as you do but do you realize you are hurting me? Causing me pain? I need to know so I can move on so please tell me so I can continue to grow, please please please tell me because you are giving me mixed signals.

Can You Bare It?

Have you ever  bared your soul to someone? Let them inside to touch you? Open up enough to let them help heal you? It’s easy to drop your clothes and have sex with a person but to let them inside the darkest corner of your life is what loving someone is about and trusting them enough to let them see the ugly and know they will love you in spite of it? I have yet to meet that person in my adult life and I have finally excepted the things about myself that I didn’t want others to see and yes I have finally reached the point that I am willing to allow that special person to touch my inner being.

Of course I want the laughter, romance, fun times but I want something deeper, the very thing that requires vulnerability and the willingness on my part to open up hoping that, that wound will not be opened up again and leave another gaping hole in my heart. It is such a scary thing to let someone in after you have been hurt deeply but it is true to love is better than to lost and never loved but when one is hurt, rather shattered emotionally picking up those pieces isn’t so easy to do.

I recently met someone online that thinks I’m better than sliced white bread and he’s willing to fly across country to see me but I am so fearful that I am in a holding pattern as to where to go with this. I cannot believe someone would be so interested in me to fly from another state to see  me but then again I cannot see what they see. When someone is willing to travel a distance to see you there is obviously enough of an attraction there to at least meet that person.

I wish I could see what he sees in me but I do not and cannot and I think he is moving to fast for me as I do not feel the desire to meet him as of yet. I jumped to quickly once before because I got confused so I am taking it slow and see how this progresses, if it does progress or should I say if I let it progress. The thing is he lives so far away that I cannot afford to fly back and forth and neither can he and if something does develop I would end up being frustrated and get angry and I do not want to feel that.

What I need is someone who is available that I can spend time with and grow with and it’s hard to do that in a long distant relationship. I do not want the May to December type of romance because I have too much to give on a regular basis and the funny thing is, when we have a connection that is instant and I am not speaking about sexually well then that is when things will move rather quickly for both people. I need to be able to pamper the man in my life, cook for him, make him laugh and smile and yes there is skype and yahoo but you can only build a relationship so far online.

I have been feeling pretty low lately, really not feeling to good about myself and that is holding back from going forward with this person. He could be the “one” I have been looking forward to meeting but then again he may not and that is why I am hesitant, I am afraid to get hurt and do not want to hurt him. I do not want to hurt anyone and that is why I end up getting hurt one way or another but what can I do? Just take it a day at a time, a step at a time and hope for the best.

Defense

Some people want the world to see their beauty while others hide their beauty and want to the world to see someone different. We hide ourselves as a defense mechanism that we think protects us but the truth is we are hurting ourselves by “hiding”. When someone puts me down or insults me I  instantly become defensive because there is a certain amount of insecurity within me as with everybody. Some people think I am to defensive when the truth is I am not defensive as much as I am insecure with myself.

I deal with pain in several different ways, I lash out and then retreat better known as the “fight or flight” syndrome. When I have lashed out enough or so I think is enough I retreat into myself and begin to pick apart my reactions towards others and I become my own psychiatrist as I question my actions and motives. I cannot make anyone do anything they chose not to do and I cannot make anyone think anything they do not choose to as well and maybe this is why I been living on an “island” by myself for so long.

No man is an island is the truth but sometimes being by ourselves is the best thing for us as we learn to fight our battles differently and we learn to edit out the things and people that do not serve us well. When we meet someone who serves a need in us we keep that person in our lives but when they no longer serve us or hurt us we edit them out of our lives. We only let people stay with us until we are “done” with them and that is my biggest fear of getting involved with another, they will edit me out of their life and not care about my feelings, it’s called rejection and yes I fear rejection like everyone else.

The Security Blanket

I think everyone has insecurities and they start at a young age when we carry out dolls around, teddy bears and security blankets. In my case, my insecurities started when I was 3 and my mother dumped me on my grandparents. I no doubt felt rejection for the first time if not sooner and then when my uncle molested me from 3-5 and my mother wasn’t there for me I kept it to myself because my grandmother was very strict and quite the disciplinarian and of course it was my fault he did what he did to me.

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During this time is when I had my “gutty” as I called my security blanket and I have no idea where in the world that name came from but as children we invent names and say the darndest of things now don’t we? I went nowhere without my security blanket and I had a fit when it got beyond filthy and my grandmother would wash and dry it. I would literally sit in front of the washer so I could see her take it out and put it in the dryer, I guess I was afraid it would leave me, somehow disappear from the washing machine.

I try to appear so secure but the truth is I am not secure within myself as I should be and yes people can so easily make me feel inferior because I let them. I know I am good person, a person with integrity, caring and warmth but it’s so hard to let my guard down so others can see the real me. Sometimes, I appear to think I am better and smarter than others but the truth is I am not and I know that but to let others see the real me is to open myself up to more hurt and rejection.

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I want so badly to meet someone who totally “gets” me, can understand my fears and insecurities but still loves me for the person I am. People seem to want to control and change others into what they want but the truth is we cannot control only manipulate and we cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. We can fill our lives with another but that only lasts for so long and we want more than a “filler” we want the entire forest and we want to connect with another in a way that is only special for us.

I recently have accepted that I am to direct and confrontational, I am to direct and callous and I do this as a way to protect myself from harm. I am learning to let the real me come out of my shell and using other protective measures that do not hurt anyone. I hate myself when I hurt others and I cannot sleep for days when I know I have deliberately pushed someone away but the truth is when someone says they want to be my friend I feel it’s only because I have something they really want, which doesn’t include the real me.

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People have asked me why I always talk about sex and the truth is it has come about because I was molested and that is how I got the attention I needed as a child and it has led into my adult life. I didn’t want the sexual attention at 3 but got it anyway and that is where I learned that my sexuality brought about attention. I believe I post my pictures as a way to get attention because my only value in my eyes is my sexual appeal to a man and I need the attention like everyone else but I am drawing it to myself in a negative way.

My personal revelations about myself have come from being alone and really re-examining my behaviors and if I were involved with someone I wouldn’t take the time to look at myself and correct what I do not like and change what needs to be changed. I am changing my thinking and the way I feel about myself as I have lost 8 lbs. which is a great accomplishment and I will continue to see the lbs. drop off me as I build up my self confidence and self worth.

I have also realized why I swear so much, it’s a way to release the anger and swearing is the only way I know how to release what hurts me so and has angered me over the years. I have noticed the more anger I have the more I swear and I see it in my writings and no I do not like it one bit. What you do not like about yourself can either be accepted and changed or hung onto like a life preserver and I prefer to change.

I want to be the best I can be physically as well as mentally and my therapist has noted that I am not as angry as I once was but there is still much work to do and I know that. I do not want to get involved with someone and have a closet full of baggage to deal with because I want a fresh start uncolored by my past. I realize I will always carry a certain amount of baggage but it will not be nearly as much as it once was, hence a very healthy and lasting relationship one day.