A New Me

Life is changing and so am I as I finally realize and accept that I am a pretty awesome person and it’s been so long since I have felt good about myself. When I had the kids I put on weight and never got rid of it and my husband never encouraged me at all, no he preferred me to be big and sloppy looking and that is how I shaped my self image for years. Well, the times they are a changing as I eat healthy now and walk two miles a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

I realize this doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone but me but it is a big deal and I am actually starting to enjoy my walks as long as I have myself plugged into music. I have been on weight watchers but the weight just wasn’t coming off as it should so I have stepped up my game plan. As the weight comes off I will start to lift weights and get myself into the shape I want to be.

I hate the way I feel and look but i can already tell the change in my body as my panties no longer fit me properly. I haven’t lost a significant amount as of yet but I am headed in the right direction. Francisco hasn’t said anything about my weight which surprises me because there is nothing attractive about being over weight even if others do accept you that way.

I have set milestones for myself and I will meet them and yes it’s going to take many months but I will be beautiful in my own eyes once again. I think a lot of my problems are stemmed from the loss of family and depression which comes with burying each family member. I have not had time to grieve them as they dropped like soldiers at war with very little time in between their demise.

I would like to start running one day and that is on my list but I am not even near that goal as of yet but at least I have goals. My friend Lynn told me yesterday that she noticed I had lost weight and that my skin looked great and my eyes bright and that really boosted my ego and gave me the desire to continue on. I have no cheering section which makes it hard for me to reach my goals but I am determined to lose this weight and to quit smoking as well.

I lifted some weights today on Francisco’s plane as I went to Florida with him today as he had a meeting with some people from NASA, he spotted me and I couldn’t lift much but it was fun and we got silly which is always fun. I started walking last Monday and today was the first day I only got my a.m. walk in and I feel like shit since I didn’t walk this evening.

Francisco is seeing someone else near his home and I am ok with that because we have a strange relationship and he knows I wont sleep with him while he is seeing her but he is a man and a damn attractive one at that and of course he wants to get laid. We spend time together getting to know each other and I have no doubt he gets laid by her but what can I do? What can I say? Nothing which is something I must live with as I made the choice not to be just another piece of ass to him.

I’m going out with someone else later this week and it feels so strange to be seeing two men when there hasn’t been even one in so long and yes Francisco has a lot to offer financially but that isn’t what makes my world go around. As long as you have a job which isn’t fast food or a gas station then you are ok by my book and I have never judged anyone by how they earn a living.

I’m so glad that money doesn’t rule my life like it does with most people and I have just enough to get by and that’s fine with me because what is really important is family, love and God. I am thankful for what I have and yes my life has been difficult at best but everything happens for a reason and with every bad thing that has happened something good has eventually followed.

To Revirginize

Still waiting for you to get tired of playing the single game. A mature  and confident man doesnt go after the young women and their pussy and how they will hero worship him, instead he goes for the woman who knows how to please him emotionally as well as physically and challenge him mentally.

Wouldnt you just love to feel my lips on yours, moving down your neck to your chest and down your abdomen??? Wouldn’t you just love the feel of my warm tongue on your member bringing you to the edge over and over again and finally letting you explode????

It’s time for us to meet my dear, it is time for us to laugh, to love, to enjoy what life has for us. Let us ride the open range and enjoy the warm breeze on our smiling faces. Let us be the best of friends and see where life takes us, no pressure, no expectations, no requirements, just two people enjoying life.


You enjoy that pussy while you can because you will get tired of her soon enough. It’s a shame men your age have to fuck women so much younger for a while to make themselves feel desirable. The age difference is to much and you will get bored of her ways soon and want a woman of substance. I really expected more from you but I guess I shouldn’t have now should of I? It’s all good but I would like to know why you have followed me for all these years and why you did everything to keep me from meeting anyone else. Is it because misery loves company and now you found a young piece of ass to keep you occupied until you get bored???? I really hope you are happy but we both know its all about sex at this point and the sex isn’t all that great either because she is just another run of the mill fuck anyone can spread there legs and that is what she does for you.

Our five year run has finally ran out, you have her and I have him, we finally have some happiness in our lives. take care and be true to yourself, its a shame we never met but that was your choice, your friend always Kimberly

What do you want from me? You wont come to me but you continue to creep on me just the same. Why can’t you be happy with the cunt you are currently fucking? No she will never be me, never offer you what I have to offer and never care for you the way I do but just the same you have chosen her over me. I will always care for you but I will not be here for you when you are done with her and yes you will get bored of her self centered, all about me,. give me give me give me attitude. 

You are to old to waste time with someone who doesn’t care for you because of the person inside not the fame whore you have been for so long. I have no interest in anyone else at this time but that will change I assure you my dear I will have someone in my life by the first of the year.

There is no denying we are meant to be together or you wouldn’t have continued to stalk me for the past five years but there is no room in my life for anymore bullshit from you. If you don’t step up and talk to me like a normal person then leave me be and go on your merry way.

If you are going through a divorce then tell me why you have chosen not to be with me, not even to get to know me. If you are trying to catch up on all the sex you have missed out on during your marriage then let me know that as well and continue to fuck your way through as many girls as you can before coming to me.

Once you come to me I guarantee you will not want to be with another woman and you will find me to be the woman that you have wanted and needed for years. I have so much to offer you and you to me so lets stop with the games and get on with living life and being happy.

Go ahead pretend to be Paul Metcalfe on KIK , I reactivated my  account so I can chat with some people I have met on there, so go ahead fuck with me some more on KIK.


I dont have your pics any longer honestly i do not I set you free now do me the same favor and leave me alone.

My dear I am giving you a birthday present for my birthday, yes I know this sounds strange but I enjoy giving to others and I have decided to share with you something that will make you rest easy. I have destroyed the disc of your pics and I no longer have any pics of you anywhere, I decided to do this because I have no desire to hurt you and that would not make me a better person to do so. Please feel free to move forward without fear of me contacting anyone in your family or press as I have truly destroyed your pics as I want to forget you and to move on with my life. As long as I keep photos or memories of you I cannot be open to love from anyone so you see I had no choice but to cleanse my life of you forever.

You may think I am lieing to you or trying to trick you but my sweet I am not because this is what God expects from me, to rise above my anger and pain brought to me by you and to give to you my understanding, caring and love in the form of forgiving you for hurting me on purpose. God has said forgive him for he knows not what he has done and so I have opened my heart and let go of all the negative.

I will always care about you and wish you happiness but only you can make yourself happy and I do believe you are moving in the right direction to do so. I am not and never have been your enemy nor have I ever wanted anything from you and that has not changed. I send you love, health, happiness as you continue your lifes journey, you are and always will be my tortuga favorita, mi dios dado alma gemela.



You will never forget about me will you? Of course you won’t because we are truly soulmates but if you want to be with me you know you have to leave Irina behind. You know what you must do and the moves you must make to be with me. I am not asking you or telling you what to do because you already know what must be  done. I have waited 5 long years but no longer my dear, no, no longer.

You have pushed and pushed and I have decided to let myself be pushed out of your life forever so I do hope that is what you really want but we both know better now don’t we? You want me so bad and you are so afraid that I will forget you now aren’t you? This is your last chance to have everything you really want in a woman and if you don’t grab me now well then you will forever be lonely, really lonely. You will always be able to get sex but you  want so much more you need so much more and I can provide all of that to you.

Shamel is a young mature adult who will be on his way in less than three years and he knows how unhappy you really are. Irina doesnt want you any longer nor you her so here is your chance to experience love, caring, consideration-someone who wants to do for you not take from you. So there you have it do what you must but don’t be a fool and let the love you want walk away and if you do, well my best to you my dearest Gabriel.

Please do not contact me on my birthday if you have no intention of spending it with me which I doubt that you will. It’s time for us to be together or to part ways forever and I am not one to give ultimatums but I can no longer keep going on like this and I  know you understand that even soulmates can only wait so long.

This is the time for endings and new beginnings so we either stop this completely or we have a new beginning which will lead us to being together as we should be. I am not so sure that you want to be with me other than sexually and I need more than that. You have treated me so poorly that I am ready to close the door but that is up to you and you alone at this point. Dont be foolish and stay in a situation that gives you nothing, yes you look like a great husband as well as father, brother ect. but the truth is you are empty inside and need to be loved and cared for and I am the one that can do that and you know it, what are you so afraid of? You cannot live for others expectations of you or the image that you have portrayed unless you do not want to be really happy and who doesn’t want to be really happy?


Most women today will have sex on the first or second date and think nothing of it, but then there are those like myself that have revirginized ourselves. To revirginize is to be celibate for years and some women do this because they have no desire for sex, do not care for it or know the next man that they give themselves to will be with them for a very long time if not for life.

This doesnt mean that marriage is involved, yes it could be  but it isn’t mandatory in my book but being committed is what I require to have sex with someone, being monogamous is very important to me because when I give myself to a man I am giving more than my body as he is getting my heart and soul. There are very few women who have enough self respect to have sex on their terms and will fuck anyone, anywhere and at anytime.

The next man I become physical with will know that I have been untouched for years and that what I have to offer them is special and not run of the mill. They will never have to worry or wonder how many men I am fucking or have fucked because it will never be an issue. Men do respect a woman that doesn’t jump into bed with them because it does show they have values even if the man does get frustrated sexually.

I have slept with men without sex and yes it is difficult to hold back but it is so well worth it in the end. You can have sex with just about anyone these days and those that do hold out are doing it for specific reasons, one being self worth and valuing oneself. Most men just want to get laid and do not think about how many other men the woman has been with and they never think that the woman could have slept with someone else the night before or even earlier in the day.

So many women are desperate to get a man and they think giving sex is the answer but they are so wrong because men get laid so easily that there is practically no challenge any longer for them. Men like a challenge, they like the chase and the game and that is so exciting to them because once they catch the woman they desire they so enjoy being with her and they enjoy the sex so much more because it isn’t superficial.

An update- a friend of mine started dating this guy and she ended up sleeping with him two months after they met. Several months later she began to feel sick all of the time and went to the dr. and he ran tests and discovered she had HIV. Yep, she caught it from this guy and he knew he had it!!! After doing some investigating she found that he had been having sex with other guys and some were married. He was hiding the fact that he had gay tendencies and now she is sueing him.

The real sad thing is she was sleeping with two other men as well and now she doesn’t want to tell them, now that is fucked up!

So you think the woman you with is clean? Well, before you bury your face in that muff you damn well better think twice because what happened to my friend could easily happen to the woman who you are with. Now you know why I haven’t had sex with anyone in almost five years, because I do not want to catch anything-you can trust no one these days and people lie lie lie so if you think wrapping your cock in latex is going to save your ass you damn well better think again.

Why We Do

Do you do things that you wonder why you do them? Some people bite their nails because they are nervous or chew on their hair and then there are others that like to follow people because they are creepy and insecure and need to know that persons every move. Then we have those that get off on watching women undress and they watch through the window at night.

Then we have those that fall into the creeper category as they follow you online, hack your computer, fantasize about you, reread over and over posts and look at your pics over and over. These people do this because they are attracted to the person but cannot understand why because the person isn’t someone they would normally wish to meet or ever be with.

The creepers want to be with the person so bad but are just to insecure to make the move on the person for fear of rejection or being insulted and called out on their behavior. They do nothing but make the person of their desires feel inadequate because they cannot understand why the person will not meet them and they feel as if they are inferior and not good enough for the person to meet.

The truth is they are none of the above in fact quite the opposite and that is what makes them so appealing to the creeper. The creeper doesn’t want their victim to meet anyone else because they have convinced themselves that they will one day meet the person but they need more time to build up enough self esteem to make the move and the fear is so great that they will be rejected that they are held back by themselves.

In some cases, when this behavior goes on for years these two people are soul mates and belong together but there are to many unanswered questions for the creeper to move forward that they are to fearful to make a move but these two individuals eventually do end up together. The sad thing is that so much time is wasted on the games and the creeper is so unsure of themselves that they really do not know what to do so they do all they can behind the scenes to keep the person that is the object of their affection tied up and unobtainable to others that may have an interest in them.

What ends up happening is the creepers victim gets tired of the games and does move on, leaving the creeper with nothing but air in their hands and fantasies in their minds. No one stays in these type of relationships because they are harmful to both individuals and are not healthy in the least bit. So if you are a creeper you better make a move on your victim before they are gone forever from your life and you have nothing but regrets.

Just Insane

I have had the most extraordinary time since I have met Francisco as he is what every woman dreams of and I cannot believe that he is so attracted to me. He treats me like Im a damn princess or something and I am not used to it as he is always pulling out my chair, opening the car door, asking me if I need anything and so attentive to me. He is always holding my hand and hugging me like I’m a cat or something and it feels so strange as Im not used to it at all.

We had another fantastic weekend as we went to Toronto for dinner, lol, this is just so wild and crazy and his lifestyle is something out of a magazine. He has a push button tie rack, pants and shirt rack on his plane and nobody would believe it if I told them what I have been experiencing. I have seen more things that I have never seen before since I have been seeing him and some is impressive I must admit.

He asked me what my favorite meal was and I told him it was a toss up between a great steak and ribs so we flew to Toronto and I had the best damn steak I have ever eaten, Kobi beef totally rocks and is so damn good but outrageously expensive. We drank champagne, which I never have had and it was alright but not for me but the dinner, omg it was just so good.

This man has so much romance about him that I am having a difficult time keeping my pants on but I’m just not ready to take that leap into the sack as of yet. It’s not that I don’t want to, no that isn’t it at all but there is something holding me back and it’s called doing me and me only. I just do not know how I end up with these type of men but I do and it shocks the hell out of me.

He has asked me if I would like to go to Greece on a yacht he is going to rent but I do not know about that  because that smells of sex, sex, sex and I don’t know if I want to take that leap as of yet. Who in the fuck has money to rent a yacht? This is so far from my meager lifestyle that it seems to be too much to fast and I feel as if I am spinning and yes it is nice but I also know that if he wasn’t in my life I wouldn’t be living this way and if and when we are no more I will be right back at where I started from so I am just enjoying the ride while I can and when it ends if it ends then it’s over.

I haven’t shared any of this with anyone because it just seems to good to be true and no one would believe me anyway because those in my life know I do not live that type of lifestyle and neither do they and I have no doubt someone would be asking me to get something from him for them and there is no way. I refuse to take anything from him but a meal and I will not let anyone use him either, people are just that way and you have to be protective of the one you are with.

I wondered why God would have me care so deeply for someone who I will never meet and now I think I know why, so I would be available for Francisco and so I could experience all this new stuff. It is impressive but even that only goes so far as he spends 99% of his time on the computer or the phone and I spend my time playing games on the computer and just kicking back.

I’ve been asked out by another guy that I have chatted with and since Francisco and I are not monogamous I will go out with him. He’s not rich, not famous and a regular guy but I would like to go out with him because there is something I really like about him. Francisco and I have discussed seeing other people and we have agreed that we are free to see other people and so I plan on dating other guys which will be a first for me as I usually do not date more than one person at a time.

The Mind Gamer

People play mind games with each other for various reasons but a man will  do this because he is  emotionally insecure would definitely play mind games with that woman that he’s wooing. He’s not exactly sure what he’s actually feeling so while he’s assessing himself, he would rather play mind games first. Rather than allow the woman to see his emotional insecurity, he deems it best to puzzle her.

It’s also a form of control, the one thing they can control when they have little or no control over their own lives. Men that play these kind of games think they are intriguing and mysterious when the fact is they are become boring and the woman will look elsewhere for companionship. I do not enjoy mind games and do not play them and no longer participate with someone who enjoyed playing with me.

I finally found a man who doesn’t play mind games and wants to be with me and enjoys my company. I no longer seek a relationship with someone who I once was very attracted to because he has made himself elusive and obviously is to insecure to meet me so I have moved on. I now have real arms around me, real kisses and kind words and I now have a man who I never in a million years thought would take a second look at me.

Yes, he is wealthy but that doesnt make me attracted to him and yes he has tried to spend large amounts of money on me only to be turned down. He hasn’t pushed sex on me and has accepted the fact that I will have sex when I am ready and not before. He has asked me to be his travel partner as he travels quite frequently and he also realizes I have a minor child that I am responsible for and he has made every effort to spend time with me on my terms.

He flys in when he can and we spend time just laughing and having a great time and I have had him over for dinner. He really appreciated a home cooked meal and my plate of cookies and yes I baked cookies and shit because I am finally happy. He so loved my deserts that he wants me to open a business but that would be to time consuming and I wouldn’t have time for him.

He was surprised when he saw my bedroom which has nothing in it other than a mattress on a steel frame and my  sauna and he wanted to buy me a new bedroom set but I said no. I do not want to buy a new set until I move because I do not want more furniture than I need. He wants to give me the world but I do not want it and that frustrates him as he is used to buying things for the women that have been in his life.

 He’s coming in later tonight and we will just hang out at his hotel because I don’t want him meeting my kids as of yet. I believe in protecting my children as much as possible and even though I really like Francisco it is just to early to introduce him to my kids. They know I am dating someone but that is all they know until I am ready to tell them more or let them meet him.

He doesn’t play mind games because he is a very secure man who doesn’t need to control every aspect of his life and he as well as I are allowing things to fall as they may, without the games. It is so refreshing to date someone who knows what they want out of life and they know who and what they are and they appreciate those around them and in their lives.

Everyone Does It

I know it is wrong but all of us are guilty of doing it, what is this it you might ask? Well, it’s jumping to conclusions or making assumptions and I have done just that recently. Francisco wasn’t treating someone the right way in my opinion and so I ended up giving him the cold shoulder until we finally sat down and talked about “what my problem was”.

He said to me, you know things were really heating up between us and then the deep freeze came out of nowhere so would you like to explain to me what is bothering  you? So, we sat down and had a nice chat and he explained a few things that I was totally unaware of. Once we talked it was quite easy for me to validate his behavior and to eat some crow.

I feel like such an ass for not talking to him before making an assumption and I think I am learning that communication is the key to making good relationships and misunderstandings would be far and few between if we just spoke to each other and actually listened. It’s been so long since I have been alone it’s hard to adjust to another person being around but when I do see him it’s fun.

The difference between dating a man and dating a woman is a woman will slowly move her shit in without you even noticing, she will go through your medicine cabinet, your nightstand, cellphone, personal papers, you name it because most women are really insecure. Now a man, hell he won’t waste his time doing that shit but he will pay attention if he feels threatened in any way.

This dating is for the birds but is actually beginning to be quite a bit of fun and I think I like dating and getting out and about for a change. Even though he works a hell of a lot he has made time to talk to me everyday and to skype which makes me very happy. There are no games with him, no bullshit, no lies as far as I can tell and I do hope we keep moving in the direction we are currently headed.

The Last Thirty

I was taking a pee and started thinking as I always do when on the toilet, lol. I started thinking about the last thirty days I would have on this earth and how I would spend it and how my husband spent his. He knew he only had thirty days to live, to see his wife and children, to sleep in his home, watch his grass grow and so on. So how would you spend your last thirty days?

No, you do not get to win the lottery, be a super hero or the president, you can only be who you are in day to day life. What would you do? Would you go sky diving? Would you run up your credit cards buying things for those you love? Would you meet the person you have always wanted to be with? What would you do with those last thirty days? Have you given it any thought? I doubt that you have as most people do not look at the end of their lives.

I think back to how my husband spent his last thirty days and he spent them trying to fulfill all of his promises and take care of his family. He asked me why I didn’t spend time with him as he lay in his death bed and my stock answer was I had to take care of the house and the kids. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that with each passing day I saw him dwindle into nothingness, watching the man who I had admired disappear, watching him fade into darkness.

I believe we do the best we can while we are here and yes we make mistakes, do stupid shit and say even dumber things to others but we still try to do out best. It must have been as much if not more mental torture for my husband to count his days as each morning faded into nightfall, leaving him with one less day  of life. I cannot even imagine what he was feeling but he spent the last thirty with those he loved, in his own home and he ate food prepared just for him.

Several years prior to my husband’s demise a neighbor had colon cancer and the last month of her life I was able to give her the gift from my heart. Baking is a gift I love to give and she couldn’t keep anything down but the panna cotta I made for her everyday. She so loved it as it was light and she was able to keep it down and that my friends is what loving someone is about. Giving to them from your heart and that is what I did for her and my husband.

So, now why don’t you sit back and think about your last thirty days and how you would spend them, who you would spend them with and what you would do with that limited time frame. We never know when our last thirty will be and most of us will not even know it when it hits us, the hour of our death, so I think we really should examine what is in our hearts and go after it before our last thirty is gone.

To Experience

I find myself looking forward to new experiences on a daily basis but some of those experiences have taught me lessons that will stay with me throughout my life time. I have been dating a guy that is VERY well off financially and it has been fun but not as much fun as I thought it would be. I see this man treat people in a way that doesnt sit well with me because he has money doesn’t give him the right to look down on people.

When you treat people poorly then that says volumes about you as a person and he has made the mistake of making remarks regarding me being an industrial electrician. I wasn’t born with a golden spoon in my mouth or allowed the luxury of building a very successful business but I didn’t sit on my laurels and do nothing with my life. I could have done nothing but work at a restaurant as a waitress or become a barmaid and lived that way until Mr. Right came along.

Being an electrician takes more than brains and it isn’t a profession for the faint at heart, its a very dangerous profession especially in the industrial world because you are not limited to 120 volts, more like 4800 volts on a daily basis. When you laugh at me for my work then you are a fucking idiot. I didn’t have the money to go to college and went to a community college until I had to stop because of my  husband’s health.

I do not like anyone trying to buy me and yesterday I traveled to Houston with him and he gave me his credit card to go shopping, most women would have jumped on that but not me because when you take a man’s credit card you damn well better plan on giving him sex in return. I never take anything from anyone because I have learned it is always used against you or thrown in your face.

I did enjoy his company very much but then I began to see the real man and I didn’t like what I saw so I have no intentions of going out with him again, I do not care how much money he may have, what he can give me or buy me. I have met several men that were financially well off and I have found them all to have an ego problem and they like to throw around their weight.

So as quickly as it started it has ended but I’m ok with it because I like my own company and quite comfortable with being by myself. I’m just glad I didn’t fall into bed with him and still have my self worth intact. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be and I can still walk around with my head held high and know that I didn’t sell myself short to the highest bidder.

Splender In The Grass

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

The above poem is about  a girl and what she was feeling about the boy that she wanted to marry but never could, it was in the movie of the same name and it so reminds me of two people who loved each other. It touched me so as the poem is so poignant to my  own life in so many ways.