Wow

Never thought I was a very attractive female and always thought that men prefer skinny women but I am finding that not to be true at all. I joined a site that is interesting and fun and I have met a lot of really nice people who find me very attractive. Yes, I am aware that men love naked pics but I have gotten so many compliments on my smile that I am blown away.

I’ve had some very delicious offers but sometimes when things are too good to be true they are so I don’t bite. People also like to play games and I play along but do not hang my hat on any of them. I had my first paid phone sex appointment today which was actually very exciting for me as well as him and he was quite satisfied.

He said he loved my voice and that he was so turned on by me that he was going to call again, lol. It wasn’t much money but it was fun and the experience will serve me well in the future. I have got to do something to bring in some cash as things are tight right now and I school books to purchase for college and the gas will take a toll on me as well.

I do not find anything wrong with phone sex and I am home with the kids which is what they need. Some may call me cheap, a whore or other names but that doesnt phase me as I do not care what others think as they have not walked in my shoes. Taking care of my family is my top priority and I will keep us afloat one way or the other.

The Last 8

Someone I know passed away last week and she was just a few years younger than myself. She left two boys 18 and 16 which are my kids ages and my kids went to school with these boys. I was shocked that she had passed and it reminded me of when my husband Bob died and the last eight minutes of our life together.

I can remember so clearly walking into our bedroom and he was doing the death rattle which is the sound people make before they die. It’s a rattling sound in the chest as if they have phlegm in their lungs and it makes a rattling sound. I walked slowly into our bedroom as the fear gripped my heart and as I stood in front of his bed, his eyes were closed and he was an ashen color.

I touched his hand and felt a bit of relief as I could feel the warmth which meant he was still alive even though I already knew this I needed that reassurance of touching him. I reached for the bottle of morphine unscrewed the cap and sucked up morphine into the dropper and put it to his lips and squeezed.

I knew he would be gone in a very short time and I replaced the cap on the morphine and walked back into the great room where I sat and waited. I looked at the clock and sat hoping he would die quickly because I couldn’t stand the pain of the anticipation of his death. I didn’t want to lose my husband but I wanted him to die so it could be over with as I just couldn’t stand it.

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I felt a pull of my body, the pull that made me get up and follow nobody back into our bedroom and as I walked through the great room I looked at the clock and it was eight minutes later. Exactly eight minutes later my husband was gone forever from my life, our lives and as I walked through the doorway I knew he was gone.

I walked up to him and touched his hand and looked at his calm features as he was nothing but a shell. I could see a bit of blood at the corner of his mouth and I walked like a robot to the closet and got a wash cloth. I went into the bathroom and ran the water until it was warm and I soaked the washcloth and wrang it out.

I walked back to him as I had done so many times before and I gently washed his face and that is when the tears sprang from my eyes. I stood there without moving a muscle on my face and the tears made a staggered stream down my face. I sat next to the bed and held his hand until it grew cool and then I made the appropriate calls.

The black station wagon pulled into the driveway and a gentleman took a gurney into our bedroom and I watched his body exit the front door and that was the end, the finality of our life together. The panic gripped my heart like a steel hand as I began to wonder how was I going to make it without him? How was I going to take care of the kids? How was I going to maintain the house, bills, cars? How was I going to make it all on my own once again?

Fast forward two years later and I have made it by myself, yes I have kept my kids alive and healthy, paid the bills, maintained this house the best I can and I have done it all on my own with no man insight to help me emotionally or financially and I have found myself to be a better person for it. I have grieved and I have made it so anyone who thinks they cannot live without their significant other should realize that we do live, life does go on and it is up to us on how we deal with the change.

So many say I am strong such a strong woman but the truth is Im just as insecure as most, I still doubt myself and I still think I could be so much better than I am. I am my own worse critic and I am the first to  put myself down because if I can accept my failings before someone else points them out then I feel as if I am ahead of the game.

Now I just go through life not happy but not unhappy as I exist and wait for the right person to enter my life, the right man who can love me and accept my children, the man who has the same wants, desires and goals as I do. I wait in the wings as I watch other couples together and I wonder when will be my turn, yes I just wonder but never question God’s plan because I am not one to question something that no answers will come from.

Someone Like You

We go through life like a tumble weed until we bump into that one person who changes our entire life, world, hopes, wishes and dreams. That one person makes our heart skip a beat and they except us at our very worse. That one special person we want to build a firm bond with, raise a family and share our life with.

This one person becomes part of our world and part of us and then one day something terrible happens. We awaken to find that they no longer love the little things they once thought were cute about us, they no longer listen when we speak and they pull away when we reach out to them. This is when our hearts shatter and we become lost, so very lost.

We go through the next few years fighting with that person until we reach the final destination which is divorce and the end of what we once thought was our happy life. The truth is we saw the cracks long ago but used bubble gum to patch them up so we didn’t have to face our own failings or so we think they are failings.

We reach the freedom wagon that takes us back into the mainstream of life and we placate ourselves with relationships until we can finally find that one person that will turn everything around and make us happy once again. We search and search usually for the prettiest, smartest, wealthiest person because we think that will make us happy.

The truth is when we are not looking for love is when we get bitten by it, the person you never thought you could or would love is the exact same person that is the one we do end up loving.  It’s that very person that knows how to make us laugh and smile when we do not feel like, it’s that person that wants to make our world a happy place that actually does make us happy.

The one thing that destroys this illusion of love is our own fear of opening up to another person, a person that could easily crush us again and we refuse to let anyone that close to us because we cannot stand the pain of trying to put ourselves back together again. When we are emotionally hurt we get lost in the pain and we let fear rule us instead of challenging us.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KHk9d2pQFU

Once we can get past our fear we can move forward and heal and during that time we learn to open our hearts again and believe in love. Love is real and exists for each and every one of us but if we chose to keep our hearts locked up we will never learn to love again, we will never experience the happiness a couple experiences and if we continue to judge someone instead of letting them expose themselves to us then we are cheating ourselves of the one person that may truly love us for who we are not what we have.

I havent been involved with anyone because I knew I couldn’t love them they way they should and I needed to heal some very deep wounds. I am strong again and I am willing to let myself love again even though the possibility of getting hurt exists. I would rather love and get hurt again then to never love at all because being in love is so wonderful and exciting, so yes I am open to love again.