To Realize

There are times when the worse pain we feel is in our hearts and we feel like we will never get over the immense pain. Today, I watched as the men carried away the bags of clothes, boxes of unwanted household items, old computer equipment and unwanted furniture. The very last piece they took was the armoire my husband and I had shared and it was the last piece of our bedroom set that hadn’t sold.

I thought I would never feel loss again but I have lied to myself as they walked out the door with it and the memories flooded my mind and heart. There is very little left of my husband here and my bedroom is almost barren of once what was of us. My bed is now a mattress on a steel frame and the sauna is in our room and I have realized that our bedroom will always be just that, ours.

I can never  bring another man into that room and I can never make love in that room ever again and even random sex will never happen either. When we lose our spouse the pain is so damn sharp but after time it mellows with age but I have realized I will never forget my husband and I no longer am going to try. He was a pivotal part of my life and always will be as I look at my children and see bits and pieces of him in them.

I have a sadness that has settled in my heart and will pass eventually but I have realized something that never occurred to me until last night when I was chatting with someone. I realized that I thought I had been looking for a relationship but the truth is you can never “look” for a relationship because they just happen. I have realized I just want to enjoy life and have fun and if a relationship happens, well that would be great.

My new online friend made me realize that life is for the living and never look for a relationship, no just enjoy the people that come into your life until they leave. You cannot find a relationship, no you just enjoy the person you spend time with and if something develops then there you have it. So, today I realized I need to enjoy what I have and the people I have in my life and as I go through life, someone, someday will be a friend and then a lover and then and only then will there be a relationship.