It Dies

Over the years I have somehow found myself building all these feelings for someone I will never meet and yes I know it sounds crazy but it has happened. I woke up this morning and as I thought of him with her I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I have gotten so upset over this that I am crying all the time and actually sick to my stomach and the depression has fallen upon me once again.

I have fought depression for years and I have had a good handle on it until recently because when I fall for someone I fall hard, smashing my face against the ground. Somehow I have fallen for someone who is never going to be obtainable and it’s literally killing me. I am so severely depressed and cannot pull myself up which is effecting my family as well as myself. I continue to question what is wrong with me and when I look in the mirror I absolutely hate the person I see.

I’ve had this dream for years of meeting him, holding his hand, kissing him and making love to him and I have finally come to the realization that this will never happen and I must accept it. As I sit here the tears stream down my face as I must let go of the dream, I must let the dream float away like a helium filled balloon floating away in the air. I do not know how I got into this state but I haven’t felt anything this painful since I was thirteen when my first boyfriend and I broke up.

I do not know if I am in love with this person or what it is, all I know is it is destroying me and I can no longer let this continue to happen. I care about nothing and have no desire to do a damn thing other than climb into bed and hide under the covers, as if they could protect my heart. I am a fool, an old fool to let myself care so much but the truth is I am constantly getting information from somewhere about his life. I never thought I would feel this way again but I was so wrong as the feeling consumes me.

I worry about him all the time and his son is always on my mind because I get feelings and visions of what is yet to come and I hate it. Some people say being psychic is a gift but for me it is a personal hell that drags me down. I’m not always right but most of the time I am spot on and I try to help people but so many think Im crazy and totally out in left field. At this point all I can do is forget him and hope I live to see another day.

If he cared at all he would leave me alone completely or he would meet me and I now have finally excepted that, that will never happen. I know it’s so stupid to let someone mean so much to you  but I am on a serious spiral downward and cannot stop my descent as I seem to pick up speed every day and I hate my life so much.

Some people dream of meeting someone famous and some dream to win the lottery but all I have dreamed of is meeting him and showing him how much I truly care about him. The tears have washed away my illusions and I am walking away so I can save myself. I have been so damn stupid but I can no longer  let  my emotions rule my world and I do not wish him harm I just wish him to be gone from my life so I can open my heart to someone who will love me.

All Shook Up

Have you ever been so shook up that you actually got sick to your stomach? When I get really upset my nerves go so haywire that I actually get sick to my stomach. The last time I was that upset was the day my husband died and I didn’t think I would ever feel that ill again. Well, I was wrong as I have started the same thing again because someone I have come to care deeply about is fucking some barmaid.

Every time I see that he goes to pick her up in his private jet I actually get sick to my stomach and I have done nothing but cry for the past several days and it just starts out of no where and I cannot live like this. My kids keep asking me what is wrong and I have to keep coming up with lame excuses that they aren’t buying and they are worried about me. I cannot keep living like this because it’s tearing me apart and I have got to stop these feelings I have from controlling me.

Rip_my_heart_out_by_JMFMetallicat-1

He doesn’t give a shit about me and never will so I have got to do everything I can to save myself from such heartbreak. You may ask how could I be so crazy about someone I have never met and all I can tell you is I feel a connection with this man and have no idea why. I cannot understand how someone can constantly read what someone else writes, over and over and keep looking at their pictures and then go fuck another person.

He’s going nowhere with this woman and she is nothing but a fuck for him and if he does that to her he would do the same to me. I do not believe he would ever be faithful if we were to get together and I have to remind myself that he isn’t worth my time. Regardless of my personal reminders he has such an effect on me and I have got to stop thinking about ever being with him and I just want to rip my heart out and throw it away.

 

Anyone

I seemed to have forgotten that anyone can have a mental illness and yes depression falls in that category. For some reason when I thought of a billionaire, I thought of someone who had it totally together and was a great leader. I started thinking about the first time I heard the word billionaire and it was attached to Howard Hughes, this man had visions beyond his time and yes he was quite wealthy.

When I look at his life I see a very lonely wealthy man who ended up going quite mad before he died as he locked himself into one room of his mansion. He cut himself off from the world and the people in it and yes he suffered from a mental illness. I now someone who is basically walking in Howard’s footsteps and for some reason I assumed his wealth and talent kept him as sane as most people.

Then I realized, he wasn’t like the rest of the world and he suffers from a mental illness as well. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or how much fame because mental illness isn’t picky or selective as anyone can suffer from a form of it at any given day or time. I was so foolish to believe that he had it together because of his money and fame but then I woke up and realized he is suffering like anyone else with a mental illness.

It is quite possible to heal oneself mentally and with help you can live a very productive life as I am. My life is boring as hell but I am functioning better than most people I see in this world. If my illness keeps you at an arm’s length then you are nothing more than a hypocrite because most people have suffered from a form of depression at one time or another. There are so many types of mental illness and stalking someone is also considered a mental illness.

So you see, anyone can suffer from this type of illness and I must remember that because I have been dealing with someone who is ill. I have placed this person on a pedestal for reasons not even I know but I do know it’s nothing to do  with his money or talent. When you are lonely it’s easy to fall into a pattern healthy or not and that is what I have done as I have let this person rule my emotions and my life in so many ways which is so wrong.

I have been in a self confined prison emotionally and I have let myself feel for this person even though we have never met. I have felt he was the only one there when I lost a family member year after year and then lost my husband. I felt a connection with this man who is hard to describe and I have lost myself within him which is a waste of time as he doesn’t love me or ever will as I do not fit into his perfect world as I am not perfect and never will be.