A New Me

Life is changing and so am I as I finally realize and accept that I am a pretty awesome person and it’s been so long since I have felt good about myself. When I had the kids I put on weight and never got rid of it and my husband never encouraged me at all, no he preferred me to be big and sloppy looking and that is how I shaped my self image for years. Well, the times they are a changing as I eat healthy now and walk two miles a day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

I realize this doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone but me but it is a big deal and I am actually starting to enjoy my walks as long as I have myself plugged into music. I have been on weight watchers but the weight just wasn’t coming off as it should so I have stepped up my game plan. As the weight comes off I will start to lift weights and get myself into the shape I want to be.

I hate the way I feel and look but i can already tell the change in my body as my panties no longer fit me properly. I haven’t lost a significant amount as of yet but I am headed in the right direction. Francisco hasn’t said anything about my weight which surprises me because there is nothing attractive about being over weight even if others do accept you that way.

I have set milestones for myself and I will meet them and yes it’s going to take many months but I will be beautiful in my own eyes once again. I think a lot of my problems are stemmed from the loss of family and depression which comes with burying each family member. I have not had time to grieve them as they dropped like soldiers at war with very little time in between their demise.

I would like to start running one day and that is on my list but I am not even near that goal as of yet but at least I have goals. My friend Lynn told me yesterday that she noticed I had lost weight and that my skin looked great and my eyes bright and that really boosted my ego and gave me the desire to continue on. I have no cheering section which makes it hard for me to reach my goals but I am determined to lose this weight and to quit smoking as well.

I lifted some weights today on Francisco’s plane as I went to Florida with him today as he had a meeting with some people from NASA, he spotted me and I couldn’t lift much but it was fun and we got silly which is always fun. I started walking last Monday and today was the first day I only got my a.m. walk in and I feel like shit since I didn’t walk this evening.

Francisco is seeing someone else near his home and I am ok with that because we have a strange relationship and he knows I wont sleep with him while he is seeing her but he is a man and a damn attractive one at that and of course he wants to get laid. We spend time together getting to know each other and I have no doubt he gets laid by her but what can I do? What can I say? Nothing which is something I must live with as I made the choice not to be just another piece of ass to him.

I’m going out with someone else later this week and it feels so strange to be seeing two men when there hasn’t been even one in so long and yes Francisco has a lot to offer financially but that isn’t what makes my world go around. As long as you have a job which isn’t fast food or a gas station then you are ok by my book and I have never judged anyone by how they earn a living.

I’m so glad that money doesn’t rule my life like it does with most people and I have just enough to get by and that’s fine with me because what is really important is family, love and God. I am thankful for what I have and yes my life has been difficult at best but everything happens for a reason and with every bad thing that has happened something good has eventually followed.