Old School New School

As far as relationships I am an old school woman who embraces new school ways as I like taking care of a man but I also like my freedom. I would rather see someone two days a week and be ecstatic to see them then to be with someone seven days a week and not enjoy every minute I spend with them. I prefer to cook from scratch and to sit at the dinner table across from each other enjoying discussing the days or weeks events.

I prefer to do for my man and I prefer to make out than to fuck all of the time, I feel that foreplay is so important to a relationship in fact more important than having sex because foreplay involves lots of kissing, touching and exploring. I would never tell a guy that I would fuck him anytime he wanted because that would devalue me as well as the time we spent together.

Any woman who will fuck you anytime you want isn’t worth the time it takes to take off her clothes in fact she probably disrobes without a blink of an eye. I look down on those women because they do not value themselves enough and put quite a low price tag on themselves. A man will keep this type of woman around only for sex and a good time and that is something I refuse to let myself be labeled as.

I take  a lot of naked pictures and yes I post them for all to see because I am not embarrassed or feel ashamed even though some men will think I am an easy woman it doesn’t matter to me because I know I am not. I recently had someone tell me they loved me and wanted me to take the pics down yet they barely know me and never have met me, so there is no reason to take them down.

The man I am currently dating has seen my pics and looks at the quite a bit from what he tells me and he hasn’t asked me to take them down as of yet. Maybe it’s because we haven’t seen each other but a few times and I think he feels as if he doesn’t have the right at this time to ask me to remove them. He has told me he does enjoy looking at them and yes it bothers him that I have posted them but he and I are to new in the dating scene to request anything from me.

If he asked me I would remove them but only if I knew for sure that we were monogamous and that comes only with time. He travels quite a bit and I do not know him well enough to know if I am the only one or if there are others in other cities. I am not going to ask him because if he wants to be with me then he has to tell me I am the only one without me asking.  I had a great time with him this weekend but I am not holding my breath as far as when I will see him again.

He works seven days a week sometimes and his time is very limited and he asked me if I wanted to get together sometime next week and of course I said yes. It’s nice to date someone with money as it takes you out of your normal element but it doesn’t matter to me if we go out or stay in as long as our time is spent enjoying each other. His touch is so soft, so gentle and so loving and that is why I love latin men so much.

Latin men are normally raised in big families with tons of love and affection and they express that when they are older. Francisco has those handsome, tall and dark looks that are known of latin men and his lips are so soft like satin and he is such a damn good kisser and that is what I like about a man. A man who can kiss me and make me wet just by those kisses gets my vote every time.

It’s nice to have a man closer to my age than all those young men that hit on me or pretend to hit on me online. I do not date men that are more than ten years younger than I am because  I feel as if they are not on the same wave length as I am and that is so important to any relationship. It’s important to have the same value system and to have the same likes and dislikes to the most part.

I can not date anyone that doesn’t keep me mentally stimulated first and foremost because it is so true to seduce the mind first will always seduce the body. It’s important for me to date strong, intelligent men because I am a strong and intelligent woman and I refuse to sell myself short to the highest bidder like so many women do. I am in no hurry to remarry if I ever do so that alone keeps me safe from getting hurt to badly, or so I think but most women are desperate to marry for security but not me as I refuse to use anyone for financial gain and that alone is what most women  look for in a man.

The Tease

What an absolutely fabulous evening I had and without a doubt at the top of the great moments of my life! I didn’t know I could enjoy someone’s company so much and I had forgotten what it felt like to throw caution to the wind and just have some damn fun for a change. Last night was so much fun I doubt that I will ever  have another evening rival last night but who knows what today will hold?

We went to a restaurant I really like in Ohio, Mancy’s, it is a very rare occasion that I go there but it is a nice lowly lit restaurant that serves excellent steak and I was feeling steak last night. We drove the forty five minute drive chattering like to best friends that hadn’t seen each other in quite some time and it was such an easy conversation and so exciting for me because I do not talk to many people on a day to day basis.

We entered the restaurant and to my surprise we were led to a very secluded booth as the place was packed as usual on a Friday night. Francisco had called ahead and made arrangements so we would have some privacy and to do that for me made me feel so damn special for a change. I never feel special but he has that something I am always looking for in a man.

I no longer date American men because they are classless assholes for the most part and they have not a clue what romance is about, no American men drop their pants and want a blowjob then fuck you and call it a night. Latin men are so different from my experience and there is something about Latin men that attracts me like a bear to honey. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have met such an awesome person but God brought him to me for some wonderful reason and I  am eating it up with a spoon.

We had a wonderful dinner and the conversation was so damn stimulating for a change that the beginning of the night was great. Once we finished dinner we headed out to Ann Arbor to check out the street fair which is always awesome and the artwork is so unique and different. Francisco bought several pieces of beautiful art and we continued to enjoy the evening walking the fair hand in hand.

We were quite aways from the car when the sky’s started turning that ugly color of a storm and the wind picked up so strongly he had to hold on to me by my arm so I wouldn’t blow away. We walked briskly towards the car and the heaven’s opened up and it poured, I mean poured like I haven’t experienced in quite some time. My sheer top clung to my naked breasts and you could practically see the veins on my breasts as my nipples became cold and erect.

We reached the car and I was freezing from wearing clothing that was soaked and we headed to the hotel as it was closer than my home. I followed him into his room and he went to change clothes and to get me a towel. I was so cold I began to remove my wet clothing and as I was removing my wet panties he walked out of the bathroom to find me naked and wet. I looked at him and just laughed and went running to the bed and jumped under the covers to warm myself.

He sat next to me and said “you know this isn’t fair, you’re naked and I am dressed” and I told him that he was more than welcome to join me but he had to remove his clothing. I made it clear to him that I would not have sex with him but if he wanted to cuddle I was up for that. He removed his clothing and as I enjoyed the view of his awesome body I began to fantasize having sex with him.

He slid in next to me and put his arm around my wet hair and I cuddled up to him placing my knee just above his groin. He was definitely excited and I could feel his hard on on the backside of my thigh and we began to kiss. The kisses that are slow, romantic and not hurried or rushed in anyway and I began to run my hand over his chest wanting to go further down but refrained myself.

We continued to kiss and roll around the bed until he was on top of me and I told him no I wouldn’t have sex with him so he slid off and laid next to me and told me I was driving him wild and it was all he could do to  keep from making love to me. Believe me, I felt the same way but I just would not have sex with this man as it was to early in my book and I didn’t want to be labeled another fuck in his book.

We turned on the tv and started watching some movie as I cradled my head on his chest and fell into a blissful sleep. I hadn’t slept that good in so long and wow what a good sleep can do for you! I woke up to find him putting jam on a piece of toast and he moved my hair from my face with one hand and brought the toast to my lips with the other. I took a bite and threw the covers back as I had to pee as I always do in the morning.

He had a towel wrapped around his waist as he had taken a shower and let me continue to sleep. He was a very early riser which is common of businessmen I suppose but he was so kind not to wake me up as I had told him I have a hard time sleeping well. We ate breakfast and I jumped in the shower and came out to find my clothing had been washed and dried and laid out on the bed for me.

This man was so kind, so understanding and such a gentleman and that isn’t a common thing in this world. We made plans for today to head to Canada for a late lunch and I am going to show him some kool spots in Detroit and we will spend the day doing some site seeing and enjoying the day together. I am so enjoying his company and he has my full attention and it feels good to actually be spending time with a real man, a real person for a change.

I have let myself spend so much time online talking to men that I had forgotten what it really felt like to be with one and yes I am with a real man who I admire and really enjoy. I had someone ask me out online yesterday but had to say no because I already had these plans with Francisco. I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket and yes I will date other men as well as Francisco but I will not have sex with them and I will always be prepared to buy my own dinner if things go south with someone I am on a date with.

Life is good for a change, I am happy for a change and I am moving on and looking forward to tomorrow and what it may hold for me. No more waiting for someone who will never show himself, no more tears because he is fucking someone else, no more carrying about him or what or who he does. No more of him and that makes my life very happy and fulfilled for a change.

What They Want

A man looks for several things in a woman depending on his goal at that moment. Men like sex and cannot live without it but they do not look for sex when looking for a wife. When men are looking for a girlfriend they are looking for a good time type of girl. Someone that gives them sex and is entertaining but when looking for a wife, well that is a different story all together.

Men need their ego’s inflated but not with false inflation, no they want and need the truth but they also need someone who will push them to be there very best. Girlfriends generally do not look past the sex and free meals as well as gifts. A woman who wants to be a wife will look past all that crap and look into your very soul. She will want for you to be happy and content and to challenge yourself.

In today’s world women are still looking to get married and they are looking first in the purse so to speak. Women will have sex with several men at the same time as she dates several men looking for that marriage partner. Women in today’s world lack morals and ethics as do men and yes they will fuck one man in the morning and have dinner with another that evening.

If a woman doesn’t get a committment from a man within the first six months of the relationship you can bet your bottom dollar that you are not getting her all, in fact she is sharing her all with several other men and she will always make time for the man that she can get  the most from. There are so few women that will not jump into bed with a man on the first date or even the second and that type of woman is hard and rare to find.

If you find a woman who respects herself enough to  keep her pants on for the few days or longer than you have a keeper and you better snatch her up because those type of women are extremely rare in this day and age. Men actually tend to date only one women at a time when they get past the player stage of their lives but women, well women will use her body at every turn and she will fuck just about anybody that feeds her a free meal.

I realize I do not fall into the average woman category and maybe it’s because I was raised in a different time and place and maybe it’s because I do believe so strongly in God and I do have ethics and morals. It’s not that I am a frigid woman, o no by far I am not frigid but I respect myself enough to want to be more than someone’s convenient fuck and yes women know when they are just that.

Women will continue to see a guy if he is a good time and giving her things and yes she will fuck him to keep her pockets padded or to experience a lifestyle way above and beyond her own. This type of woman is waiting in vain for that ring on her finger and this type of woman lacks what a man wants in a permanent partner but she is so ignorant she doesn’t quite get it and thinks she is making progress when she is nothing but a cheap fuck.

Men will enjoy this type of woman until he tires of her and he will because she doesn’t offer him the things he wants most from a woman. These type of women are a good time and nothing more, not at all the type of woman a man wants to spend his life with. Women are basically shallow and they play so many games in hopes of roping in a man and dragging him down the aisle, but what really happens is he tires of her and he finally walks away for good in hopes of finding that one woman he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with and yes that is what a man is looking for, permanency.

Happy Happy

I have been so unhappy for so very long and I never really thought I would ever meet anyone anytime soon that would change that. Well, guess what? I was surprised by a very special guy that  treats me so good I just do not know how to act. This man invited me to his home in California but that didn’t sit to well with me as it would have been the second time we have spent time together.

I thought to myself, wow if I don’t go he will blow me off but if I do go I will hard pressed to have sex with him and that isn’t something I was willing to do so early in the dating game. It’s not that I do not love sex, no I absolutely adore sex and pleasing a man sexually but there has got to be more for me. To many women are ready to jump in bed with a man as if that is all they have to offer and a woman who will fuck a guy anytime he wants, well she is after something that is a given.

I felt bad telling him I just couldn’t go with him at this time and I told him it would be great to spend time with him but it has to be close to home right now until things possibly solidify between us. I told him that I do not sleep around or with men that are sleeping with other women and he told me he wasn’t, do I believe him? I do not know it’s just to early to tell but I am not comfortable having sex with him.

He has offered to get a hotel room for the weekend and we can hang out which is exactly what I was hoping would happen because it shows me he wants to be with me for me not just sex. I’m so excited I could pee myself because nothing this great has happened to me like ever so yes I am looking forward to this weekend. We have talked about going to Ohio for dinner and to Canada to do dim sum and out to Ann Arbor for the street fair.

He obviously plans on keeping me busy and occupied and that is exactly what I want, good food, laughter, sillyness and enjoying each other in a natural setting without the pressures of having to pretend to be someone we aren’t, which would never happen with me anyway. I really like this guy so much and he is making me forget about someone else that has been on my mind for years.

If you want to forget somebody the easiest way is to meet someone who you really are attracted to and someone you want to spend time with. I will never forget the other guy but I will no longer focus on him and let him make me feel like shit about myself. This new man of mine is always complimenting and the compliments are genuine and from the heart and that is what makes my world go around.

To Go?

I’ve been invited to California for the weekend by this new guy I have started to see. I really would love to go just to spend time with him but if I go I will be in a situation that will require me to compromise myself. I do not think two people should have sex unless they are monogamous because there are so many diseases out there that you can so easily catch and besides a woman who jumps into bed with a guy has no morals as far as I am concerned.

I mean really, men want sex but if she is willing to give it to him unconditionally then that says volumes about her as a person. I have told him if I go I will not have sex with him and he has agreed but I know men only to well. I would hate to place myself in a situation that would make me feel terrible and ruin the beginnings of something possibly quite wonderful. I can understand him asking me to his home as his kids are grown and gone and mine are not.

I wouldn’t ask him to my home at this point anyway because I do not believe in bringing someone home to my kids unless I have seen them for quite a while just one on one. You should never involve your kids in a relationship that isn’t solid and has promise of being together for life or so you think you might want to commit to that person. Children are delicate and when you bring someone else into the mix you are playing with emotions that are still developing and you make your children feel like they are in the way.

My daughter tells me she wants me to meet someone but let’s be serious here, she doesn’t want him to involve himself into our lives and our time together. I seriously frown upon bringing anyone home to your kids if they are nothing but a lay and a good time because it seriously affects our kids and I know that only to well. I have seen this shit over and over and I have seen what happens to the children during and after the relationship ends.

Our children must always come first until they are on their own and we must respect them because they are not stupid, they are not without emotions and they surely are not without jealousy and feeling like they are the third wheel. Thinking about my children first, I will do nothing that will cause them anymore harm than they have already experienced in the past.

So here I sit wondering should I go or should I stay or should I propose he come here for the weekend and stay in a hotel? I think that would be rude because I cannot afford a hotel for him to stay at and when you invite someone somewhere you should foot the bill, just saying. I so adore this man and had such an absolute wonderful time with him and his touch, oooo his touch was electrifying and his kisses sweeter than honey.

The way he touched me was so damn sexy and erotic and I have to admit my panties were soaked when I finally walked in my front door. I wanted this man so bad and my body tried to control my thoughts and movements but I refused to let them. I so wanted to run my hand over is cock through his pants and I really wanted to go down on him but didn’t allow myself such a delicacy so early in the game.

I must say I had seriously sinful thoughts of ripping of his clothes and mounting him as my nipples grazed his chest and I fantasized about kissing his chest down to the tip of his cock and slowly licking the head until he squirmed with pleasure. It’s so hard for me to control my  sexual desires but I will not ever appear to be cheap and easy for any man, I don’t care how much money he has or what he could give me because I do not care about that shit and never will.

The Greatest Pleasure

The greatest pleasure to me is when someone gives me their time and that is what I finally have in my life, a man who gives me of himself. I have spent literally hours on skype talking to this special man and the more I talk to him the more I am drawn to him. He is hard to describe other than he is pretty damn special to me, anyway. He has taken the time to  meet me, skype me and talk to me on the phone.

Most people you meet online are full of shit, fakes or scammers and he is none of these, nope he’s the real mccoy-a man’s man, a gentleman and someone I have learned to really like. Im in no hurry to jump into bed with him because that isn’t me but don’t think I haven’t thought about it long and hard, no pun intended. He kissed me yesterday and made my toes curl so that alone tells me there is something there.

It’s not his money or power that attracts me, it’s him just being himself and being funny and kind. We have met only once but there was a connection that I thought I would never feel with another man but I have. God lets us be alone for reasons only he knows but he also brings someone special into our lives when we need it the most. I  have been alone for so long but it looks like that has finally come to an end.

I will play this by ear and take it day by day and see where it goes but it looks like it is going to head down the yellow brick road soon enough. I am no longer someone’s second best, someone’s part time fun or someone’s toy and that feels good. I can finally leave the person that has been on my mind for years, yes I can finally leave him to his own devices and he will no longer hurt me.

I allowed myself to get emotionally wrapped up in someone online I have never met nor will I but those days are behind me because I am happy. When I am happy I bake cookies and shit as you know and I laugh and sleep well for a change. I so enjoyed waking up with my new man on my mind instead of the other one and I go through the day feeling happy and excited about the next time we will be together.

To Just Know

Have you ever met someone who you just clicked, something just meshed??? Well, I have waited for years to meet that person and I have met someone who appears to have lived a similar life of mine as far as loss. I have wanted to meet someone intelligent and funny first and foremost and I just wanted to meet a regular guy, no one rich, no one famous, just a regular guy.

I’ve been chatting with him for the last several weeks but really never thought anything would come of it but he finally pushed me into accepting a lunch date with him today. I met him at the gas station up the street because I didn’t want him to see my home or know where I live. He rented a car from metro services and it came equipped with a driver which is standard as my neighbor uses the same company.

He asked me yesterday if I liked fresh maine lobster and I told him that I like lobster but never had fresh Maine lobster so I assumed we were going to have seafood at a local restaurant. To my surprise as soon as he picked me up he asked me if I could spare several hours and I said yes not being aware that we would actually be going to Maine for lunch. I mean who does that? Who in the hell just flys off to lunch in another  state?? 

He is 6’2″ handsome as all get up and such a gentleman but most importantly he is funny as hell and super sexy. I was quite shocked when we entered the private plane section of the airport because I don’t meet many people who own their own planes and this is the second time this has happened. What was really funny is he asked me if I minded if he jumped in the shower as he had been in meetings all day.

Who in the fuck has a shower on their plane??? This was the craziest date that I have ever been on and as he showered I kicked back and watched some boring tv. He came out fully dressed to the nines and smelling so good I just could have eaten him up. We sat and talked about our families and he has lost his entire family as well but in a more tragic way. His family was meeting in Tahiti on Christmas and the  plane crashed killing his entire family including his younger brothers and sisters.

We were able to talk about our losses and we both feel the same losses which was a mutual connection for us and he told me about his job or should I say career and other things and we laughed. Yes, we laughed and laughed and it was so easy, so comfortable, so natural as if I have known him forever. He wasn’t putting on any airs and was just being himself which was the koolist thing.

I asked him why we couldn’t have lunch locally and he told me he wanted to impress me and that blew my mind because I never expected him to be that secure and honest. I told him I really appreciated his efforts but he didn’t need to impress me to get my attention and I would prefer he just be his usual self. As we ate a wonderful lunch the conversation was so exciting and interesting and he kept my attention every second.

We walked hand in hand and laughed and got silly which was so awesome and then we went back to the plane where he asked if I minded if he changed. I told him only if he was going to put on some shorts and a t-shirt so he could be comfortable. He went and changed and sure enough he came back out with shorts and a t-shirt which made me laugh and laugh.

He apologized that I didn’t have clothes to change in and I told him I didn’t mind that I was fine. We sat next to each other talking and out of nowhere he put his hand on my cheek and turned my face to his and kissed me. I felt that kiss all the way to my toes and it felt so good and so right for a change. We made out like what seemed to be forever and he asked me to go to bed with him.

I looked him in the eyes and told him that I couldn’t do that because that wasn’t me and he said that was fine, which surprised me. This guy can have any woman he wants and he could get laid every day without any problems but he respected me and I like that alot. We had such a great time and he wants to go out again, maybe on Thursday or Friday and so I shall see.

I know this is the man that I want to be sexual with, this is the man that I want to touch me, this is the man that I want to laugh with but is this the man that I want for a very long time? Who knows, it’s to soon for me to make that call but one thing I do know is I have made a wonderful friend and I do enjoy is company and he is just a real down to earth guy that has treated me very well.

I have put my life on hold waiting for someone else to step up to the plate and he hasn’t and I doubt he ever will and meeting someone new has finally turned my attention to someone that appreciates me for a change. You can never force someone to meet you, be with you and if they don’t make the effort, well it’s time to move on and look elsewhere, which I have and I thank God I have met this man.


When we have suffered a heartbreak

We must heal ourselves and move on again

We must be brave

And open our hearts

So we can love and

Save that one

That rules our mind

All the time

We must be brave

And reach out to them

Before they disappear

Into the arms of another

We must be brave

To love again

We must open up

And let them in

If we don’t they

Will walk off into 

The night

With their arms

Around another tonight

Let us  be brave

And step forward

Grab their hand

And steal them onward

If we are not brave

We will lose that

 Very one that 

truly does care

So be brave

To Be Intimidated

Women have forever been intimidated by men because of the violence factor that a man has the ability of displaying against  the woman. Men have the ability to “mold” a woman by the threat of violence and then there is the “beauty” factor. The “beauty” factor is when someone’s physical appearance draws the attention of many other women and the woman feels intimidated because she fears losing her man to another prettier female.

A man who is normally quite confident may feel nervous around an attractive  woman with whom he desires a relationship. Whenever it is important to make a good impression it will cause anxiety and nervousness. A good example is when a man who has communicated online with a woman for whom he has developed strong feelings, he will be nervous meeting her because he doesn’t want to “blow it” and lose the good thing that has developed by doing or saying something to offend her.

The difference between the sexes is a woman will take the chance on a man while a man will feel to intimidated to take the first step and in the end he loses the very woman he wants to be with the most. A woman will give a man a chance to “catch” her if the attraction is there and a woman will and does admire a man who is willing to put his ego on the line to meet her.

Women will play the cat and mouse game for only so long until she either gets bored with the game, it is destroying her emotionally or she has met someone else. Women and men alike will never continue playing a game if it serves no purpose in their lives. Women feel as if they are being toyed with when the fact of the matter is the man fears being rejected especially if he knows he cannot impress a woman with worldly things.

Men tend to rely heavily on what they can give or produce for a woman and when he finds that one woman who doesnt want his materialism then he is stymied as what to do next or how to make a good impression. Most people will take what they can get from another and not think twice but when you come across that one person that wants nothing from you, well how do you handle that situation?

I’ve got a secret for you, it’s not what you can give someone materially that attracts that person to you, it’s what  you give of yourself that means everything. When you give of yourself then you are giving something quite rare and unique and that is what a woman really wants, that’s if she cares for you and about you. Men have been programmed for years that women want “something” from them.

May it be flowers, gifts, candy or whatever men are taught that all women want something material from them. Men fear that the woman will reject him if he shows her himself, the real self because he doesn’t feel he is “good” enough for her and she will walk, leaving him holding his dick in his hand and feeling like a fool. The man who is to insecure and intimidated by that one woman will always feel like he has lost someone wonderful because of his own insecurities.

Women will walk away when they feel they are accomplishing nothing with that one man who holds their attention and they will look elsewhere for the intimacy they need. Intimacy is what women really want and when she gets that from a man then she feels accomplished and quite happy. You may lead a woman on for years but then the dam will burst and she will be washed away by someone else and yes she will walk and when she begins to have feelings for someone else, well then the man standing there will be left in the lurch and it will take quite a bit of work on his part to get her back.

It Dies

Over the years I have somehow found myself building all these feelings for someone I will never meet and yes I know it sounds crazy but it has happened. I woke up this morning and as I thought of him with her I had to run to the bathroom and throw up. I have gotten so upset over this that I am crying all the time and actually sick to my stomach and the depression has fallen upon me once again.

I have fought depression for years and I have had a good handle on it until recently because when I fall for someone I fall hard, smashing my face against the ground. Somehow I have fallen for someone who is never going to be obtainable and it’s literally killing me. I am so severely depressed and cannot pull myself up which is effecting my family as well as myself. I continue to question what is wrong with me and when I look in the mirror I absolutely hate the person I see.

I’ve had this dream for years of meeting him, holding his hand, kissing him and making love to him and I have finally come to the realization that this will never happen and I must accept it. As I sit here the tears stream down my face as I must let go of the dream, I must let the dream float away like a helium filled balloon floating away in the air. I do not know how I got into this state but I haven’t felt anything this painful since I was thirteen when my first boyfriend and I broke up.

I do not know if I am in love with this person or what it is, all I know is it is destroying me and I can no longer let this continue to happen. I care about nothing and have no desire to do a damn thing other than climb into bed and hide under the covers, as if they could protect my heart. I am a fool, an old fool to let myself care so much but the truth is I am constantly getting information from somewhere about his life. I never thought I would feel this way again but I was so wrong as the feeling consumes me.

I worry about him all the time and his son is always on my mind because I get feelings and visions of what is yet to come and I hate it. Some people say being psychic is a gift but for me it is a personal hell that drags me down. I’m not always right but most of the time I am spot on and I try to help people but so many think Im crazy and totally out in left field. At this point all I can do is forget him and hope I live to see another day.

If he cared at all he would leave me alone completely or he would meet me and I now have finally excepted that, that will never happen. I know it’s so stupid to let someone mean so much to you  but I am on a serious spiral downward and cannot stop my descent as I seem to pick up speed every day and I hate my life so much.

Some people dream of meeting someone famous and some dream to win the lottery but all I have dreamed of is meeting him and showing him how much I truly care about him. The tears have washed away my illusions and I am walking away so I can save myself. I have been so damn stupid but I can no longer  let  my emotions rule my world and I do not wish him harm I just wish him to be gone from my life so I can open my heart to someone who will love me.