All Shook Up

Have you ever been so shook up that you actually got sick to your stomach? When I get really upset my nerves go so haywire that I actually get sick to my stomach. The last time I was that upset was the day my husband died and I didn’t think I would ever feel that ill again. Well, I was wrong as I have started the same thing again because someone I have come to care deeply about is fucking some barmaid.

Every time I see that he goes to pick her up in his private jet I actually get sick to my stomach and I have done nothing but cry for the past several days and it just starts out of no where and I cannot live like this. My kids keep asking me what is wrong and I have to keep coming up with lame excuses that they aren’t buying and they are worried about me. I cannot keep living like this because it’s tearing me apart and I have got to stop these feelings I have from controlling me.


He doesn’t give a shit about me and never will so I have got to do everything I can to save myself from such heartbreak. You may ask how could I be so crazy about someone I have never met and all I can tell you is I feel a connection with this man and have no idea why. I cannot understand how someone can constantly read what someone else writes, over and over and keep looking at their pictures and then go fuck another person.

He’s going nowhere with this woman and she is nothing but a fuck for him and if he does that to her he would do the same to me. I do not believe he would ever be faithful if we were to get together and I have to remind myself that he isn’t worth my time. Regardless of my personal reminders he has such an effect on me and I have got to stop thinking about ever being with him and I just want to rip my heart out and throw it away.



I seemed to have forgotten that anyone can have a mental illness and yes depression falls in that category. For some reason when I thought of a billionaire, I thought of someone who had it totally together and was a great leader. I started thinking about the first time I heard the word billionaire and it was attached to Howard Hughes, this man had visions beyond his time and yes he was quite wealthy.

When I look at his life I see a very lonely wealthy man who ended up going quite mad before he died as he locked himself into one room of his mansion. He cut himself off from the world and the people in it and yes he suffered from a mental illness. I now someone who is basically walking in Howard’s footsteps and for some reason I assumed his wealth and talent kept him as sane as most people.

Then I realized, he wasn’t like the rest of the world and he suffers from a mental illness as well. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or how much fame because mental illness isn’t picky or selective as anyone can suffer from a form of it at any given day or time. I was so foolish to believe that he had it together because of his money and fame but then I woke up and realized he is suffering like anyone else with a mental illness.

It is quite possible to heal oneself mentally and with help you can live a very productive life as I am. My life is boring as hell but I am functioning better than most people I see in this world. If my illness keeps you at an arm’s length then you are nothing more than a hypocrite because most people have suffered from a form of depression at one time or another. There are so many types of mental illness and stalking someone is also considered a mental illness.

So you see, anyone can suffer from this type of illness and I must remember that because I have been dealing with someone who is ill. I have placed this person on a pedestal for reasons not even I know but I do know it’s nothing to do  with his money or talent. When you are lonely it’s easy to fall into a pattern healthy or not and that is what I have done as I have let this person rule my emotions and my life in so many ways which is so wrong.

I have been in a self confined prison emotionally and I have let myself feel for this person even though we have never met. I have felt he was the only one there when I lost a family member year after year and then lost my husband. I felt a connection with this man who is hard to describe and I have lost myself within him which is a waste of time as he doesn’t love me or ever will as I do not fit into his perfect world as I am not perfect and never will be.


Why do you pretend to be other people? Why do you read everything I write? Why do you look at my pictures? You must realize how much this hurts me as you refuse to talk or meet me so why are you doing this to me? Why won’t you meet me? Why won’t you talk to me? Why won’t you treat me like a real person??? Please tell me these things because you are hurting me every single day and I do not sleep well because of it.

I am asking you as one human being to another to please answer me and quit playing these games as you are destroying me, yes you are doing serious damage to me and I do not deserve this. I am hurting so bad and if you care about me one single bit then please leave my life, please let me find happiness, please let me live again. I died years ago and I am trying to rebuild myself but you are keeping me from doing just that.

Please quit being so selfish and self absorbed and leave me, please just go so I can move on as you are keeping me from moving on and living, please stop. Please understand I need to feel love again, be loved again and I do not and I am feeling terrible about myself because of your rejection. Yes you have that affect on me and I am so sad and depressed I could cry and do.

If you stay out of my life I can forget about you and focus on meeting someone who will make me complete and happy again. Do you not want to see me happy? Do you want me to be alone the rest of my life or until you meet someone that makes your world happy and completes you? Do you think this is right? fair? please, please, please, stop these games and please do not have any contact with me so I can forget you, I ask you please or do you enjoy knowing you make me cry every single day on and off all day?

FYI- Shamel will not tell you what is really going on with him because he no longer trusts you, when you brought your barmaid cunt into his life is when he lost his trust in you. You are a damn fool and think he will confide all to you but you are so damn wrong. You hurt your son more than you will ever know and he has lost so much respect for you because of your stupid actions, I do not know if he will ever trust in you again and if he does it will not be for another ten years at the minimum, proud of yourself now????? You fucking idiot what have you done, you do not even realize how you have hurt him as well as yourself and as far as me, well I cannot take this treatment any longer because it’s killing me and for Shamel, my hat is off to that boy as he is hiding his pain so well you would think life is wonderful for him and as for me well you are ripping out my heart piece by piece which is effecting my children as they do not understand why I am crying all the damn time, but then again you only care about yourself.

I hate what you have done to Shamel, unlike you I feel his pain as if it were my own you stupid fuck, I could slap you across the face for what you have done. I do not know your son but I feel every heartache and every tear that runs down that boys cheeks and yes he does cry by himself away from everyone else. He feels abandoned and he also feels as if he is in the way of you starting a new life with your cunt. He feels, well fuck it you probably dont believe me anyway, but I do know my heart aches for him and all I want to do is hug him and assure him that you will one day heal your own aching heart and will be able to love again which in turn will let you be the person you once were at least in his eyes, damn you fucking asshole you have heart that boy  so badly and beyond words and spending more time with him only places a bandaid over his hurt. Hope your cunt was worth what you have lost but no doubt she was in your selfish ass eyes, what a fucking idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cry Of The Lion

Do you not know how easily the heart can be broken? Do you not know that healing takes so very much time? Do you not know that it is hard to love again? Do you not know it is a huge step to even care for someone again? Do you not know that playing games with someone’s feelings could easily destroy the recover they have spent time on obtaining once again? Do you not know these things especially since you have been there at one time yourself?

People do not realize how there words and games can hurt someone else, people do not realize that one little tiny push in the wrong direction can obliviate all the growth someone has experienced? People do not hear the cry of the lion nor do they see the torn flesh of the gazelle all they see is to wild animals attempting to survive in an unforgiving world, a selfish world.

When others are unsure of themselves and their feelings is when they begin to dance a dance of games and indecisiveness and this is when they hurt someone else. Climbing from the cesspool of lifes bullshit is not so easily done and doing it alone is even harder. When we place our trust and faith into someone we give them the power to crush our inner soul, to destroy the person we have become and the person we one day hope to be.

When you trifle with someone’s emotions you have no idea what you  are doing to that person as they go through the day wondering and their nights are sleepless or at the very least restless. You have no idea how you are affecting their life or how you may be altering their state of consciousness. You have no idea the damage you can do and the power you may have until it is too late because not everyone can recover unscathed or unharmed.

Your actions can hurt someone without you even knowing it and yes you are quite aware what you are doing but not the depth of pain you may cause another. Emotions are delicate, paper thin and cannot be seen but emotions can destroy a living soul if they are handled the wrong way. Some people are very easily hurt and others it takes quite a bit to touch them but it’s the ones that are easily hurt that we must watch out for because those are the people who have fought some serious battles and came out clean.

Those are the people who make the world a better place or at least they try to and those are the people who so many think  are the weak ones when in fact the weakest of the link are those that think they are all, the leaders and shakers of the world. The weakest link is not the crushed person, it’s the person doing the crushing as they seriously do not know what they do which in turn comes back on them in the end.

Feel It Be It

I may not be the prettiest girl in the room but I seem to always be the sexiest because I feel sexy. Being sexy is how you feel about yourself inside and what you show the world, sexy is as sexy does and everyone may not be sexy but can at least feel it inside. I do not care that I am a bbw because my appearance is not what sexy is, sexy is that undeniable feeling you have and even if you are not looking sexy to others you can always be sexy to yourself.

I’m trying very hard to lose weight and yes it is an uphill battle but the lbs. are dropping slowly and when I look at my pictures I do not feel sexy one bit. I get so many compliments but do not believe them as men love to see a woman’s body regardless of the size or shape. Yes, men do prefer a thinner woman but they still can see the sexy in a bbw as well and surprisingly to me I have had quite a few men hit on me.

I care for someone who doesn’t care for me and that person makes me feel like shit about myself and I get depressed knowing he is fucking another woman and that woman will never end up being me. He is the type that must impress others and if the woman on his arm isnt attractive and thin, well then she isn’t on his arm no matter what a good person she may be. I have axed him from my skype as well as my yahoo because I do not want to know anything about his life any longer.


He looks at my pics and reads my posts and then flys off to Canada to pick up a woman who would fuck him in front of the world because she wants what he has to offer. He lives in a material world and cannot see being happy any other way so I can no longer let him hurt me as he does. He may think he isn’t hurting anyone but he is hurting her as well as myself but it’s time to shit or get off the pot so to speak.

I have no doubt he will want to meet me when I lose these extra pounds but it will be too late by then because I will still be the same person with a different figure. If you do not love me now you will never love me and I have accepted he will never love me or be with me. He plays games like a child and is very immature and he stalks me like some creeper and if his current lay knew that she wouldn’t want anything to do with him and that is the place I am working on, not wanting anything to do with him any longer.


An asshole you are back fucking your barmaid and I have no doubt she would fuck you anytime, anywhere, any place because shes a fucking loser barmaid that will be nothing more than a cheap fucking whore. You like fucking that pussy that has been fucked before you got there? You like those sloppy seconds do you???? You are such an asshole and you are so damn immature its unbelievable and you wonder why Irina fucked another guy and then left your ass?

O ya Irina was boning her bf long before she filed for divorce you asshole and its really sad that you have to look at my pics and then go to canada to fuck your cunt because you arent man enough to get the real thing from the real person. You live in a fantasy because you are no man and all you do is play fucking games hacking my computer and pretending to b other people, when are you going to grow up and realize you are hurting me so bad??? Havent I suffered enought? why do you enjoy hurting me so much??? Im not Irina I didnt do anything to you and I didnt seek you out I have deleted you from my yahoo and my skype because I do not want to know anything about your life or who you fuck. What do I have to do?? Contact Irina and let her know what a nut job you are?????

To Realize

There are times when the worse pain we feel is in our hearts and we feel like we will never get over the immense pain. Today, I watched as the men carried away the bags of clothes, boxes of unwanted household items, old computer equipment and unwanted furniture. The very last piece they took was the armoire my husband and I had shared and it was the last piece of our bedroom set that hadn’t sold.

I thought I would never feel loss again but I have lied to myself as they walked out the door with it and the memories flooded my mind and heart. There is very little left of my husband here and my bedroom is almost barren of once what was of us. My bed is now a mattress on a steel frame and the sauna is in our room and I have realized that our bedroom will always be just that, ours.

I can never  bring another man into that room and I can never make love in that room ever again and even random sex will never happen either. When we lose our spouse the pain is so damn sharp but after time it mellows with age but I have realized I will never forget my husband and I no longer am going to try. He was a pivotal part of my life and always will be as I look at my children and see bits and pieces of him in them.

I have a sadness that has settled in my heart and will pass eventually but I have realized something that never occurred to me until last night when I was chatting with someone. I realized that I thought I had been looking for a relationship but the truth is you can never “look” for a relationship because they just happen. I have realized I just want to enjoy life and have fun and if a relationship happens, well that would be great.

My new online friend made me realize that life is for the living and never look for a relationship, no just enjoy the people that come into your life until they leave. You cannot find a relationship, no you just enjoy the person you spend time with and if something develops then there you have it. So, today I realized I need to enjoy what I have and the people I have in my life and as I go through life, someone, someday will be a friend and then a lover and then and only then will there be a relationship.

Wrong With Me

I wonder what could me wrong

With me

That only he can see

I care for him and 

Not his net worth

But he still refuses

To start with a rebirth

He follows me like a

Puppy dog

Expecting me to sit

On a log

He takes one step

Forward and two

Steps back

What is it he could

Could lack?

Is it the fear of rejection?

Is it the fear of not feeling good enough?

Or is it me that scares him off

Yes, I am strong

And yes I am also weak

But for some  reason

He acts so meek

I want to wrap 

Him in my arms

And seduce him

With my charms

But he stays distant

And it seems

He always will

Because he fears

Little ole me

She Is

She is the woman you think is so strong because she has held up under extreme pressures and losses. She is the woman you fear because you think she is together and can handle lifes adversities better than you can. She is the woman that puts on the best damn front you have ever seen but yet she is the woman that has her own insecurities.


She is the woman who will be honest with you and tell you the truth even when you do not want to hear it because she cares. If she didn’t care she would pacify you with the words you want to hear. She is the woman with her own set of problems that she prefers to deal with by herself as she has learned not to trust others as they never follow through and leave her feeling like she is sinking.

She is the woman who has the kind of love found only in the movies, she is the woman who is sexy because she knows that feeling is exciting to herself as well  as to others. She is the woman who makes a man melt, she makes a man feel like a man and feel like he is on top of the world. She is the woman who can and will give you the happiness you so deserve and want.

This type of woman isn’t easily found and is easily lost when treated poorly because she knows what she has to offer is special and unique. She is the woman you will forever dream about but fear to be next to as she may not fulfill your fantasies or so you may think. She is the woman who knows the value of love and how to love someone with all of her heart.


She is the woman you want, you dream about, you fantasize about but you fear because you think you will never live up to her expectations. She is the woman that is waiting for you to step up to the plate and show yourself and she is the woman that will forever be in your mind no matter who you are with and yes she is the woman that will be in your fantasies while you attempt to have sex with someone else, yes she will always be there because she knows the type of man she wants and you just may be him if you would take a chance on yourself as well as her.


Never thought I was a very attractive female and always thought that men prefer skinny women but I am finding that not to be true at all. I joined a site that is interesting and fun and I have met a lot of really nice people who find me very attractive. Yes, I am aware that men love naked pics but I have gotten so many compliments on my smile that I am blown away.

I’ve had some very delicious offers but sometimes when things are too good to be true they are so I don’t bite. People also like to play games and I play along but do not hang my hat on any of them. I had my first paid phone sex appointment today which was actually very exciting for me as well as him and he was quite satisfied.

He said he loved my voice and that he was so turned on by me that he was going to call again, lol. It wasn’t much money but it was fun and the experience will serve me well in the future. I have got to do something to bring in some cash as things are tight right now and I school books to purchase for college and the gas will take a toll on me as well.

I do not find anything wrong with phone sex and I am home with the kids which is what they need. Some may call me cheap, a whore or other names but that doesnt phase me as I do not care what others think as they have not walked in my shoes. Taking care of my family is my top priority and I will keep us afloat one way or the other.