To Feel

Did you ever feel something for someone and it felt good? It felt right and fun but you knew deep within yourself that it wouldn’t last? Did you ever just enjoy your time with someone knowing that it was nothing more than temporary? I am experiencing just those feelings at this time with someone I really enjoy being with but I know it will only be for a short time because that is the way life works.

When you  date someone going through a divorce and you are the first person they have dated you know or you should know that you will not be there last and are only their first. You are the first one they wet their feet with, you are the first one in their life after their x and you know that they are searching for that perfect fit and that first one is never their last.

Miguel and I have been enjoying each other’s company and it has been difficult as his son had major surgery. He is back at home again watching over his child and I admire that in him. I know that I am his first after the filing of the divorce and I know I will not be his last as life just doesn’t work that way. He has gotten his feet wet but he needs to learn to swim upstream again.

I know there are things he isn’t telling me and I have a feeling him and his wife are learning to live together once again. Maybe they are slowly rebuilding the trust and I already know from my own experience that the love is already there even though it may have gotten lost it is still there. We talk every day but haven’t seen each other much since his son got sick and I’m ok with that as his children are and should be more important than I am.

We were able to steal several hours away today and then his wife called and he told me he was needed at home. We drove home in silence, the air thick with unasked questions and I stared out the window wondering why this always happens to me. Why do I end up with men that are liars or are confused and do not know what they really want out of life? Why do I end up with men that say they love me and then poof they are gone?

Miguel is the type of man I want to spend my life with and I can feel myself slowly falling for him and I know I will be let down again. I know in my heart that I will be crushed as easily as the flightless baby bird on the driveway and I know I will get hurt beyond any pain I have ever felt before so I cannot let myself fall, no I just have to enjoy the moment and be prepared for the last moment.

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The Millers

We went to see the movie The Millers and I have to say it was funny, damn funny from the “Boner Garage” to the “baby” being thrown into traffic and ran over. The movie is about a mix matched “family” that brings back drugs from Mexico. Jennifer Aniston is bland at best in my opinion but she does wear some lovely lingerie as she is supposed to be a stripper.

She is very pretty and has a great body but as far as sexy, nope nodda she just doesn’t have it and she isn’t sexy at all. Thank goodness for  good filming and cutting or she would be an embarrassment for all to see. The movie keeps you laughing and keeps you entertained for sure but Jennifer was a huge let down. Now if you saw Demi Moore in Strip tease then you saw a sexy woman.

Demi oozes with sex appeal and she is a sexy woman who shows you what sexy is. You cannot teach sexy to anyone you either have it or you don’t and that is just the way it is. The movie kept me laughing and I stayed awake which I usually don’t because so many movies end up boring me but the last two I have seen have kept my attention and interest.

I don’t want to say anymore about the Millers because you have to see if you like a good comedy and I don’t want to ruin it for you. I like comedies and suspense because it makes you laugh and think just like the Thomas Crown Affair which is my favorite movie because you have to really pay attention as the movie has so many twists and turns in it.

She Won’t Stop

When I set my mind to something I generally get it or accomplish it because I focus on that thing and work damn hard to obtain it. I have lost almost 15 pounds which is huge for me because for me losing weight is so damn hard. I walk an hour in the morning and the evening and every week I see 1-2 lb. loss which makes me feel encouraged to continue. I want to lose quite a bit more weight and so I walk seven days a week.

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The neighbors have started riding their bikes and Krissy across the street rides with her kids and told me that I inspired her which is the best compliment anyone could give me. I like to inspire people and I like the way I feel when I finish my walks. I walk into the house sweaty and tired but I feel so accomplished and I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.

I still eat ice cream once a week and I really splurged today and had two very small slices of pizza. My problem is I look at food and gain weight and I don’t bother eating chocolate cake anymore, instead I just rub it on my ass and thighs because that’s where it goes anyway. I don’t drink soda but on a rare occasion and I eat tons of veggies and fruits, chicken and fish.

I drink a ton of water and put it in the freezer so it gets slushy and then I can drink more of it. I have completely changed my diet and adding the walking has been the key to dropping these pounds. I haven’t tried on any jeans lately but I already have lost one and one half sizes which I cannot see when I look in the mirror but in time I will see the difference.

My boobs have gotten smaller for sure and that’s fine with me because carrying these melons is a bit much and they are still very large, lol. The good thing is I have a routine that I do not deviate from and I am so proud of myself for not stopping or cutting corners. My pedometer is a damn liar as I thought I was walking six miles a day when in fact I am only walking four but that is enough to burn off some of this blubber weekly.

At this rate in 2 1/2 months I will have lost 35 lbs. which is about 1/2 of what I want to lose and when it gets cold I will drop Ryan off at school and go work out and start lifting weights so I can get back some serious arms like I used to have. I have to be so careful because my rotor cuff got torn and I refused to have surgery and have been letting it heal naturally.

I will be one awesome lady when I reach my goal weight and I keep feeling better every day and do not mind the walks to much except when it gets so hot like it is this week. I am doing this for me, yep just for myself and my Dr. is very happy with the results from my blood work. I used to have high levels of bad stuff but those levels have gotten so much better since the diet change and the exercise.

I have come along way in two years and I am mentally and physically doing so much better and I am laughing again. I didn’t laugh for a very long time and I lost the beauty of life in all the difficulties I had been experiencing but life is beautiful once again and I am so thankful. I think the biggest think that has helped me is my writing as I am able to release so many emotions and thoughts that have weighed me down.

He Comes To Me

I have this boy that comes to me in my dreams and it is so weird as he tells me what is bothering or upsetting him. I know this sounds so whacked but it is the truth. This boy is about 13-14 yrs. old and he has a small frame, he is cute and so damn smart and talented. He has had a tough time with the issues between his parents and he has felt as if he was cast aside when he actually hasn’t been.

Kids feel so much that we as parents have no idea about and this boy is finally coming out of a very insecure stage in his life. He is trying to adjust to the changes that come with age and he has had a difficult time expressing his emotions. He has felt as if he would never be good enough and he has felt that he has been compared to his father by so many and he has felt that he must walk in his father’s shoes.

This boy is so much like his father but he is so different in his own right as well. The next 24 months will bring major change to this child and he will find his own nitch which makes me so happy. I have felt this boys pain and loss and I have felt his inferiority as well which is painful for me as I feel his pain and all of the emotions he has been experiencing. This boy has something quite special about him but I do not know what it is I can only feel it.

I’m so happy that things will lighten up for him and have and he is feeling closer to his dad these days which is so very important. His mother has been a primary influence on him and he has wanted his parents to work things out but he is finally excepting that this will not happen and it pains him but he is finally ok with it, not happy with it but ok with it. His eyes tell a story that very few can read and his heart is so big and this boy is so full of love that he touches everyone near him.

His laughter is infectious and his smile melts the coldest of hearts yes this boy will shine in his own shadow and people will want to be near him always as he has a gift that others will envy. This boy makes me smile finally and my heart no longer aches for him as it once did because he was so troubled not to long ago.

Never Nope Never

When you love someone or think that you love them you never forget that person no matter what. You can date other people but that one person well that one person stays with you no matter what. You think of that person even if someone else has your interest at the time and you cannot stop thinking no matter what, you never forget about them nope you never do.

That person may not know that they have been the object of your affection or maybe they do but they do not know that they hold a place in your heart and always will. They have no way of knowing that they are special to you and they have no way of knowing that they are the dream that you continue to dream about, the person that they want to be with no matter who they are with at that time.

That very special person has no way of knowing that if they walked into your life that you would drop everything and everybody else. To let someone know your true feelings is so very hard to do and opening up to that person is so damn risky for fear of getting rejected. That one special person is always with you even when you do not want their presence, they are just always there and you never forget them, nope and you never ever will forget them because they belong in your life.

The Heart

When you think of someone all the time and wish you were with them, what is that called? What is it called when you want to do all the little things for them like make their favorite foods, rub their feet, give them a back massage, want to listen to them talk about their day? What is it called when you find yourself smiling for no reason at all as you look out your kitchen window?

This is how I feel about Miguel and I do not know what to call what I feel, I do not know how to really describe how I feel about him other than he makes me feel giddy and I can’t sleep because I am thinking about him. He makes me feel something I haven’t ever felt and I do not know what to call it as it is indescribable and I have no words for it other than he makes me feel so special, like I finally matter to someone.

Jobs-The Movie

I went to see the movie Jobs and was duly impressed with Ashton Kuscher’s impersonation of Jobs. The movie starts from the beginning of Jobs interest or lack of interest in higher education and how he goes from a shoe less college student to a business owner working out of a garage with a good friend. The movie progresses into Jobs refusing to be a father to his child and how he is obsessed with technology.

Ashton’s body language changes as Jobs becomes older, he walks bent over and he has a certain way of speaking which is quite unique to Jobs. Jobs is driven by perfection, by morals and standards that go against the industry as a whole. He eventually loses his company but in the end regains it as Apple plummets on the stock market even though a real great marketer is hired.

Ashton does an awesome portrayal of Jobs and the movie did make me laugh at times but I found the movie to be inspiring and promotes dreaming and following those dreams. The sad part about the movie is Jobs gets so involved in the technology he loses sight of the importance of his friends and he finally discovers life isn’t all that being alone and being a genius.

Ideas

My brain seems to never shut down and I am so sick of reading and hearing about kids getting killed because of their texting and driving or talking on the phone and driving. I have been thinking of a way to stop this from happening and I was thinking about making the inside of a car a dead zone. I was talking to my son about it and he thinks I should build an app that connects to google maps and then it makes the phone go into airplane mode.

I dont know about apps as I do not see much income coming from that but then again who knows. If I built a chip that goes into cellphones I think that would be the better route but then I do not have disposable income to make it happen. I can’t trust anyone these days and an investor would no doubt screw me in the end so I will continue to look at all possibilities.

I already know it would be an awesome seller because parents are always worried about their kids using phones, texting and driving. Adults are no better  as so many accidents occur because of phone use. Laws are being passed in every state to stop using phones while driving so I see this to be a huge seller and I mean huge. I do not think making an app is the way to go, no I see a simms card being altered which would be so perfect.

I just have to sit back and look at this from all angles because I know others are trying to come up with ways to stop the cellphone/auto thing. I am sure someone is developing something as we speak but I have no idea if they have thought along the lines my son and I have thought about. All I need is a great design team, a hole lot of money, great marketing and I am on my way, ya I know Im dreaming but the world has been changed by the dreamers.

Bad Feeling

Miguel and the boys went to put in bay and I told him I had a real bad feeling about going and please not to go. He said they would be fine and not to worry, ya right me not worry when I get one of my “feelings”? Well, sure as shit something went wrong as his oldest boy had a terrible pain in his side, he was throwing up and running a fever and Miguel calls me and asks me what I thought was wrong.

Well, I told him to get his son to the hospital stat because it sounded like appendicitis to me and that is exactly what it was. Miguel called me after being at the hospital for a while and they were taking his son into surgery. His son did great during surgery and the dr. told him his son’s appendix was about to burst and it’s a good thing that he brought him in when he did.

Miguel told me I was creepy because I had warned him and he had never met anyone that had such a strong six sense like I do. I didn’t tell him that I am psychic as that would probably have really creeped him in out as most do not believe in such a thing. I get these feelings all the time and I try to ignore them which is stupid because I end up paying in the end.

Miguels son will be fine and I am so glad for that but his wife got really pissed at him and told him it was his fault, lol stupid woman. There is no warning with appendicitis except the pain and nausea and my girlfriend went through the same thing when we were younger. I have learned quite a bit about medical issues over the years because my husband was sick for so long and I made a point to learn, to understand and to watch out for the warning signs of different illnesses.

I’m not a stupid woman and surely not naive about too much any longer and I have learned that education is the key to protecting oneself. I love learning and would like to go back to school but can’t afford it. I’m doing ok but not great and trying to sell property and things I own isn’t going so well. I had a buyer for some property I have in Florida but that deal fell through because his dog is to large and doesn’t meet the guidelines of the residents in the area.

If I could sell the property and my rv life would be so much easier but hey things happen when they are supposed to and not a  minute sooner. I’ve decided that the house will go up next spring and I should be able to sell it by fall if not sooner. I plan on buying a much smaller home for the kids and I and when Ryan graduates I plan on finding a place in Georgia as the weather is better for me and cost of living is cheaper.

I can live in Georgia during the winter and come up to Michigan during the summer to be with the kids. Ryan is so damn smart he will do great for himself and he will do great financially I have no doubt. Shelby is such a hard worker and she loves school so much and yes she will be a great attorney one day and maybe she will decide to run for a judge as she has dreamed.

Life is good, I am content and the kids are doing great which makes me happy as my kids happiness means more to me than my own. I have always treated my children as if they were young adults even when they were little I was honest with them. Shelby once asked me what my boobs were for and I told her the truth, boobs have milk for babies and then she asked me where babies come from and I told him in a child’s version but I didn’t tell her the stork brought them.

My kids see me as a strong, independent woman who can handle any crisis that comes her way and that my friends has built character in each of my children. My kids do not look for handouts or someone else to carry their burdens as they have been through so much already in their lives and are quite independent. It’s important to be honest with our kids and teach them to care for themselves because as I have experienced, people die and leave you to fend for yourself.

Kids First

I am a person that experienced divorce of my parents when I was young and I understand the importance of spending time with both parents even though my father was absent most of my life. Mike and I were going to the lake this weekend but his kids wanted to spend time with him so we didn’t go, I really respect Mike for putting his kids first because I know only to well the pain his children are experiencing.

People are so selfish and they blow off their kids to be with their latest and greatest which in my eyes is wrong. Our children rely on us for so much more than most parents realize or pay any attention to. Boys are taught not to cry and girls are taught to be girlie, this is wrong as boys should be able to express themselves without reprisal of anyone and girls should be encouraged as boys to follow their hearts and their desires.

Sure, I feel let down that Im not with Mike but guess what? His kids would feel it so much more than I and by him spending time with them he is developing some pretty great kids. Mike is teaching his kids that family comes first and to me that is paramount to anyone or anything else. Most women would be pissed but wouldn’t say anything or show it but not me, I’m not pissed at all.

I am mature enough to know my place in Miguel’s life and yes I am at the top right below his kids which is kool with me. I really like learning about his kids and I listen when he talks about them which is all the time. A man who is proud of his children and wants to exalt them is a truly great guy in my eyes and always will be. Miguel is a wonderful man so full of love and self-assurance and I really am attracted to that.

He doesn’t have a college degree and he isn’t well off financially but he does well enough for himself and he takes excellent care of his children. He is a proud man, a man of morals and ethics, a man who knows how to treat a lady and how to respect her as well. He treats me better than anyone ever has and Im not used to being treated so well but I love it and I think I could fall in love with him.