Words

We use words to communicate our feelings and words carry a tremendous amount of weight that some people don’t realize the effect the words they use can have on others. I have a very sharp tongue and I can cut people past the bone to the marrow if I so wish. I have learned to curb my tongue because at one time I didn’t realize how hurtful I could be to others.

I used words as my weapon of protection from others and to push people away for fear of being hurt but I have realized that I no longer need to be so hurtful to others as I just walk away quite a bit now days. I am not one that falls for the word “love” because I have learned that love is associated with pain and lies and when someone says they love me I do not believe them other than my children.

I haven’t said “I love you” to anyone other than my children in so long that it would be very hard for me to say that to someone. I had someone online tell me they love me and I told them don’t say that because I didn’t believe him to begin with and I believe those words should only be said when they are true and from the heart. People will say those words for reasons that are unpure and they use those words to control and manipulate.

I not only do not believe words of love  when said to me by someone online, I believe they are used to hurt me which they do not because I do not believe them anyway. It will take a pretty special guy to get me to believe that he loves me and he will have to prove it to me over and over before I will honestly believe him. The day I say those words to a man he can take them to the bank and draw interest on them because they will come from deep within my heart and they will be true and genuine.

Being genuine is important to me and if I let myself I do believe I could fall in love with Mike, Francisco is fun and exciting but he doesn’t have that special something I am looking for. We will be doing breakfast tomorrow and he wants to take me shopping but I don’t know about that as I do not feel right taking anything from him. Mike knows I am seeing other people because I want to be honest with him and keep it real.

Words

We use words to communicate our feelings and words carry a tremendous amount of weight that some people don’t realize the effect the words they use can have on others. I have a very sharp tongue and I can cut people past the bone to the marrow if I so wish. I have learned to curb my tongue because at one time I didn’t realize how hurtful I could be to others.

I used words as my weapon of protection from others and to push people away for fear of being hurt but I have realized that I no longer need to be so hurtful to others as I just walk away quite a bit now days. I am not one that falls for the word “love” because I have learned that love is associated with pain and lies and when someone says they love me I do not believe them other than my children.

I haven’t said “I love you” to anyone other than my children in so long that it would be very hard for me to say that to someone. I had someone online tell me they love me and I told them don’t say that because I didn’t believe him to begin with and I believe those words should only be said when they are true and from the heart. People will say those words for reasons that are unpure and they use those words to control and manipulate.

I not only do not believe words of love I believe they are used to hurt me which they do not because I do not believe them anyway. It will take a pretty special guy to get me to believe that he loves me and he will have to prove it to me over and over before I will honestly believe him. The day I say those words to a man he can take them to the bank and draw interest on them because they will come from deep within my heart and they will be true and genuine.

The Smiles & Nicknames

Some people have the most attractive smiles especially when the smile reaches their eyes, that is when you know it’s genuine and from the heart. Mike has an awesome smile and yes it does reach his eyes which makes him so attractive. When he smiles the entire room lights up because he has so much personality and he is so genuine and such a great person from what I have seen. The funny think about Mike is his real name is Miguel, not Mike at all.

He told me the reason that his nick name is Mike is because when he was younger he worked with two other guys with the same name so he got that nickname. Its seems like so many people have nicknames and mine is Kim which is of course short for Kimberly. I nicknamed my daughter booboo from the yogi bear cartoon, don’t ask me why I just did and I still calll her that to this day and my son I have nicknamed Ry which is short for Ryan.

It seems that most people shorten their legal name and use it most of the time because we are a lazy bunch that do not want to waste a single syllable I guess. I prefer not to use my nickname since I have gotten older but there are those that still call me Kim. I do not mind it but prefer to be referred to by my legal name because that is who I am and I guess I shouldn’t say anything because I was named after Kimberly Clark, the original Kotex company, lol.

My parents didn’t want another kid but they ended up having my brother and myself because birth control was non existent at that time. My original birth certificate says baby girl Totz, so it was painfully obvious that my mother never wanted me because when you want your unborn child you always have names picked out before they are born. My mother was never a real mother in the sense of the word and I have accepted that long ago and really no longer care.

Mike has a huge family as most Catholic families from long ago where rather large but I have only a sister as my brother died but my sister and I do not speak often because I am not good enough for her to associate herself with and neither was any of my family. My sister has a resume that reads like a who’s who but she will never be happy and never has been because her entire world revolves around what she has materially. She puts too much stock into material possessions and very little into human beings.

It’s not hard to figure out why as both of us were betrayed at a very young age, first by my mother dumping us on our grandparents and then my uncle molesting us then my mother took us back and physically and mentally abused us until the day we were able to fledge on our own. Yes, what a sad life we have had but we never look for pity and turn it away every time it may appear. How different each of us have lived our lives and my sister and I am not and day.

My sister would shoot you and walk over your body while I am the one that would do everything I could to help you and it is so strange how siblings from the same loin can be so different. While my sister loves to spend money I on the other hand prefer to spend time with people, giving to them, helping them and being there for them. Love can change a person’s entire world and I ooze with love because that is the way I am wired.

Mike notices everything I do and I don’t pay any attention what so ever as I do things for others without a second thought, opening doors, helping put groceries in the car for the disabled or elderly, picking up things for people ect. I know it doesn’t sound like much but in this world there are very few that will help anyone else as it seems most people have their hand out or in your pocket stealing from you. Mike is a giver like I am and that may be why we get on so well, because we are doing little things for each other and we just started dating.

You can tell so much by the way a person treats you from the get go, it’s those little things that say so much about us and Mike does a ton of little things for me that add up. He is so kind, sweet, gentle, caring, understanding and so much more and he is the kind of guy I hope to spend my life with one day. It’s funny how when we are together he always holds my hand as if I might run away or something and he is so romantic and his kisses, well you cannot beat his kisses.

We spend hours talking in person or on the phone and I am not one to talk on the phone but he has that magic that keeps me on the line as I love to hear his voice. He has a deep, sexy voice the kind a radio announcer has and I get so turned on just by listening to him. He is a damn hard worker but he makes time for me when he should be resting and that makes me feel bad but also good which is strange. I feel bad he isn’t resting but it makes me feel good that he cares enough to stay away or force himself to stay awake.

We were watching a movie at his place last night and he fell asleep on my lap and he looked so angelic and peaceful I hated to wake him. I had to wake him so I could go home and he wanted me to stay the night but i couldn’t because Ry had been out since the night before and spent the night at his friends and I needed to be sure he made it home ok.  Mike understands that my children must come first and he is fine with that so far and I realize his kids must come first to him as well and both of us spend time with just our kid because we know the importance of family and maybe one day, yes maybe one day I will have another family to share my world with but I am ok as of now.