So Wrong

Shelby, my daughter and I are watching the show catfish and I think it is so wrong that people use the internet to have relationships based on lies. Here’s this guy living forty miles away from this girl he has been chatting with and he fell in love with her. They finally meet through the show and she is extremely overweight, not anything like the picture she posted and he fell in love with her picture. When they finally met he was so disappointed he wanted nothing to do with her.

They did end up still chatting and he is looking for a girlfriend and she has found a boyfriend. This type of deception can be so damaging emotionally and I know first hand how much it hurts. I have been led on for years by one man who led me to believe he was someone famous. I didn’t care if he was rich and famous and it still doesn’t matter to me but he refused to be seen on skype or to ever meet me. I hung on to the hope of one day meeting him and that got me through some extremely difficult times in my life.

I have buried almost all of my family, went through a divorce that ended with my husband and I getting back together a week before it was over and a month later he died. I have been through several legal battles and I have actually had to collect pop bottles to get a gallon of milk for my kids. I needed a car and he said he would help me financially which he never did but I ended up getting a car without his help anyway, he has pretended to really like me and talked of living together, which I knew was nothing but bullshit.

He has pretended to be so many different guys so I would never meet anyone real and he has hacked my computer actually crashing several laptops to keep me off the internet I presume. I have finally reached a point in my life I no longer rely on him to help me through the difficult times and I have finally started to date and have met some really nice guys that I like a lot. This person has no idea how much he has hurt me and I seriously doubt he cares.

I am very fortunate to have been able to cut him loose and I block him every time he attempts to contact me because I refuse to let him continue to play with my emotions. I do not know what is wrong with him or what he got out of doing and saying the things he did but I am no longer his little puppet to manipulate and play with. I don’t care what he looks like or what he has or doesn’t have because I have considered him a friend for years and if we were ever to meet, which will never happen, I would still be his friend as I am sure  I have helped him in some way.

That Feeling

When we are in love aren’t we suppose to feel something special? Something unique? Something that wraps around our hearts and gives us butterflys in our stomachs? Isn’t love suppose to feel something like that? Aren’t you suppose to have that special feeling when you are going to marry someone? Well, I didn’t have that feeling when I married my husband and I have been asked to marry someone and I do not have that feeling for him.

Am I stupid or am I missing something here? I honestly do not know what adult love feels likes or if it even exists and maybe I am fooling myself and I believe there is something special we feel when we are in love. I married my husband out of “duty” and I was never happy a single day of all the years I was married and I’m not sure what I am supposed to feel if anything.

How can a man say he is in love with a woman and want to marry her when he hasn’t even dated her a month? How can a man make such a committment to a woman he hardly knows? He doesn’t even know my middle name or my birthday yet he wants to marry me and I think this is insane and I do not know how a man can love me like he says he does.

I’m a very good person and woman but I am not good enough to be anyone’s wife, or so I feel and I do not understand what love is really all about. I am a dreamer and a wandering soul that is seeking something that probably doesn’t exist and never will but I search in the darkness with my hands held out as to feel my way through the night. I have such a sadness that lingers within me and I do not know what is the real cause of that either.

Did you ever feel lost within yourself, as if you no longer know who you are or where you belong or even where you are going? I am so overwhelmed with Francisco’s offer of marriage and I still and reeling from the way he asked me. Maybe I am just a dreamy little girl inside but I want more, I want the hearts and flowers, I want that special proposal of marriage, the kind that is put on a huge television screen like the ones at the football games.

I want to be swept off my feet and blown away by someone who goes that extra mile to surprise me and make me feel love. I want to know what it really feels like to be in love and I want to dance in the rain with the man who has taught me what love really means. I have so many questions without answers and I do not know what to do but I want it to feel right when I marry again.

To love and to be loved is the greatest of life and I have never experienced love so I’m not so sure I can give it even though I may think I can. I know what I feel inside but being able to express it is a totally different thing all together. I really like Francisco and he is a woman’s dream for a perfect husband I guess but I do not feel those butterfly’s, I do not think about being with him when he isn’t around and I do not miss him when he isn’t with me.

So here I sit contemplating my future and what it may hold and what decision is the right one for me. Maybe, there is no such thing as cobwebs in the brain and butterfly’s in the stomach, maybe, just maybe I am meant to be with him the rest of my life, maybe he is my destiny but I am so afraid to say yes to him and I don’t think I am suppose to be afraid to say yes, or am I?