As usual, I didn’t sleep well again last night because I have this marriage thing on my mind. I got up tired again, got dressed and did my “morning mile” as I refer to my morning walk. I walk everyday twice a day a little over a mile and the weight is slowly coming off and I feel better when I get some exercise. I have told Francisco I want to lose quite a bit of weight and he has offered to get me a personal trainer, which I said no to of course.
He has offered to pay off my second mortgage I had to take against the house to pay of the IRS debt left by my husband and the two car loans I needed to get myself as well as Shelby, my daughter a car. I could so easily say yes but I just cannot bring myself to take his money because I do not want to feel indebted to him. Yes, he may be my future husband and I am leaning towards saying yes, but until I do, well I haven’t.
I am such a dumbass as I was doing my walk and listening to my music I wasn’t paying attention and ended up walking right into a light pole, almost knocking myself out. What an ass I am!!! I looked around and was so relieved to see no one watching me during my graceful moment. I get so deep in thought sometimes I lose my awareness of what I am doing or where I am going and this happens when I drive as well, I get so lost in thought I forget where I am going.
Francisco is such a nice person and he keeps offering to buy me things I need but can do without and he says “it’s just money”. Maybe it is just money but it’s not my money which makes the difference. I haven’t heard from Mike in two days so I either pissed him off, turned him off or he is trying to work things out with his spouse, which happens often during a divorce.
The last time we saw each other we had a great time so as far as pissing him off, well that doesn’t seem to be a possibility. I like both of these men so much and they treat me so well which seems to be part of the Latino culture and I love Latino men for many reasons. Francisco I asked me if I wanted to get together this weekend and I told him sure we could do something.
I told him about my marriage to Bob which was nothing more than going to the Justice of the Peace and finalizing the legal docs of marriage, Francisco told me I deserved so much more and we were going to have a beautiful wedding with all the bells and whistles. That’s all fine and dandy if you have family but I do not so there would only be a handful of people who I would invite, if I invited anyone as I prefer something very small and intimate without the bells and whistles.
I do not want anything more than the man I love and someone to make it official and then go jump into bed and consummate my marriage. I do not think about all the shit that goes along with a wedding as most women do and I do believe I should be thinking about colors, flowers, location, venue, ect. I think I am just to damn practical and maybe just to much of a tomboy in ways to think about the feminine side of a wedding.
I keep going back and forth in my mind if I should get married or not and there is no reason I guess not to marry him because I have lost all hope in finding my soulmate. I think my soulmate is hooked up with someone else and never going to let them go and I am just an old fool with a lot of wishful thinking. I wish my soulmate would pop up and keep me from marrying someone who I’m not so sure that I should be with.
I just do not know what I am supposed to be feeling but I do not feel giddy or excited and I think I should be, but then again I didn’t feel anything when I married Bob. Society teaches us what we are to expect and feel about so many things that what he should and do feel is controlled my society for the most part. I wish I had someone who would tell me not to do this because it’s a mistake I will regret like when I married Bob, but then again I’m not so sure marrying Bob was a mistake as I have two kids that I love dearly because of him.
I am so confused and I hate feeling this way and I just want to be happy and I know all the money in the world wouldn’t make me happy. I know Francisco could and would make my life easier financially but what about love? Does love even exist or is it something I have built up in my mind and it doesn’t really exist? Isn’t love suppose to make you feel something you normally do not? If this is so I am not in love and if I’m not in love why would I want to spend my life with someone that was no more than a friend to me? I just do not know what to do or what to feel at this point so maybe I should just say yes and the confusion would stop.