Where Is My SoulMate?

I have a deep  belief that most of us have a soulmate and to me a soulmate is the twin to your soul. It is your perfect partner, one whom you feel a deeper connection to than anyone else. You can also call it true love. Some people have different beliefs about a soulmate. Some people believe that a soulmate is a lover from a previous life. Others think that a soulmate is a piece of your soul that was placed within another person. That is why you spend your life looking for the other half.

Whatever you happen to believe, a soulmate is more than just simple physical attraction. It goes deep and can make you more complete than any crush or infatuation. The connection is like a woven thread and it is undeniable, indescribable and unique between two people. You can date people and feel a connection but you know that they are not your soulmate, or at least I know.

I know my soulmate is out there somewhere and we will be together one day but when will that day be I have no idea. I feel his presence and I feel his touch and maybe that is what keeps me from having sex with anyone else. I want to feel him inside me, beside me and I want to be engulfed by him and him alone and this may sound crazy to most but that is what a soulmate does, they become part of you.

It’s like puzzle you have put together but you are missing that one piece that completes it and I am incomplete and without completion because I am not with my soulmate. Francisco and Mike are fun guys and I am attracted to both of them but I know they could never complete me, I know neither one will be permanent and I know they are only in my life to teach me.

I know when I meet him and I whisper the words that I love you to him that they will come deep from within my heart and the words will never be uttered unless they are true and from my heart. My soulmate will fulfill my life and give me what I need as I will do the same for him and when he utters those words of love to me he will mean it as well and we will be happy, finally.

Just a Touch

I have always been attracted to men with long hair and I think it’s because the only man I ever loved wasn’t a man at all but a boy of 16 when I was in high school. Tony Giannola was his name and he had was an Aquarius male with long black hair and brown eyes. His hair was so straight and soft to the touch and he was romantic as all get up. We dated and broke up and after high school I ran into him again and had to fight those feelings that had gone dormant for years.

I knew I could never get back together with him because he had hurt me so badly years prior and I refused to let him or anyone that close to my heart again. Unfortunately, the love of my life was murdered when he was about 20 and the killer was never caught. Tony was into drugs from what I heard and his death was brought on by the drug of cocaine in some manner.

Everytime I think of the man that I want to be with, he’s a man with long hair or a man with short hair with a touch of grey. Many men color out the grey because they think it makes them look old but to me it makes them look sophisticated and desirable. Men with a touch of grey are handsome to me and some of them even appear to be intelligent, which they are.

I have blonde hair and will never have that touch of grey as blondes don’t go grey, they go white. My great grandmother had blonde hair and it turned white as she aged and she was beautiful even in death. So many people color their hair, get plastic surgery or liposuction but me, well what you see is what you get and I am not changing anything about myself for anybody.

Yes, I realize I am over weight but I am doing something about that and yes the weight is coming off slowly but surely. I like to feel sexy and I do but I feel so much more sexy when I am not carrying excess weight and I look better as well. I have never changed a thing about myself for someone else but I have been influenced by someone because I want him to look at me and be attracted to me even though he already is.

Yes, I know my intelligence is what attracts him , lmao and I have no doubt he is attracted to me for my brain power and not my boobs, lol. What man isn’t attracted to boobs? Men love boobs and maybe it goes back to when they were breastfed who knows?

What She Looks For

I love men, men are fun and they make me laugh which is so important to my life. The type of man who attracts me is tall, handsome, has that touch of grey, sophisticated yet funny and silly at the same time. Someone who is self made and driven to a certain degree, he is adventurous, romantic, sensual, sexy, intelligent and I can learn from him. I like men that aren’t intimidated by me and a man that can exalt me as I do him.

I don’t care what he does for a living as long as he has a job and enjoys what he is doing and he must have what I have or more. I do not have a lot so expecting a man to have as much as I do isn’t asking a lot of him. Men see my home and think I am well off but little do they know that I am not so I do not let just any man come to my home. I did bring Francisco here because the kids weren’t home and I prefer it that way.

I like men that wear fitted clothes, especially shorts and a t-shirt and someone who is just  a regular guy. I’m not asking too much and I am getting my own body in shape because I feel better for one and I want to feel good about myself once again. My husband didn’t care what I looked like and when I lost weight he put me down because he didn’t want me to look good obviously.

I need a man who can build me up but also help keep me real, which isn’t to hard to do as I am pretty real already. I want to meet someone who I have that special connection with, someone who I know is part of me, someone who knocks my sox off. I like the men I am seeing now and one is almost perfect but just not that perfect fit and I already know it.

The way you act on the first date sets the tone for the future and both men have tried to get into my pants without any luck. One of them has actually told me I would be begging him to have sex with me within a month, lmao. He treats me like I’m more of a challenge to fuck then to be with and that is already showing through the cloth so to speak. Newsflash, he will never get me into bed because his arrogance just slammed and locked the door on him.

I may appear to be arrogant myself but I really am not and I do not feel that I am better than anyone else but I do expect a lot from myself and yes I am my own worse critic. I do not need anyone putting me down because I can do that all on my own. I have been told that I am way to hard on myself but if I am not then how can I better myself? I try to improve on myself and I am doing just that.

I enjoy both of the men and each has something different to bring to the table but I do like spending time with them but I do not see anything I would consider serious ever happening. I refuse to settle for less than what my heart cries out for but I also refuse to sit on the sidelines and wait for Mr. Right to come knocking on my door. I know the perfect man, my other half is out there and I will meet him one day soon hopefully.

The Mistake

What would you do if you knew someone you really cared about was making the biggest mistake of their life? What would you say to them or what would you do to stop them? Would you stay silent and let them jump in or would you try your best to stop them? There are only two people in my life that I would do everything possible to stop them from making mistakes in their lives and that is my children.

I would never sit by and let my children get married to someone who I didn’t think would make a lasting relationship with my child because being hurt in love is the worse pain of the heart there is. I like most parents want my children to be happy for life and no I cannot guarantee that but I can do my best to see that it happens. As an adult that is alone I have no one to keep me from making mistakes, especially those of the heart.

I do not know if I am going to be making a mistake or not and I have no one to tell me if I am so here I am, lost in thought attempting to sort out this mess I find myself in. When someone asks you to marry them it shouldn’t be considered a mess, you should be happy I guess but I am not. I do not want to live the remainder of my life with my “friend”, no I want to live the remainder of my life with my best friend, confidant and lover.

This marriage shit sucks because it is such a huge deal in my life and I do not know what the hell to do, which way is right and which way is wrong. How do you know if you love someone? How do you know if someone is right for you? How do you know if you are meant to be with that person? How the hell do you know? Would someone take me by the hand and show me what I need to do? Please, someone show me the way……..


As usual, I didn’t sleep well again last night because I have this marriage thing on my mind. I got up tired again, got dressed and did my “morning mile” as I refer to my morning walk. I walk everyday twice a day a little over a mile and the weight is slowly coming off and I feel better when I get some exercise. I have told Francisco I want to lose quite a bit of weight and he has offered to get me a personal trainer, which I said no to of course.

He has offered to pay off my second mortgage I had to take against the house to pay of the IRS debt left by my husband and the two car loans I needed to get myself as well as Shelby, my daughter a car. I could so easily say yes but I just cannot bring myself to take his money because I do not want to feel indebted to him. Yes, he may be my future husband and I am leaning towards saying yes, but until I do, well I haven’t.

I am such a dumbass as I was doing my walk and listening to my music I wasn’t paying attention and ended up walking right into a light pole, almost knocking myself out. What an ass I am!!! I looked around and was so relieved to see no one watching me during my graceful moment. I get so deep in thought sometimes I lose my awareness of what I am doing or where I am going and this happens when I drive as well, I get so lost in thought I forget where I am going.

Francisco is such a nice person and he keeps offering to buy me things I need but can do without and he says “it’s just money”. Maybe it is just money but it’s not my money which makes the difference. I haven’t heard from Mike in two days so I either pissed him off, turned him off or he is trying to work things out with his spouse, which happens often during a divorce.

The last time we saw each other we had a great time so as far as pissing him off, well that doesn’t seem to be a possibility. I like both of these men so much and they treat me so well which seems to be part of the Latino culture and I love Latino men for many reasons. Francisco I asked me if I wanted to get together this weekend and I told him sure we could do something.

I told him about my marriage to Bob which was nothing more than going to the Justice of the Peace and finalizing the legal docs of marriage, Francisco told me I deserved so much more and we were going to have a beautiful wedding with all the bells and whistles. That’s all fine and dandy if you have family but I do not so there would only be a handful of people who I would invite, if I invited anyone as I prefer something very small and intimate without the bells and whistles.

I do not want anything more than the man I love and someone to make it official and then go jump into bed and consummate my marriage. I do not think about all the shit that goes along with a wedding as most women do and I do believe I should be thinking about colors, flowers, location, venue, ect. I think I am just to damn practical and maybe just to much of a tomboy in ways to think about the feminine side of a wedding.

I keep going back and forth in my mind if I should get married or not and there is no reason I guess not to marry him because I have lost all hope in finding my soulmate. I think my soulmate is hooked up with someone else and never going to let them go and I am just an old fool with a lot of wishful thinking. I wish my soulmate would pop up and keep me from marrying someone who I’m not so sure that I should be with.

I just do not know what I am supposed to be feeling but I do not feel giddy or excited and I think  I should be, but then again I didn’t feel anything when I married Bob. Society teaches us what we are to expect and feel about so many things that what he should and do feel is controlled my society for the most part. I wish I had someone who would tell me not to do this because it’s a mistake I will regret like when I married Bob, but then again I’m not so sure marrying Bob was a mistake as I have two kids that I love dearly because of him.

I am so confused and I hate feeling this way and I just want to be happy and I know all the money in the world wouldn’t make me happy. I know Francisco could and would make my life easier financially but what about love? Does love even exist or is it something I have built up in my mind and it doesn’t really exist? Isn’t love suppose to make you feel something you normally do not? If this is so I am not in love and if I’m not in love why would I want to spend my life with someone that was no more than a friend to me? I just do not know what to do or what to feel at this point so maybe I should just say yes and the confusion would stop.