No Tomorrows

I am watching a movie about these kids that lose both parents in an auto accident and how the parents left over four million dollars to the kids. The kid had no family and the parents left their care in the hands of some neighbors, who only wanted the kids money. This movie made me realize once again that my kids have no one if I am to die and I do not have life insurance because I just cannot afford another bill.

What would happen to my children? This is what scares me, not my own death and I do not know how they would make it without me and yes this worries me. My kids would be the only ones that would miss me besides a few friends but nobody else would care that I am gone. I’m nobody special in this world and I am not famous so my death would never be on tv like those well known.

I do not have money or fame and that seems to be all hat this world cares about and most people want to be rich and famous but not I, o no never I. Most people do not want to deal with their death or make arrangements that would make it easier on their family. Most people have relatives to help their children and most people never have to worry about their children when they are gone.

My name is already on the headstone with my husbands and all that is missing is the date of my death. Some people think thinking about such an event is morbid but it actually is being realistic. I need to pay for the crematory box to be removed from the ground so my ashes can be placed in the empty space next to my husbands and the reburial of the box.

I have told my daughter I just want a simple cremation and burial, no showing and nothing fancy at all. I figure if you didn’t see me alive then why the hell would you want to see me dead? It’s a waste of money expensive funerals but then there are people the world wants to pay homage to but I am not one of those people and never will be. I have done nothing the world has ever noticed and the things I have done are only known to those that I have helped.

I am never going to be more than I am, I am never going to be the president, a famous sports player, a beautiful ballerina, no I will never be more than I am but as long as I am a good person with a good heart then I am satisfied with my life. I worry about my children and the loss of their dad just about killed them and I have always been their rock but what will happen when their rock turns to dust?

Turn Around

I haven’t written about my son Ryan in quite a while because I was waiting to see if he would turn around, go back to the way he was in December when he attempted to kill me. I am glad to say that my tough love parenting has brought out the best in my son. Ry is doing better than ever and when I turned my back on him and left him to the care of the state I felt so bad and such a failure as a parent.

The six months away from home gave both of us time to heal some very deep wounds and Ryan is now a happy boy which makes me happy. He has friends and he helps around the house without asking him, he cleans up after himself for the most part and does his own laundry. You may say to yourself that he should have been doing this all along but my husband never did anything with Ryan and taught him nothing.

I tried my best but a boy needs his father’s influence, a boy needs to have a father show him how to be a man, a boy needs his father’s love and acceptance. My husband became an amputee when Ryan was five years old and that age is so impressionable and a child develops so much at that age. I am not a perfect mother, far from it but I did the best I could and I refused to raise my children the way I was raised.

I love my children and I tell them, I hug them and listen to them and yes they are my world and Ryan is not the same boy by a long shot. No one even knows he has bipolar disorder as he takes his meds and he is acting like a typical sixteen year old boy. I have to see that he gets his license and I will be doing that this week as its just a three day class and then he takes his test.

I want my son to have a girlfriend, have friends and hobbies that makes him happy and everything is falling nicely into place for him. I am registering him in public school because private school is just not for him. He has a very high IQ and school is a breeze for him. My son is a happy person and that makes me so happy because I did have to walk away from him because I just couldn’t handle the situation and it’s the best thing I have ever done for both of us.

Water Down

I woke up in such pain, yes the pain represents the weather and today it is raining. I have no idea why I have such pain in my hips but the barometer says it all and all I can do is soak in the tub to remove the pain.  As I laid in bed I thought how nice it would be to have my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest as we listened to the rain hit the cement porch which runs the length of the back of my house.

I thought how nice it would be to have my naked knee resting just above his groin and the comfort of the warmth of his body running through my own. I thought how nice it would be to make slow, sweet love as we listened to the music that the rain makes. It is moments like these that make me so sad, feel so lonely and want to be with him so bad. No, I do not speak of Mike or Francisco, I speak of my soulmate, the man I have tried to run and hide from without success.

I wish I knew why he stays away, why he pretends, why he refuses to let himself open up like a spring flower. I wish I had the answers as those answers are the key to my emotional freedom. Is he involved with someone? Does he have someone he shares his home and life with? Does he fear letting me close as I would show him how to be totally happy? Does he fear love?

He must be so careful as the world can never know the secrets he harbors, the world must never know that this man is capable of falling in love with someone online or that he is possessive and jealous of a woman he has never met. The world can never know he fell in love online, like it is something evil when it is not and so many people have fallen in love with someone online and yes there are happily ever after relationships that started online.

Does he see me has undesirable because I have bipolar disorder? There are so many famous people with the same disorder and it is nothing to be ashamed about because we feel, hurt and love just like “normal” people. This man has so much love to give but he keeps his emotions bridled and under control because he is seen as such a strong man, a gifted man, a giving man.

I’m not the type of woman he is normally seen with and in fact he is never seen with anyone of the female persuasion as that could tarnish his reputation and that wouldn’t do, not at all. The great and wonderful man is viewed by the world in a certain way that can never be harmed and the man can be seen by others only as the best he can be even though he is fallible like the rest of us.

If he would let himself be with the woman he loves he would wake to a smile and go to sleep feeling so loved and content. He refuses to love or to be loved in real as he hides behind technology’s protective shield. He fears the pain of the heart, the hurt that comes with love and he fears this woman would swallow him in his entirety and he fears love, real love. Forget your fears and let me love you  hon because that is all you need to be complete.

A Child’s Respect

We forget that our children are young adults and that they have vision that allows them to see way beyond what their parents may see in another. Children that have lost a parent or are subject to divorce are thrown into a whirlwind of emotions and changes. Our children have to deal with the loss of a parent and yes they mourn just like their parents or parent.

Children are so damn smart but they are also so very sensitive and they hide their hurt like a wounded wolf as they do not want their parents to know how much they are hurting. They see both of their parents or their only parent suffering through the pain and loss and they feel the need to be supportive, forgetting that they are the ones that need our support.

Children have to go through the loss and then they have to deal with the replacement that their parent chooses. It isn’t easy for a child to accept a new partner in their parents life and they will rebel. Children can tell when someone likes them or is playing them to get on with their parent and they get jealous and feel neglected when someone new is brought into the picture.

Most people do not accept the children of the person they are dating and they play the “yes I like you and want to be your friend” game. Kids see through this and they either get defiant or they pretend to play along to keep their parent happy. It is so very hard for children as they have to deal with everyday problems of being a kid along with the loss or split of their parents.

I have two step daughters that blame me for the lack of relationship my husband had with them but the truth is I bent over backwards helping those girls and they shot themselves in the foot regarding the relationship with their dad. There was so much water under the bridge before I stepped into the picture but it was easier for them to blame me then to blame themselves and their dad.

I tried so hard to get Bob to rebuild a relationship with his girls but they had hurt him so deeply that he could never let go of that hurt. I never want to be in the middle between a father and their kids because it’s not my place and I wouldn’t do that to my own kids, let someone get in between us. The relationship with our children is special and unique and we must feed that relationship and push our children to be their best and to go after the brass ring that they so wish to reach.

I think it’s important to spend time with our kids without a “new” person around for quite a long time and I know I will not be introducing anyone new into my kids lives until I feel a solid foundation with that person. I am the role model for my kids and I am all they have so I have to be so very careful with their feelings and emotions. I want to have someone in my life but my kids have to come first and I would expect him to put his children first as well.

It’s hard enough trying to build a new relationship but bringing the kids into the mix to soon is detrimental to everyone and it isn’t fair to everyone either. I think it’s important to have a good relationship, one that is solid and one that you can spend time with your kids alone without feeling that you are cheating the “new” person in your life. That person should be  telling you to enjoy your kids and have a good time and they should be secure enough not to feel threatened by the kids.

That is what ruins so many relationships, the insecurity of feeling competitive with the kids and knowing you will lose. I have never felt this way because I have always known my place and the place of the kids and I never felt threatened by them. Bob would spend time with Katy and I was glad to see them together as it showed a part of him that I felt was important.

How a man is with his children says a lot about him as a person and how he interacts with his children tells me how he will interact with me as well. A father that is physically affectionate with his children will be the same way with me and if he is standoffish he will be like that with me as well. Men have tear ducts because they are meant to cry and there is nothing wrong with a man showing his emotions once in a while and to see a man cry over his child’s accomplishment or because his child is hurting is touching to me. and more than acceptable.