To Feel

Did you ever feel something for someone and it felt good? It felt right and fun but you knew deep within yourself that it wouldn’t last? Did you ever just enjoy your time with someone knowing that it was nothing more than temporary? I am experiencing just those feelings at this time with someone I really enjoy being with but I know it will only be for a short time because that is the way life works.

When you  date someone going through a divorce and you are the first person they have dated you know or you should know that you will not be there last and are only their first. You are the first one they wet their feet with, you are the first one in their life after their x and you know that they are searching for that perfect fit and that first one is never their last.

Miguel and I have been enjoying each other’s company and it has been difficult as his son had major surgery. He is back at home again watching over his child and I admire that in him. I know that I am his first after the filing of the divorce and I know I will not be his last as life just doesn’t work that way. He has gotten his feet wet but he needs to learn to swim upstream again.

I know there are things he isn’t telling me and I have a feeling him and his wife are learning to live together once again. Maybe they are slowly rebuilding the trust and I already know from my own experience that the love is already there even though it may have gotten lost it is still there. We talk every day but haven’t seen each other much since his son got sick and I’m ok with that as his children are and should be more important than I am.

We were able to steal several hours away today and then his wife called and he told me he was needed at home. We drove home in silence, the air thick with unasked questions and I stared out the window wondering why this always happens to me. Why do I end up with men that are liars or are confused and do not know what they really want out of life? Why do I end up with men that say they love me and then poof they are gone?

Miguel is the type of man I want to spend my life with and I can feel myself slowly falling for him and I know I will be let down again. I know in my heart that I will be crushed as easily as the flightless baby bird on the driveway and I know I will get hurt beyond any pain I have ever felt before so I cannot let myself fall, no I just have to enjoy the moment and be prepared for the last moment.