Unwanted

I have found that if you have sex with someone you are not attracted to that the sex is dull and boring. Yes, I have had sex with someone who I wasn’t attracted to and I felt obligated to partake even though I didn’t want to. This happened quite some time back but I wonder why I even let it go that far, why I felt obligated to this person and yes it was the worse sex I have ever had willingly.

I do things even though I have no desire to because I do feel obligated and I’m not just talking about sex. I feel as if I owe the person when I do not so I cannot figure out why I let myself feel this way. It really sucks when you do things that you do not really want to do but you do them anyway even when you know you shouldn’t. I do not know why I started thinking about this but it really bothers me that I do stupid shit that I do not want to.

I think I do this because I do not want to let people down, I do not want them to think ill of me and I do believe this comes from my mother always being disappointed in me. I never did anything good enough in her eyes and I was never good enough no matter what I did. It sucks that I can let my mother still influence me to this day even though she is unable to hold a conversation.

I’m a confident person most of the time but there are those times when I feel intimidated, I feel obligated and I feel as if someone would look down on me if I didn’t follow the program. I just wish I could meet someone who would be around long enough to make a difference in my life and how I feel about myself but that has yet to happen. I know one day I will be with someone that is a perfect fit but for now I am alone once again.