As adults we are expected to have all of the answers for our children and we are expected to fix all that is wrong. My kids think I can fix anything and I have all the answers but the truth is I do not. In the last week I have been expected to know what was wrong with Shelby’s car, why the fridge doesn’t have power, where the remote for the tv is and why Khloe is acting like a dog.
Shelby’s car wasn’t to difficult to figure out as it needed a new battery, the fridge tripped a gfi which was easy to reset, the remote, well Ryan doesn’t know what he did with it so I went to the cable company this morning and got another one and as far as Khloe, well she is just in her own little world as she is in love with the dogs as she licks them and then bites them, lol.
I have so few expectations anymore and the older I get the less I seem to have which I think is a good thing. I no longer expect the kids to not come to me for the answers and I no longer expect my soul mate to show up at my door, I no longer expect the world to be just and I no longer expect people to do the right thing. I no longer think that one day I will be happy instead of existing and I no longer expect anything from anyone.
I go to bed and hold my feather pillow close to my chest as if it were a body, a body that would make me complete, make me feel something extraordinary, something unique. I go to sleep without thinking of anything happy or fun from earlier in the day and I no longer feel anything but loneliness, emptiness and incompleteness. I keep working on losing weight and walk almost five miles a day and yes I can see my body slowly transforming.
One day he will see me as I am, a woman in need of love and affection, a woman who needs to care for him and him alone, a woman who lives without him but prefers to be with him, a woman who is kind and giving, loving and caring, independent yet in need, a woman for him and him alone. He will one day realize that making money is fine but making love real love to a woman is what he really needs to be happy.
He will realize that most are around him for what he has not who he is and he will realize he gives to much to the wrong people. He will wake up one day and want more out of life, more out of his relationships and more for his heart. He will one day say to himself that this life isn’t enough for him and he wants someone who will love him for himself and yes one day he will come to me and we will play like children and laugh the day away, yes one day.