Can You Feel

Can you feel my warm breath

On your neck?

Can you feel the gentle 

Touch of my lips?

Can you feel the 

Love I have to give?

Can you see my eyes

Weep for you

And you alone?

Can you feel 

My hand on your chest?

Can you feel my hand

On your cheek?

Can you feel

Feel anything?

Do you feel for me?

To Feel It Deeply

When you love someone you think of them constantly and you look back on all of the good times. You do not give up because the relationship isn’t what it used to be, no you change it and remake it what you want. People are so quick to walk away from their relationships because people drift apart and do not know how to change the direction of the tide.

People are so greedy and want everything right now and they no longer work at making things work for them. I am a woman who likes to have healthy relationships and to keep the love alive. You must keep the flame fanned and you must be able to give as well as take. Walking away from a relationship without doing everything within my power to keep it healthy and alive just isn’t me.

I tried so hard in my marriage but my husband gave up, he gave up on himself and then his family. I could not make him happy and he was so down and out that he just couldn’t pull himself back up and I couldn’t lower myself to his place in life. When I love I love deeply and giving is all I want to do, I only want to see the one I love happy but I do not sit on my laurels and let them make stupid moves without voicing my opinion.

Bob and I rarely argued because it wasn’t hard to keep each one of us “happy” but when we did fight it was a drag out fight as we both stood our ground. I am glad I do not like to fight or argue and it is always fun making up if the person really loves you. My husband never really loved me unfortunately but that is a cross I had to bare and I did ok with it until I could no longer feel unloved and live that way.

Feel It

I have a lot of people tell me that I am very pretty but I do not see it or feel it as of yet. As I lose weight I see someone else but I never see pretty. I find so few men attractive and I look at myself and I see an overweight old woman. I do not look old or my age but I have been through so much that I see a woman who has survived many bad things and I see a woman who has so much to give but no one to give it to.

I do not know what makes me pretty in others eyes and I have no way of knowing what is attractive about me because right now it is definitely not my fine physique. I have decided its time to lose the weight and get some muscles and I will not stop until I reach my goal. It will take me until next spring to get where I want to be but that is ok but all I have is time.

I have muscular calves which isn’t attractive in a woman but hey it comes with all the walking and I will take it. Now that I have started my period I have to be so careful if I have sex, lol like that is going to happen. I could get preggers so easily especially at my age and I do not want anymore children as the two I have, have put me through my paces. I worry about Ry because he feels that the only people who like him are the ones using drugs, but the truth is most kids are experimenting but I am so afraid Ry will end up dieing from an overdose or something.

People are stupid because they think their kid would never touch drugs but that is stupid thinking. The wealthy kids seem to get into drugs more because they feel inferior to their famous parents and they feel like they are expected to be as good as their parents. Kids are under so much pressure these days and drugs are a common bond for most of them.

If you think your kid hasn’t dabbled in drugs then you are blind because it seems 99% of kids are doing it. The drug Molly is big right now and so damn dangerous and yes it kills. I have a very open relationship with my kids and they ask me things and tell me things most kids won’t ask their parents. I have told Ry I don’t want him doing drugs but I also made it clear that I would rather him do it at home where he is safe.

It’s a double edged sword but you have to give your kids free reign to grow and learn but you are also supposed to protect them at the same time. I do the best I can and I have no partner to help me so I can only ask God to help me through this time with Ryan. He’s got a girlfriend which is great for his ego and makes him feel pretty damn good about himself and that makes me happy.

Maybe one day my soulmate will come and be by my side and make life easier for me as I have no one I confide in these days. I so need someone to lean on just for a moment so I can take a breather but there is no one I trust that much unfortunately. One day someone will tell me they love me and mean it, not wanting anything from me but only to give to me from their heart.