What A Day

Today didn’t start out to good as my daughters brakes went out on her car, thank goodness she noticed it at the corner. I took her car up and I’m getting it fixed as the break line rusted and the fluid leaked out. I am forever fixing shit, diagnosing shit and paying for shit, needless to say today was a shitty day. My son always has to be reminded to brush his teeth and he needs to lose about twenty lbs.

I told him that girls don’t like to kiss boys who don’t brush their teeth and girls don’t like to give blow jobs to boys with muffin tops. I didn’t realize what I had said until it tumbled out of my mouth and boy could I kick myself. I do not want my son feeling bad because he has gained weight and I know he will lose it once he gets active again. I am going to drag him to the gym with me and maybe he can play some basketball or something.

I have a feeling I will be playing with him and then there will be others who want to play or so it goes. Love playing shirts and skins and I like to be a skin, lol but it just never works out that way for me lol. I haven’t played basketball in years but what the hell I will play anything at least once, even strip poker lol. Now that used to be so scary yet wild and fun as kids played it all the time.

Im going to start a video diary of my weight loss so I can look back and see how far I have come and by spring I will have a real nice bit of video to look back on. I get alot of compliments regarding my age or should I say I do not look or act my age. I’m not a stuffy, bitchy person and I just love to be silly. The kids and I are always doing or saying silly shit which keeps us laughing instead of crying.

My daughter just asked me if I was sexting, lmao that’s the type of relationship is, open and funny. Someone drew a picture of a penis in marker on my mirror and my daughter thought it was initials at first as it did look like a gd put actually a penis,lol. She realized what she was looking at started laughing. She just imitated a commercial and she said to me I’ve got twice the suction, lmao and then she started laughing and I did as well.

Everyone

Everyone has a story, everyone has a tale to tell and all of us have dealt with adversity, negativity and loss. Everyone wonders if their life will ever change for the better giving them all they have ever hoped for or dreamed. I am no different and yes I have a story, a tale to tell and yes I have lived with adversity, negativity and loss. My story is like many others and yes it is ugly and so depressing at best.

One would think that life is hard for a reason that good will eventually come our way and our hopes, dreams and wishes will be granted. I try to keep positive and try to keep hoping for a better day, a better way, a better life. I continue to pray for happiness and my loneliness to disappear. I may be a dreamer and I may hope and pray for the love of my life to materialize because one day I will be happy and fulfilled.

You can play with someone and you can think you are so wise that they would never figure out who you are but you are wrong. I know when people are pretending to be someone else and I continue to let them think they are so smart because they need to feel that within themselves. Truth be known, I know more than I say more than I will ever share because I sit back and laugh at the one who thinks he is so smart.

He says I must forget my fantasy, forget ever meeting him and forget that he exists. I cannot forget so easily but I can sit back and let him drive himself crazy with wondering and wanting me. He fantasizes more than I ever will and he knows in his heart that I am the woman he has waited for his entire life. One day he will want to make his fantasy a reality but will I still be available then?

Reflections

Looking into the pond

What do I  see?

Someone I once knew

Someone like me

A broken  soul

A lost dream

A forgotten hope

Reflections of an 

Empty me

Never to be happy

Never to be whole

The reflections show

No one I any 

Longer know

 

Why They Stay

So many of us stay in bad relationships or marriages because we fear going it alone, financial stability, our children and we fear being alone. We fail to realize that staying in a bad relationship is unhealthy for all involved and our children can tell things are not good between their parents. I think the biggest fear is going it alone and wondering if anyone will ever love us again, especially men.

I think it’s fair to say that many men remain in bad marriages because the specter of divorce is simply too painful to contemplate, let alone make that first call to a divorce lawyer. Knowing ahead of time that the pain is going to be extreme does not make it appealing, no matter how bad the marriage.

There is an emotional downside for men who remain in a bad marriage that far outweighs the pain of divorce. A man who wakes up each morning and looks over at a woman he despises isn’t ever going to have a good day. He is going to spend his day wondering why he continues on such a painful path. His kids suffer because his emotional state is so tense and raw, that he can’t relate to them very well.

Men more often than not need to know there is a warm bed waiting for them when they depart a marriage. They need to know that another woman will love them and fulfill them and they need to know that their kids will not hate them even though kids do go through emotional changes. Kids bounce back from divorce just as their parents do and yes it takes time.

If the parents can act mature without slamming each other in front of their children then the child can adjust quicker. Children know when their parents are no longer happy together and some kids want their parents to divorce so there is no more tension to live with. Kids want to see their parents together and happy but when the happiness is gone for the parents it is also gone for the kids.

Know one thing, if you choose divorce you will find someone else to love, yes you will over time, your life will change for the better in many ways but there are sacrifices that cannot be avoided and you must be prepared for that. Do not stay in a bad relationship for appearances because frankly no one lives your life but you and others opinions are of no importance.

 

Parent Scare

As a parent we do all we can for our children and protecting them is number one in our books. We must watch over our children with an eagle eye because there are people out there that want to hurt our kids, take advantage of them and use them for their own sick pleasure. Our sons and daughters are living in a world of danger, a world of twisted and very sick individuals.

Our children get online and they are seeking innocent fun, innocent and friendly relationships with other kids that understand them. They are unaware that there are predators online that want to take their innocence and they want to take a simple child’s dream and turn it into a parents worse nightmare. Our children are at risk every second of every day and parents that think their children are always safe are quite naive at best.

Our sons and daughters live in a cruel world, a world where other children are bullies, drug pushers and sexually predators. You think your child is safe from the ugliness of the world? You  think all of your childrens friends are like your own innocent child? You think no one will ever harm your child? Open your eyes and take a good look, look past your child and into who and what is surrounding them.

Take a real good look at your child’s friends, not all of their friends are “good” friends at all,  they want something from your child, they want to manipulate your child for their own selfish reasons and yes they will end up hurting your child. This world has become a dog eat dog world and the world and peer pressure is always on the horizon of your child’s life.

Child suicide is rated number three among children 15-24 yrs of age and physical mutilation such as cutting is also on the rise. Parents need to take the time to listen to the words not being spoken by their kids, pay attention to behavior as the changes start out subtle at first and then escalate. Protect your child by being aware, paying attention and listening, always listen and never yell or criticize, keep the communication door open and encourage your child to talk to you, start the conversation and always be there for your child.

Painful

I was walking Michael and Gabriel and a neighbors huge dog attacked poor Gabe. I had to lift him up by the walker and the dog bit his foot. His poor foot was bleeding but not to badly and I asked the neighbor to bring me a wet cloth. She brought over a container of baby wipes and tended to Gabes foot which I thought was very considerate of her. She said her dog had never done that before and I told her she needs to keep him on a leash because the city has an ordinance and if she got ticketed it would cost her $125.00 dollars.

I told her I wasn’t going to call the police but the neighbors in this hood were so damn nosey and they love to call the cops on their neighbors. She told me she had already had some problems with the neighbors and that they would be moving in several years. I so agree with her and I will be moving in another two years as I am waiting for Ryan to become a senior and the spring of his senior year I will put the house up for sale.

I would love to move sooner but there are no homes for sale at this time but hopefully by 2015 there will be. Things will be so much better in a couple of years as both kids will be grown and Shelby will be a junior in college and she and Ryan can live together in the house. I cannot take this Michigan weather as it is so cold or humid and that causes me so much physical pain.

Everytime it rains my hip hurts so bad I cant stand the pain but haven’t been taking anything for it because I hate taking pills. Ryan concerns me but what can I do? I cannot stop him from dabbling in drugs and I do not approve of it but I also have to support him at the same time. He now has a girlfriend and he has been asked to join a business club and the football team next year.

He is a power house as he is such a big kid 6’1″ and he needs to lose some weight about twenty lbs. and he is still growing. I feel so bad I cannot afford to buy him a suit for Homecoming but big Rick has some suit jackets he said Ryan can borrow and so I am thankful for that. I feel so bad that I cannot afford to replace his stolen xbox but I can keep food on the table which is a blessing.

 

Fear

We let our fears in life define us, lead us and control us when we should be doing the controlling. Fear is something we learn as we grow and when we are born we fear nothing. I have let fear rule a large part of my life but no longer do I let it define me or control me. I do what I want to do and yes there are consequences but hey what is living without taking chances?

You can never let fear lead your life and sitting back and letting it do so is self defeating. We only have this one life to live and to throw caution to the wind is part of the fun, part of our personal challenges and what makes us who we are today. If you let fear stop you from going after your dream then why dream? If you want to be with someone but fear rejection how will you ever know what could have been?

I’m not afraid of a single person, not afraid to meet anyone and do not sit and let fear rule my world. There are so many things I want to do in this life and the only thing holding me back is my financial situation. I do not wish for more money but yes it would be nice to afford to do the things I so want to do and will do when the time is right. My life has been filled with many tragedies but I have accomplished much in this world.

I recently learned why not many guys asked me out in high school, it was because they thought I was to pretty to be with them and they feared being turned down by me. I never pretended to be someone I wasn’t and that in itself scared a lot of guys. I was really surprised to hear this news because I was always friendly and nice to everyone but guys, well guys have so many insecurities when it comes to women.

Can You Feel

Can you feel my warm breath

On your neck?

Can you feel the gentle 

Touch of my lips?

Can you feel the 

Love I have to give?

Can you see my eyes

Weep for you

And you alone?

Can you feel 

My hand on your chest?

Can you feel my hand

On your cheek?

Can you feel

Feel anything?

Do you feel for me?

To Feel It Deeply

When you love someone you think of them constantly and you look back on all of the good times. You do not give up because the relationship isn’t what it used to be, no you change it and remake it what you want. People are so quick to walk away from their relationships because people drift apart and do not know how to change the direction of the tide.

People are so greedy and want everything right now and they no longer work at making things work for them. I am a woman who likes to have healthy relationships and to keep the love alive. You must keep the flame fanned and you must be able to give as well as take. Walking away from a relationship without doing everything within my power to keep it healthy and alive just isn’t me.

I tried so hard in my marriage but my husband gave up, he gave up on himself and then his family. I could not make him happy and he was so down and out that he just couldn’t pull himself back up and I couldn’t lower myself to his place in life. When I love I love deeply and giving is all I want to do, I only want to see the one I love happy but I do not sit on my laurels and let them make stupid moves without voicing my opinion.

Bob and I rarely argued because it wasn’t hard to keep each one of us “happy” but when we did fight it was a drag out fight as we both stood our ground. I am glad I do not like to fight or argue and it is always fun making up if the person really loves you. My husband never really loved me unfortunately but that is a cross I had to bare and I did ok with it until I could no longer feel unloved and live that way.

Feel It

I have a lot of people tell me that I am very pretty but I do not see it or feel it as of yet. As I lose weight I see someone else but I never see pretty. I find so few men attractive and I look at myself and I see an overweight old woman. I do not look old or my age but I have been through so much that I see a woman who has survived many bad things and I see a woman who has so much to give but no one to give it to.

I do not know what makes me pretty in others eyes and I have no way of knowing what is attractive about me because right now it is definitely not my fine physique. I have decided its time to lose the weight and get some muscles and I will not stop until I reach my goal. It will take me until next spring to get where I want to be but that is ok but all I have is time.

I have muscular calves which isn’t attractive in a woman but hey it comes with all the walking and I will take it. Now that I have started my period I have to be so careful if I have sex, lol like that is going to happen. I could get preggers so easily especially at my age and I do not want anymore children as the two I have, have put me through my paces. I worry about Ry because he feels that the only people who like him are the ones using drugs, but the truth is most kids are experimenting but I am so afraid Ry will end up dieing from an overdose or something.

People are stupid because they think their kid would never touch drugs but that is stupid thinking. The wealthy kids seem to get into drugs more because they feel inferior to their famous parents and they feel like they are expected to be as good as their parents. Kids are under so much pressure these days and drugs are a common bond for most of them.

If you think your kid hasn’t dabbled in drugs then you are blind because it seems 99% of kids are doing it. The drug Molly is big right now and so damn dangerous and yes it kills. I have a very open relationship with my kids and they ask me things and tell me things most kids won’t ask their parents. I have told Ry I don’t want him doing drugs but I also made it clear that I would rather him do it at home where he is safe.

It’s a double edged sword but you have to give your kids free reign to grow and learn but you are also supposed to protect them at the same time. I do the best I can and I have no partner to help me so I can only ask God to help me through this time with Ryan. He’s got a girlfriend which is great for his ego and makes him feel pretty damn good about himself and that makes me happy.

Maybe one day my soulmate will come and be by my side and make life easier for me as I have no one I confide in these days. I so need someone to lean on just for a moment so I can take a breather but there is no one I trust that much unfortunately. One day someone will tell me they love me and mean it, not wanting anything from me but only to give to me from their heart.