Been Along Time Coming

My life has been one struggle after another and I feel as if I will never find peace and happiness, I feel as if I am being punished for something I did or did not do in another time, another place. I spent to many years consecutively burying my family members and I have taken care of most of them in their last hours of need. This doesn’t make me a good person it just makes me human and someone who cares.

I treat people the way I want to be treated and I do not believe that anyone should die in a nursing home, no I believe in taking care of my family members until they take their last breath. I am to giving, to caring and to loving for the likes of this world and I no it’s been a long time coming but things will eventually turn in my favor, or so I pray they do. Life is one big circle and yes life does repeat itself about every twenty years.

I look back and cannot remember days that were happy, days that were carefree, days that made me feel loved. I have never felt loved because I have never been loved and that is just the way it is. I ask God to bring me love, bring me happiness, bring me peace of mind and I thank God for giving me what I have needed when I have needed it. I do not ask for wealth or fame and I do not ask for more than I need to get through each and every day because I know God will provide and continue to provide for me in that way.

 

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Watcha C

When I was growing up people were real and they didn’t pretend to be someone they weren’t but in today’s world it seems almost everyone is plastic-fake. Why can’t people be happy with who they are? Why do people play so many games? Why are people so damn greedy, selfish and self centered? It seems everyone I meet just about puts on airs and they are not happy with who they are.

Im so damn real it’s scary for most people because they want fake, they want plastic and they want perfection. People are no longer happy with their appearance so they hire some doctor to cut on them and make them look better. What they fail to realize is surgery is obvious and you can always tell when someone has had work done. Im not beautiful and really not even pretty but I would never let anyone cut on me to change my looks.

When I talk to people I talk from the heart and yes I am an emotional person but at least I am real, at least I am who I say I am and at least I do as I say I will do. When I give you my word you have everything I have to give because I am only as good as my word and I know that. The only time people are real anymore is when they reach their golden years because they have realized that nothing is more important than their health and being loved.

Im not saying I am special and I am not saying that I am better than anyone else but I do always speak the truth. Getting the truth out of most people is impossible but for me it means everything because I hate being lied to. There will come a time when I meet someone who can appreciate me for myself and they will accept me in my entirety but I have yet to meet that person and have no idea how long it will take until that person shows themselves to me.

 

Kamasutra

I think that the number one problem most people have with their partner is the lack of enjoying sex to the max. Sex shouldn’t be just the missionary position as that gets boring real fast or for me at least. Kamasutra should be practiced by everyone if they want to keep their sex life alive and fulfilling, romantic and exciting. So many people lose their connection with their partner in the bedroom because they get bored and having sex and then rolling over to go to sleep is such a sexual killer.

I am very fond of sex and I like to switch it up to keep it exciting for myself as well as my partner and I have never had a single complaint in that area. Im a very sensual as well as sexual woman and I make no apologizes for enjoying and giving enjoyment. I really like karezza but must admit I enjoy Kamasutra as well and different positions bring different types of sexual pleasure to both partners.

Sex with my husband was stale and boring because he didn’t want to try new things he didn’t want anything but the orgasm and then he would roll over and fall asleep. We never cuddled and talked or tried anything new because he just wasn’t open to it and then he became impotent do to a blood clotting disorder. The man must have good blood flow to sustain an erection and older men generally fuck and then go to sleep because they cannot get it up for round two.

I am a very healthy woman with a very healthy appetite for sex and I love to lie in bed all day and make love in different positions and adding toys, food ect. to spice it up. I like whip cream as it is fun, not to sweet and the anticipation of licking it off the body is soooo exciting for both individuals. I do not believe sex should be quick and boring ooo no not at all as sex should be slow and start at the toes and work your way up.

It amazes those that have never had their toes sucked on how erotic it can be and how the feeling shoots up the inner thigh to the groin area. One should start at the toes and work their way up with sensual kissing and touching, there should be lots of touching, fondling, kissing and caressing. Sex is a fine art to me and I do pride myself in my ability to understand the male body and what excites it.

Anyone wanting to have sex with me needs to eat their wheaties, post toasties and cheerios because they are going to need all the stamina they can get. Sex with me is long lasting and very exciting because I make it exciting for both individuals, not just myself. My favorite position is on all fours with the man massaging my clit as he enters me deeply, I like to feel all of him and I can orgasm with him inside me as he manipulates my clit.

I so enjoy great sex and I seem to be the one that has always made it exciting and I have never learned a single thing sexually from any man. I have always been the teacher, the guide and I think it’s because of my attitude towards sex. People are so afraid to share their sexual desires and they think their partner will think they are off their rocker and that is why people do not share their desires, this is really sad because sharing your fantasies, wants and desires is what makes a great relationship in and out of bed.

On My Knees

Can you not hear my cry

In the dark?

I am on my knees

Begging for your help

Your love

Your kindness

On my knees as the tears

Are shed

There is no more of me

I have given all there is

I am no more

Than I was

An empty egg

Living in a cracked shell

No more smiles

Only pain

Follows me through

Each and every day

Lost, confused,unknown

To you

Who am I 

Is the question

That has become a lie

No strength to stand tall

As I am held up

By leaning against the wall

 

Wrong Turn

We meet , we greet, we spend time together and eventually we build a relationship with another person. We become comfortable and the sex is ok, it’s nothing fantastic just fulfilling and we continue to see that person every weekend. The months pass and the relationship isn’t what we really want but we get our needs met just the same. Then we come to the point where we begin to question what we are doing with someone who just isn’t “the one” but good enough to fill the void in our lives.

Once we begin to think that this isn’t what we want we are in the relationship pretty thick and we know in our hearts that we want to end it for different reasons. The person isn’t the one and we know it, we are cheating them as well as ourselves and they are nothing more than an orgasm away. It’s not that the person did something wrong it’s just that they are wrong for us and we know it.

We do not want to hurt that person but we do want to extract ourselves from a full time relationship with them. We say things like “it isn’t you, it’s me” or “you deserve better” or ” I like you as a friend I really do but I do not see us going anywhere”.  We hate the tears and the sorrow on that person’s face and we really hate even saying anything at all and would prefer just to walk away as if you never met that person.

You can always tell when someone you are dating isn’t totally into you and there is someone else on their minds. Yes, you can tell when things will go only so far and then totally fizzle out, that’s if you are paying attention to the person’s actions. Then comes the time when you are lonely or horny and you haven’t seen that person in a while but you call because you want some company or you want sex.

You make the wrong turn and get back with that person for a day or even a few days and the sex is just what the dr. ordered but you give a sigh of relief when the two of you part ways. If there is someone you are always thinking of comes back into your mind you feel as if they own you, they control you, they are the one you need to be with to get all of your needs met. But for some reason you are not with that person and you get so frustrated as you watch that person move forward without you.

You keep saying to yourself that you will be with that person one day, when the timing is right, when you no longer fear rejection and you are with that one and only. You then realize that you have wasted so much time and you try so hard to make it up but you can never get back that time. You spend time with that special one you have waited so long for and you build a relationship and eventually a life together and you find that the world is ok and that you are finally happy, the silly happy you have wanted.

To Enjoy

I enjoy so many things but the two things I really love is fishing and traveling. I would so love to travel the world going somewhere new every week and seeing new lands and meeting new people. I like to learn about different ways of life and that includes being dirt poor. I like to understand different religions and lifestyles and I like to connect with people of all walks of life and it doesnt matter what their standing in life is.

I do not judge people as harshly as I once did and I am so open to learning anything new without judgement or condemnation. I was raised very poor and understand poverty better than most and I understand the meaning of saving a buck and being frugal when necessary. I do not want to win the lottery or be wealthy to the point that it’s a gross amount, no I just want to be comfortable in my old age.

I’m a good person, a loving person, a caring person yet I have such a difficult time meeting anyone that appreciates me for me. I enjoy my home and feel so at ease at home as it should be. There are so many people who do not want to go home because they do not want to deal with the wife, the kids, the bullshit. I hate coming home to an empty house and having the kids home is comforting to me.

There will come a time not to far off that I will have an empty nest and be by myself and that day I do not look forward to. I will continue to grow and learn and maybe one day God will bring me the man who will appreciate me as I do him. When the right man does come along he will be treated so well he will never have eyes for another woman because I do treat people in my life very well.

I so look forward to meeting someone who enjoys home cooking, sitting on the back porch, holding hands, making love to the sound of the rain and things like that. I just want to  make someone else happy because that makes me happy even though that sounds stupid it is so true. Giving a warm oil massage, kissing slowly and lieing naked cuddling is what I so miss and want back so badly.

A New Way

I have finally come up with a way to bring in extra income which works to my advantage. I am dating gay men, yep there still are gay men that need to put on a front that they are straight. This gives me an opportunity to get out and go to nice places and meet different people. The professional gay man wants a woman who can hold her tongue when need be, speak intelligently, be knowledgeable and non judgemental.

This will give me extra money each month so we can turn the heat up to 70 all the time, pay the bills and buy the kids xmas presents. I have been so worried about our finances and I will be selling the house in the spring because it is sucking me dry financially. It’s way to big and hard to keep clean and I will finally be able to go grocery shopping without worry that other bills will be late.

I hate when I cannot pay my bills and they are late because I am a very responsible person and I am good with money but when your bills and your funds are difficult to balance then there is a problem. I am finally going to be able to breathe and not worry so much about where the next dollar is coming from. It’s always so expensive to live in this house during the winter because it costs so much to heat this mausoleum.

The kids have no idea what I am doing which is exactly as I want it to be so I can surprise them at xmas. I wasn’t able to get them anything last year but this year it looks like it will be very different. I am not exploiting gay men instead I offer a safe service for them as well as myself. I know it sounds crazy but it works and that is all that matters and I do not have to fuck anyone for anything.

The Loss

Everyone takes life for granted, we take for granted that our partner will always be there, that we will always have a job, a home, a car, a life. We never expect or are prepared for unexpected changes in our lives. We are never prepared for the day we find out our partner is cheating on us, that our job is no longer available to us and we definitely are not prepared for not having enough money to pay our bills.

One thing we never are prepared for is the of a limb, the loss that comes from medical neglect or even our own physical neglect. I occasionally think about my husband’s life and how he went through so many of those unexpected changes. He got a double anursym behind his knee and the dr. let him lie in the hospital bed for two days before he finally got off the golf course long enough to come see my husband.

By the time the dr. finally did show up it was too late, to late to save a leg, to late to care for his patient properly. I can remember so clearly walking into my husband’s hospital room and the stench of decaying flesh assaulted my nose without any warning. I had no idea what the putrid smell was because at that time I thought gangrene was green not black. I looked at the bottom of my husband’s foot only to see the bottom side of his toes were black.

He was screaming in terrific pain and I just couldn’t stand to hear him in such agony. I went to the nurses desk and they said he couldn’t have anymore pain killer for another hour and I got so pissed. I told them he needed pain meds NOW, not in a fucking hour and to contact his dr. They attempted to reach the dr. but he didn’t return the call for at least another hour. When he finally came to the hospital he told me matter of factly that my husband’s foot had to be amputated.

He acted as if he had nothing to do with my husband’s current condition and I told him I wanted a second opinion and I wanted my husband transferred downtown. The dr., the piece of shit that called himself a dr. said that would be fine and then my husband was to be returned to the local hospital for the amputation. There was no way I was going to bring my husband back to the local hospital or allow this dr. to possibly kill my husband.

In the end he had to have his leg amputated from the knee down and I was thankful that he didn’t lose more of his leg and that he was alive. The day his leg was amputated I stood at the window of the hospital and looked over roof and down at the trees. The sky turned dark and the raindrops slowly hit the window. I asked God to please give me a sign that my husband would live, just one little sign I asked.

I said to God the next raindrop that hits the window will either stay in one place or would move down the window, if the raindrop slid down the window my husband would live if not he would die. The next raindrop hit the window and made a jagged path down the window and I knew right then that my husband would survive and I could breathe once again. The last decade of my marriage was constantly surrounded by ems, hospitals, therapy, dr. appointments and constant adjustments.

I was always there for him and I made a point to find out as much as I could about his various health issues. I thank God that he took my husband because he suffered over and over from his health issues and it took a toll on him as well as us. The kids constantly saw their dad taken away in an ambulance and spent so many hours at the hospital and that is not how any child should see their parent.

My life has been very difficult at times but I was always there for my husband and I am a very good medical advocate because I have made it a point to understand different medical ailments and there signs. Our life is difficult at best as and we are barely making it financially and there will be no Christmas again this year because there isn’t enough money and that makes me feel terrible. 

As a parent we want to do for our children, we want to give them everything but in my case even though I wish I could do for my kids I just cannot and now I feel like such a loser. I know this is part of my life and life will continue to be difficult for at least another year but there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances and that’s probably because I am to learn from this time or so I assume.

The Acceptance

Young love is so great because we learn to share ourselves with someone else and to build a life together, have children, raise our family and hopefully grow old together. This doesn’t happen often any longer as the world has changed so much. We still fall in love, have children and then we grow apart and realize we are no longer in love with that one person we thought to be our everything.

Night after night we sit at the same dinner table, walk the same hallways, talk of the children and then we go to bed sleeping on the edge of the bed. Things change as we no longer cuddle with the one we love, we no longer make love with passion and desire and we become nothing more than a sexual object that turns into nothing but a physical release. We are no longer happy with that person and we no longer think about them constantly and want to be with them.

We stay in a stagnant relationship for the sake of the children and we try to make things work the only way we know how but in our hearts we know the end isn’t to far off. We wait as long as we can before we make that final departure. We use excuses like we have to many bills to pay alone, the kids would be totally devastated and they couldn’t live with just one full time parent, we use so many excuses but the truth is we fear starting over and going it alone.

Then there are some of us that made the decision to move on and then wam, we find out that, that one person we have shared so much of our life with is dieing and we do what is right, what is humane and what a person of compassion does. We bring that person home to die and we care for them and try to make their last days easy. The end comes not unexpected but dreaded and we find ourselves all alone in this world.

We try to do the best we can as everyday is a fight, a battle and no there is no comfort in a big empty house or empty bed. We hold onto our pillows and shed our tears onto the sheets and we wonder will there ever be another person that loves us, that wants to share our life, someone who shows us that love is still out there and we just have to wait until the timing is right to meet that new love.

We eventually meet our second love, the person that will be with us until we die, the one that becomes wrinkled and aged but still loves us for the person we are, not the beauty we used to be in youthful years. We spend our time with that one special love that holds are hand as we walk together, that one person that is always concerned about us and our health and the one that will love us for eternity.