When They Are Gone

These days I occasionally think of my husband and as I sit in my great room I remember so many things about him. He loved my apple pie and whatever I made for dinner, he wore jeans all of the time, he loved cutting the grass and he was forever keeping himself busy. He never liked to read and he preferred to disengage from the family unit, he was always doing things for other people and everyone thought he was the greatest guy.

I still run across a random shirt of his or an item that belonged to him and I sit holding that item in my hand remembering a different time. I miss my husband sometimes but not all of the time like I used to and I think back to the last eight minutes of his life. I am not without empathy and I am not without caring and love but things were what they were between us.

I remember when we went on our honeymoon two years after we got married and I remember walking on the beach in Aruba. I remember we laughed, yes we did actually laugh and we worked to get ourselves financially stable. I remember the deaths of each of my  family members and how he was there when they died and he attempted to hold me when I cried.

We lived under one roof but there was no love not really and his attempt to be there for me went unwanted because he never showed me love any other time. He wasn’t a bad man it was that things just weren’t meant to be more than they were between us. It saddens me to think of the years with him and such few good memories which isn’t the way it is supposed to be.

Hopefully, my next relationship will be a happy one and one that gives me what I really need in my life. All I need is love and to love and my life would be complete but that has yet to happen to me. I need to be loved, kissed, held, hugged and made love to because this is what makes me thrive and grow as a person and doing for others is what makes me so very happy but I have no one to do anything for on a personal level but that will change some day.

Where Is It?

Do you ever wonder where the love is that you do not have in your life? Do you ever wonder why you have no one to love in your life? Do you ever wonder when the absence of love will re-enter your life? These are things I wonder about and I have no answers for the questions and I have no idea when this will change for me. I’m pretty much a homebody and I do not go out much so that in itself is a problem.

I find that I do not enjoy going to bars and most of the day I spend on the computer, cleaning, cooking or exercising. I have lost some weight but not enough to please myself as of yet. I keep myself cocooned because I fear the dating scene and I fear the loss of my heart and getting hurt because I feel things to deeply and I am such an emotional person. Those that know me know I am a damn good person and my friends are lifers with me because I treat them very well.

I am sitting here and all of a sudden Christmas enters my mind, another lonely Christmas and no money to buy the kids anything  this year. Its so damn hard trying to make ends meet lately and my son seems to have gotten himself involved in some shit which lead him to steal money from me. I never have much money but the little I have is so important but my son well he’s into more shit again.

What really pisses me off is my son has put myself and my daughter in possible danger and I wouldn’t be surprised to find flat tires or broken windshields on our cars. My son just doesn’t think about the consequences of his actions and now I have to figure out how to protect my family. Ryan got involved with some high school kids that says Ryan owes him for weed.

Ryan stole money from me to pay off this kid but this kid wants more money which is pissing  me off. Ryan has been letting this kid use my basement to party when I am sleeping and now Ryan has this grand plan to rip this kid off and set him up to get busted. Ryan is planning to steal all the money this kid carries around in his car and when the kid passes out he plans on doing his deed.

Ryan makes me so upset and I just sit and cry out of frustration because I do not know how to handle him or what to do to make him realize he has to think of others because his actions affect all of us in this house. As much as I want to be in a relationship, my family will always come first and that is just the way it is because my kids have no one but me and I am always there for them.