Illusion

I have found myself attracted to someone and I have no idea why because when I look at his pics he isn’t that attractive to me. I do not know this person and have never spent a single moment with him yet I feel such a connection with this man. I’m trying so hard to let go of the illusion of him and the fantasies I have had of him because we shall never meet and I know that deep within my heart.

I am nothing but a toy to him, someone to play with online and someone who keeps him duly entertained throughout his day. I just wish I could meet someone who swept me off my feet and then I could put the green eyed monster behind me forever. He refuses to leave me alone and he knows the hell that I have been through yet I cannot seem to let go of this person.

I am not one to drink but tonight I am sitting here with a pitcher of heavily laced margaritas to kill the pain of the day. My son hasn’t taken his meds in months and refuses to and now he is involved with a little fuck that keeps milking him for cash and the cash is being stolen from me. I told the kid not to come over my house again but he refused to listen so when I found him in my basement smoking weed and weighing it up I called the cops.

Now this kid is threatening to do things to my son, my home and cars and it really pisses me off that I have to continue to pay for my sons ignorance. My son let the kid leave before the police got here but no matter I have a pic of his license plates and the cops got a hold of the cops in the city the kid lives in. I pressed charges on the kid for stealing and trespassing so we will see where we go from here.

I tell my son over and over but he doesn’t listen to me and does whatever he damn well pleases. This is what my husband has left me with, a child with no sense and no respect and I can do nothing about it. I’m so sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make everything alright for everybody that I really have fallen into a depression that I have no desire to climb out of.

Between my son and the green eyed monster I really want to blow my fucking brains out because I just cannot take this anymore. I do not live I just exist and have no one I can talk to or confide in. I have no one and I hate living this way and really  wish I could sleep forever but I cannot because I have my daughter to care for and I cannot leave her with her brother to care for.

All I do anymore is just sit and cry, cry myself to sleep, cry as soon as I  wake up, cry in the shower, cry anywhere all the fucking time. I just want to escape so badly into the arms of someone that loves me but there is no one in sight now is there? No one really gives a fuck about me and I do not see anyone anytime soon giving a rats ass about me and my fucked up life..