I do not know why I have been thinking of my husband lately but I have, maybe it’s the fall weather as fall is when things go dormant or they die. When you care for someone who is dieing the anticipation of their death hangs over you like a heavy weight. You are living in constant fear of their last moments and you actually fall into a state of shock when they do pass. For me, I can remember the shock of his death and how it was so surreal.

I think back to those last few minutes when I gave him morphine because at that time, in my mind I thought he was in pain and I couldn’t stand the thought of him hurting. The morphine did nothing because he was living his last few moments. I can remember washing his face after he died and in my mind I couldn’t accept he was gone and I acted as if he were still alive. I can remember holding his hand until it became cold as if I needed to know for sure he was gone.

I still get so mad at him when I think of the troubles he has left me with along with the damage he did to my son and now my life is a living hell as I try to deal with my son. My husband was selfish in so many ways but he was also so giving at the same time. This will be our second Christmas without him and my daughter wants to put up a tree even though there is no money for presents.

I have been racking my brain on how I can get some money together to get the kids presents and I come up with a big fat 0. I do not know what I shall do about the situation but God will always watch over us and at least we are healthy. Having your health is so important but it would be so nice if I could get the kids gifts to open on Christmas. I want for nothing and really need nothing so that makes it easy for the kids as they can never let me down by getting me nothing.

My birthday is in a few weeks and I hadn’t thought about that until my daughter brought it up and she told me I do not look like I will be 54. She tries so hard to build me up because she knows I have been so down and she is truly a lovely girl. She works so hard and is so dedicated and she makes me laugh and keeps me from sinking into a deep depression. Life isn’t where I need it to be but one day, yes one day it will be and I can never lose sight of that.