It sux so bad to be attracted to someone you haven’t met, great conversations on the phone, emails and texts and then WAM, out of the blue you are told this is no time to start a relationship. Hell, we haven’t even met and now I am feeling so let down as I had to go through a shitload of emails to find the one person I found myself attracted to. Someone I thought could be a great friend and possible lover.
I knew something was up when I hadn’t heard from him for the last six hours as he was emailing me regularly and I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why do people start things when they are married and they know it can go nowhere? I wasn’t blind to the fact that he was married and the possibility of this happening was in the forefront of my mind but I gotta admit it hurts just a little but it still hurts and it is a huge letdown.
Why can’t I meet a decent man? Why can’t I meet someone who wants to love me as much as I want to love them? Why can’t I find just a bit of happiness?? I feel like such a loser and I am not a loser at all but failure seems to loom over my head constantly. I have to put my heart back under lock and key and throw it into the ocean to sink to the bottom. I do not know where my life is headed but I can see going it alone is the way my life is headed.
It looks like another very cold and lonely winter, another lonely set of holidays and another year past counting the days as they go by wishing and wondering when I will have someone to love, someone I can give love to and someone who wants to make me as happy as I them. I have such sadness in my heart and feel so all alone as if I am on an island all by myself and lost. It so sux when you invest yourself and get nothing in return and I think all of us have felt that at one time or another, haven’t we???
It’s drizzling outside and I stood at my sliding glass door admiring the colors of fall, reds, golds and the last of the green leaves are on the trees across the field behind my home. The dogs are bummed because I cannot take them for their daily walk and Shelby is playing Candy Crush and beating the levels which makes her feel so accomplished. Im in my ratty nightgown that is warm and I have wrapped myself in my burgundy robe.
My hair hasn’t been brushed or my teeth as of yet this morning and my breakfast consisted of a piece of yesterday’s pizza. I feel so sad as I think of Christmas and the lack of funds to purchase gifts for the kids but what can one do? The weather is turning colder and it makes me want to cuddle with someone but there is no one available for me to wrap my arms around. I look forward to Monday when I will be meeting “Bill” for the first time.
We have spoken on the phone and he has such a masculine voice and deep laugh that comes from within, not fake or phony one bit. He is tall and I like that and he is a romantic type of guy which is perfect. We will see if there is an attraction beyond friends but both of us are looking forward to a rich friendship first. It’s nice to have someone tell you that you are attractive and desirable when you do not feel it.
He is married but the relationship has fallen into one of convenience and they sleep in separate rooms, not a marriage at all but tax purposes keep them together for their kids college expenses. They have a relationship that requires no one rubbing someone new into the others face and Im not looking to marry again anytime soon so it could possibly work. I find myself looking forward to his emails and texts and it’s nice to have something to look forward to.
Somewhere in the back of my mind is the man I have cared for, the man who I need to meet and the man who could change my life. He refuses to come to me for whatever reason and I still think about him often but cannot allow myself to have contact with him. He is my stallker, my lover, my friend yet we have never met and I do not know if we shall ever meet. I know he thinks of me often and I know he fantasizes about me as I do him.
I do not know what he fears, maybe being letdown, maybe afraid of getting hurt or maybe he is afraid of hurting me. It would take a lot to hurt me because we are not even friends in real life and I know deep in my heart that there would be an attraction that would be undeniable. Maybe, just maybe he knows it to and wants to play around and experience other women or maybe he is in a relationship that will go nowhere and he knows that as well.