It’s drizzling outside and I stood at my sliding glass door admiring the colors of fall, reds, golds and the last of the green leaves are on the trees across the field behind my home. The dogs are bummed because I cannot take them for their daily walk and Shelby is playing Candy Crush and beating the levels which makes her feel so accomplished. Im in my ratty nightgown that is warm and I have wrapped myself in my burgundy robe.

My hair hasn’t been brushed or my teeth as of yet this morning and my breakfast consisted of a piece of yesterday’s pizza. I feel so sad as I think of Christmas and the lack of funds to purchase gifts for the kids but what can one do? The weather is turning colder and it makes me want to cuddle with someone but there is no one available for me to wrap my arms around. I look forward to Monday when I will be meeting “Bill” for the first time.

We have spoken on the phone and he has such a masculine voice and deep laugh that comes from within, not fake or phony one bit. He is tall and I like that and he is a romantic type of guy which is perfect. We will see if there is an attraction beyond friends but both of us are looking forward to a rich friendship first. It’s nice to have someone tell you that you are attractive and desirable when you do not feel it.

He is married but the relationship has fallen into one of convenience and they sleep in separate rooms, not a marriage at all but tax purposes keep them together for their kids college expenses. They have a relationship that requires no one rubbing someone new into the others face and Im not looking to marry again anytime soon so it could possibly work. I find myself looking forward to his emails and texts and it’s nice to have something to look forward to.

Somewhere in the back of my mind is the man I have cared for, the man who I need to meet and the man who could change my life. He refuses to come to me for whatever reason and I still think about him often but cannot allow myself to have contact with him. He is my stallker, my lover, my friend yet we have never met and I do not know if we shall ever meet. I know he thinks of me often and I know he fantasizes about me as I do him.

I do not know what he fears, maybe being letdown, maybe afraid of getting hurt or maybe he is afraid of hurting me. It would take a  lot to hurt me because we are not even friends in real life and I know deep in my heart that there would be an attraction that would be undeniable. Maybe, just maybe he knows it to and wants to play around and experience other women or maybe he is in a relationship that will go nowhere and he knows that as well.


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