The Loss

Everyone takes life for granted, we take for granted that our partner will always be there, that we will always have a job, a home, a car, a life. We never expect or are prepared for unexpected changes in our lives. We are never prepared for the day we find out our partner is cheating on us, that our job is no longer available to us and we definitely are not prepared for not having enough money to pay our bills.

One thing we never are prepared for is the of a limb, the loss that comes from medical neglect or even our own physical neglect. I occasionally think about my husband’s life and how he went through so many of those unexpected changes. He got a double anursym behind his knee and the dr. let him lie in the hospital bed for two days before he finally got off the golf course long enough to come see my husband.

By the time the dr. finally did show up it was too late, to late to save a leg, to late to care for his patient properly. I can remember so clearly walking into my husband’s hospital room and the stench of decaying flesh assaulted my nose without any warning. I had no idea what the putrid smell was because at that time I thought gangrene was green not black. I looked at the bottom of my husband’s foot only to see the bottom side of his toes were black.

He was screaming in terrific pain and I just couldn’t stand to hear him in such agony. I went to the nurses desk and they said he couldn’t have anymore pain killer for another hour and I got so pissed. I told them he needed pain meds NOW, not in a fucking hour and to contact his dr. They attempted to reach the dr. but he didn’t return the call for at least another hour. When he finally came to the hospital he told me matter of factly that my husband’s foot had to be amputated.

He acted as if he had nothing to do with my husband’s current condition and I told him I wanted a second opinion and I wanted my husband transferred downtown. The dr., the piece of shit that called himself a dr. said that would be fine and then my husband was to be returned to the local hospital for the amputation. There was no way I was going to bring my husband back to the local hospital or allow this dr. to possibly kill my husband.

In the end he had to have his leg amputated from the knee down and I was thankful that he didn’t lose more of his leg and that he was alive. The day his leg was amputated I stood at the window of the hospital and looked over roof and down at the trees. The sky turned dark and the raindrops slowly hit the window. I asked God to please give me a sign that my husband would live, just one little sign I asked.

I said to God the next raindrop that hits the window will either stay in one place or would move down the window, if the raindrop slid down the window my husband would live if not he would die. The next raindrop hit the window and made a jagged path down the window and I knew right then that my husband would survive and I could breathe once again. The last decade of my marriage was constantly surrounded by ems, hospitals, therapy, dr. appointments and constant adjustments.

I was always there for him and I made a point to find out as much as I could about his various health issues. I thank God that he took my husband because he suffered over and over from his health issues and it took a toll on him as well as us. The kids constantly saw their dad taken away in an ambulance and spent so many hours at the hospital and that is not how any child should see their parent.

My life has been very difficult at times but I was always there for my husband and I am a very good medical advocate because I have made it a point to understand different medical ailments and there signs. Our life is difficult at best as and we are barely making it financially and there will be no Christmas again this year because there isn’t enough money and that makes me feel terrible. 

As a parent we want to do for our children, we want to give them everything but in my case even though I wish I could do for my kids I just cannot and now I feel like such a loser. I know this is part of my life and life will continue to be difficult for at least another year but there is nothing I can do to change my circumstances and that’s probably because I am to learn from this time or so I assume.