The Draw

We tend to be attracted to people who grab our eye but then as we get to know the person it doesn’t matter how attractive they are if their personality doesn’t at something to them as a person. A person could be physically very attractive but if they have an annoying voice, monopolize every conversation, talk constantly about themselves and are a me me me first person then their outer beauty means nothing.

I met a very nice gentleman yesterday for dinner and he wasn’t unattractive but not attractive to me but I thought I would give him a chance because he did seem so nice. Well, he was someone who talked endlessly about himself, his investments and so on and it got to be really boring for me. He wasn’t interested too much in me and ask me very few questions and continually cut me off in  mid sentence.

I was so glad when the evening was over I couldn’t get away from him fast enough and I even had a hard time excusing myself to go to the ladies room. I didn’t have to pee but just needed a break from his non stop jabbering. I’m an easy person to talk to and I ask questions and listen and I do not take control of the conversation and I encourage the person to open up to me at least as much as they feel comfortable with.

Some people just need to be the center of attention constantly and they need to talk about themselves endlessly and I think it’s because it’s the only way they can build themselves up. The gentleman I was with last night was upset at the end of the night when he asked me out for Saturday and I told him that I thought he was a nice guy but I didn’t feel any chemistry with him, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings but I wasn’t going out with him again.

He told me he didn’t understand why I wasn’t attracted to him and that he felt that he was “perfect” for me, lol. It’s hard to end a night with someone who you do not want to see again but if you don’t then you are leading them on and that isn’t right. He told me he thought I was gorgeous and that he could be the perfect one for me to make my life so much happier and so I let him believe whatever he so chose to and I ended the night as graciously as I could, no kiss, no hug not even a hand shake.

There Comes A Time

We go through life and as we get older we settle for less than what makes us happy, we settle for a dead end job, a relationship that no longer brings us happiness and a life we wish we had changed when we were younger. Why do we settle? Because it’s easy, it’s comfortable and secure even if it brings us no happiness and never will because those days are long gone. We grow we change and we become someone different yet we still fear changing.

If you choose to live your life in constant safety then you are not living you are existing and until you can open yourself up to change and make the changes that will make you happy, you will continue to breathe without feeling the oxygen in your lungs, you will continue to exist but not live and you will become stagnant and never grow. We become so fearful that we paint ourselves into a nowhere corner and find little satisfaction in our lives.

So many people think if they were rich that life would be so much better, so much happier but this is nothing but a lie that we tell ourselves. It isn’t money that makes life happy, it isn’t fancy clothes or cars and it isn’t being with a beautiful person that makes life worth living. We must let go of our fears and move in the direction that our heart takes us be it in a relationship that has become empty but we fear to leave or even a house we can no longer stand to live in.

I am no different from most people and I have my fears and concerns like everyone else and yes I am going to make the changes required to be happy, really happy. I am putting the house up for sale in early spring and even if I have to take a loss Im ready to do so. For those that are in a relationship because it is safe and secure but they are no longer happy in it, I say to you what are you waiting for?

Makes Me

Good music touches me but great music, well great music makes me want to move seductively and it makes me think of certain people in  my life at one time or another. Life can be so lonely, so barren and so empty but music changes that for me. Music touches my soul in ways no man has ever done and music helps me express myself in many different ways. I’m a person that requires an  outlet for self expression and music helps me do just that.

I really like the lyrics and tune of the song listed below and I hope you can enjoy it and it helps you in some way express yourself.  All of us needs a positive outlet and the lyrics can touch us in so many different ways and I for one like to slowly swivel my hips to good music. I am not an artistic person but self expression for me comes in the form of writing, writing is my outlet and sometimes I actually write some pretty good stuff.

 

So Special

Has anyone ever made you feel really special? Really desirable? Really cared for? Well, I finally have someone in  my life that makes me feel that way and it feels really good and makes me feel like a real woman once again. I love his calls, texts and emails and I love the way he treats me and talks to me like I am something so very special the only problem is I have told him not to fall in love with me and I do fear that he will.

I thought I wanted to be in love again and I thought that is what was missing from my life but I am finding it isn’t at all. My self esteem is what has been missing and I am rebuilding it as I look in the mirror at my naked body and see the changes I have wanted to see for so long. I workout every day and I feel so much better about myself mentally as well as physically and there are so many hot guys at the gym in the evening, just a bunch of eye candy that motivates me even more.

I was going to go swimming and put on my suit but it wouldn’t stay up as I am losing some of this ass, yippee, my boobs have gotten smaller which is to be expected as boobs are the first to go when a woman loses weight. My birthday is in a few weeks and I have no doubt we will have a great time and maybe just maybe I will open the door to make this relationship physical, don’t know yet how I will feel by then.

The thought of him removing my dress and I am standing in my stockings, garter and satin panties is exciting but am I ready for that? I do not know because it’s a mental thing that you think about but are you really ready to make that move? It’s something I think about more often than not and it’s something that I feel hesitant of at the same time.

Enamored

Have you ever been enamored with someone? You are totally besotted with this person, infatuated beyond belief and think of them all day and night? You fantasize about spending time with them in front of a fireplace sharing a bottle of wine and talking all night long? You want to have this person in your arms, in your bed and in your life? You want this person so bad it drives you to total distraction?

I have someone who is totally enamored with me and I cannot see what he sees or feel what he is feeling. He wants to be with me so bad I do not think he is sleeping right and he surely isn’t working with his mind on his work. He likes my curves and doesnt want me to lose to much weight but I have to feel confident with myself and I will keep losing until I am where I choose to be weight wise.

He thinks I’m pretty special and that alone builds my confidence and makes me feel desirable and appreciated. There is someone else I have been focused on for years but I have excepted that we shall never meet, we shall never hold hands or kiss and we shall never make love. He is either married still even though I thought he was divorced or he is involved with someone and probably has had a kid with that person.

I do wish him well and I do hope he is happy because I cannot make him happy from a distance, I cannot love him from afar and I surely will never worship him like so many have. He is getting older and no longer the cute guy he once was. He isn’t bad looking so do not get me wrong there but he isn’t so attractive that he would stand out in a crowd or that’s the way I see him these days. 

He is a sexy guy and that is what probably still attracts the women to him and once they know he is wealthy well I have no doubt they leech on him hoping to get a piece of his financial action. It’s just to bad we can never meet and become real friends because I am so real and honest he would never have to worry about me using him because I do not play that way. I’m sure he is a very giving and warm guy but he refuses to show that to me so it is what it is.

Not So Dumb

My son decided he wasn’t going to school any longer and go to school online, he is listening to someone who is 21, no drivers license, doesn’t have a job or is going to school and lives with his mother. What a great role model but at least he isn’t into drugs which I am grateful for and I’m hoping he can give Ryan some good advice  but then again he is only 21. I let Ryan stay home Monday and Tuesday and took him to the gym with me but last night I had had all the shit I could take from this child.

I told him the school called earlier and said if he wasn’t in school they were going to call the police and say he was truant and he would be picked up and taken to a boys home in Detroit. It was all a lie of course but what else was I to do? He got up and went to school this morning thank you God because I do not know what to do with this kid. This is what happens when a father doesn’t engage with his son, yes this is what Bob did to my son by ignoring him for the most part.

Ryan is mouthy, knows it all and does pretty much as he damn well pleases because I do not know how to handle him. I can’t lay all the blame on Bob but he is the reason Ryan thinks the way he does and he never spent any time with Ryan while he was growing up. I have tried so hard to be a good mother and Ryan makes me feel like such a failure which isn’t necessarily so because my kids have always come first in my life.

Having kids makes it difficult to date anyone but it’s part of life and they must accept that I do have children. We are never guaranteed the “perfect” child or children and no matter what our children do to us we always love them even though sometimes we must turn our back on them. If my husband was alive he wouldn’t tolerate Ryan talking to me the way he does and he did get physical with Ryan twice and I told him never to touch my son again.

Bob was such an asshole he threw Ryan down on the ground and kicked him like he was a dog and that is exactly what my son did to me almost a year ago. I realize my son has an illness but he also has a good heart and is so kind to people. He gets used alot and taken advantage of which so pisses me off but he has to learn the hard way because of course I know nothing and he knows it all.

Another Day

My know it all son refuses to go to school and wants to do it online, well Mr. fucking know it all it’s to late for this semester so your ass has to go back to the local high school. This little fuck is driving me crazy with his damn demands and wants. This is what my stupid ass  fucking husband left me with, a kid with no damn direction but knows it all. I joined the gym yesterday and Im making him come with me because he isnt going to sleep til noon and up all night.

I didn’t realize my ass had so many muscles in it as it aches so much from walking on the treadmill. Im not even using an incline but damn I can hardly walk I’m so sore. Then I’ve got this married guy who I really like but I’m not going to cross that sacred line because when I invest my heart I invest it deeply. I refuse to be a booty call for anyone and yes I miss sex, yes I love it and yes I want it but NOOOOOO to married men.

I’m getting hit on my every loser there is in this world and Im ready to pack up my toys and go home, delete all of my dating profiles and call it quits. I’m sick of the weirdo’s and those that want kinky sex even though they do not even know my middle name. The financial stress is finally getting it to me as I am so overwhelmed with how to pay the damn bills I do not know what to do any longer.

Im tired of being the one who has to have all of the answers and solutions to everything that goes wrong around here and I’m sick of my know it all son’s bullshit. I can’t make him do a damn thing and we wouldn’t make it if we didn’t have his social security every month. I hate having to rely on his income to make it but my lovely husband fucked me royally during the divorce and now here I sit wanting to jump off a damn cliff.

The kids are aware that there  will be no presents again this year and there is nothing I can do about it. I feel like such a super loser because I should have the answers and I should be able to support my family. I’m so completely overwhelmed right now all I can do is cry from frustration. I wish I knew why my life has to be so difficult and lonely but of course I will never get the answers to my questions.

Falling Apart

The loneliness knaws

At me like a rat

In trash

The emptiness fills

Me like a pitcher

Of tea

The saddens engulfs me

Like a ship swallowed 

By the sea

This is my life

This is what is

Known as me

My bed is empty

Night after night

I try to find someone

But he seems to

Have taken flight

He watches and waits

And I presume

he wants to see

Me happy

But that hasn’t 

Happened in so 

Very long

And I have given up

Hope and have

Accepted I shall

Always be alone

An empty bed

An empty heart

An empty life

I am falling apart 😦

Hateful

Why are some people so damn mean? I have a couple of guys on my fb that made some really mean and hateful comments on some of my pics so I deleted and blocked them. I do not need to be put down or insulted and doing so doesn’t make them any better of a person. I just do not get why people try to build themselves up by putting others down and I am generally not a mean or hateful individual.

People get off on hurting others and it’s a sickness I tell you, yep a sickness of sorts and they aren’t all that themselves so they shouldn’t talk. When you think you are better than everyone else then you need to deflate your ego. I’m sick of being hurt and I’m sick of being lied to and I am just sick period of trying to find a decent guy because I do not think there are any left in this world. I would rather be by myself then to deal with all the crap out there.

Strolling

No matter how hard I try to meet someone I just cannot find the connection I need to have with another human being. I have tried on and off for almost a year now with absolutely no luck as people are just stupid or they cannot read. I do not care for short men, gingers or guys that think sending me a picture of their cock is a turn on for me. Why do men think that their cock is what attracts a woman? 

It seems everyone wants to talk sex, want to experience a cougar or want to know what your sexual likes and dislikes are but don’t ask for your name. Everyone of us needs to have a connection with another person, we need love and understanding, someone who understands us and listens to us, someone to share every part of our lives with. Trying to meet someone with half a brain has become a challenge and most are just plain stupid fucks.

I’m not the greatest catch in the world but I’m not a bad one either and I am more than a sexual person, there is more to me then a set of tits and a wet spot. I guess I am destined to be alone for another year or so it seems to me and I guess I have to either put my expectations aside and settle for someone who doesn’t do a damn thing for me or I will have to go it alone and that my friends is what appears to be happening, going it alone.

I have no idea why it is so hard for me to find someone who I am attracted to but I am obviously extremely picky and yes your looks are what is important. Im not looking for someone twenty years younger than myself and Im not looking for a rich guy either. I just want to have a connection with someone who is solid and mature, someone who wants to get to know me not my va j j, someone I can laugh and enjoy.

I continue to lose weight which makes me feel so much better and tomorrow I will joining the gym and will be working out with weights as well. I hate the way my body looks and feels and if I want to attract the type of man I want in my  life then I have got to lose this weight. I am an attractive woman but so much more attractive when not carrying around an elephant on my ass and belly.

When you lose weight sex is so much better as well and your self image soars and that is what I need a self image booster. I lost thirty lbs. in three months before so I know I can do it again and lose even more and I am determined to lose it and so I shall. Winter is upon us and there is nothing to do inside but watch boring tv so going to the gym will be good for my mind as well as my body.