Can’t Do

I enjoyed my time with “C” but it just isn’t going to work and I know it. We just cannot be together and that is never going to change so Im keeping it a clothes on friendship and yes we will continue to talk but I cannot let things go further. The thing is when you see someone and stop seeing them you can never go back.

The problems that were there the first time around resurface and then the regret kicks in and the cycle repeats itself. I wish things were different but they arent and they will not change and I know that. It is just like being married, the problems are there and you can separate and get back together and think things will work out but they usually don’t.

I do not want to go back down the road we were on before and I like him I really do but I will not put myself through anymore crap with him. We had a nice talk about it and both agreed it is best if we remain friends with clothes on. It was actually nice to sit and talk about what went wrong and how it will happen again and both of us agreeing to stay friends.

That is how all of my relationships have ended or most anyway as we part as friends or at least friendly and that’s better than hating each other. I really do not like to argue and try to avoid it at all costs, its not that I do not like confrontation I just do not like to argue when two people can talk things out usually.

I try to handle things in a mature manner and it is rarely that I lose control of my emotions as far as anger and when I do it isn’t pretty at all so I keep that part of myself under control. Both my husband and myself rarely argued even though we didnt always get along we only had one or two real serious arguments and I am glad as we both had very bad tempers.

My C


Got to love “C” he is so fucking hot now isn’t he? I didn’t want to show his face because of privacy issues I have but he is very attractive from head to toe. We had a great day today and went skating as he loves to play hockey, Im no hockey player but I like to skate once in a while and it was fun, he makes me laugh and he is so sweet.

I love the way his muscles ripple down his chest and down his lower stomach and I love the way he feels and smells. Once cannot be without companionship for to long or we go bonkers or at least I do. You do not have to have the perfect body like “C” does but you do have to be a good person with a good heart.

I don’t even mind grey short hair and I do like the younger set as they are fun and I learn from them as they do from me. “C” and I have a unique relationship that most people never will experience and I so do enjoy it. It’s just to bad Gabriel won’t step up his game, ya you you stupid son of a bitch!!! O well, I have “C” back in my life and enjoying my time with him.

To Express

Everyone expresses themselves differently and I use my eyes and my touch to convey much to another person. My eyes can show empathy, laughter, warmth and they can also be as cold as ice at times. When you are intimidate with someone how you touch them tells so much as well and most people do not know how to touch another person.

Yes, you can run your hands over their body in a hurried fashion and yes you can grope another but that is not expressing the warm side of yourself only the sexual desire you have. In this country we are not taught the art of touching and one must educate themselves or be lucky enough to run across someone who is already educated.

When I am being romantic I like to look into the person’s eyes and run the back of my hand down their cheek and neck. I like to kiss them slowly on the lips ears and neck because that is where we feel the touch of another the most unless we are speaking of sexual arousal and then the hips, inner thighs and penis are the parts of the body that enjoy touching.

It is so easy to arouse a man and you do not even have to be naked to do it and you shouldn’t have to expose your body to excite a man. Men aren’t all about sex as most women presume, no men like a smart  woman, a funny woman, a compassionate and independent woman. Men are not out for the quick fuck either, they like to experience the same things women do .

“C” totally gets me and understands why I will not let him enter my body with his own, he understands that passion isn’t about the orgasm and isn’t about fucking at all. He has learned to enjoy my company and I his without penetration and he has missed that so much in his current life. The girl he was seeing fucked or so that is how he described it and he couldn’t get her to understand that he wanted more than penetration and orgasm.

He told me I ruined him because he cannot find a woman like myself and that has him all messed up, lol. Sorry dear heart I am one of a kind I guess and he found that out. “C” is so damn hot he can have any woman but he just can’t seem to find the one that fits perfectly with him so I guess we will continue to see each other and enjoy the laughter.

My Dearest

O you think you are so sly now don’t you my dear? You think by deleting the pics off this computer that I cannot send them to other men to enjoy? Foolish one you are Gabriel, yes you are smart but you think I am not as smart? You think you have seen all of my pics do you? You have not and cannot keep me from another man.

You have chosen not to be with me, yes your choice so I will do what I must to get my needs met my dearest. Sex isn’t everything and yes I miss it and would love to taste you but that isn’t happening now is it so I will taste another I guess. I have no desire to hurt you or see you hurt but playing your games with me on skype do get so tiresome dont you think?

I will give myself to someone eventually and it’s obviously not going to be you but heed this warning. The older you get the less desirable you will become to women and your body will grow soft as well. You may stay slim but you cannot hide the age around your eyes or the grey in your hair and you will lose your attractiveness all together in time.

Isn’t it nice to know that someone loves you even as you age? Isn’t it nice to know someone wants you for yourself and not your money? Isn’t it nice to know that when you are ready there is someone who will care for you when you are old and frail? Yes my dear, I would change your diaper, clean up your puke and give you your meds and yes those days will eventually come to all of us.

C and Me

“C” stopped by today and he looked as good as ever, hell he looked like an ice cream cone dieing to be licked lol. He has some pie and we talked and he told me how unhappy he had been and that things hadn’t worked out in his private life. He said he missed me and wanted to know if we could spend some time together.

I agreed of course and we ended up pulling back the quilt on my bed and cuddling. I love the feel of his body and I love when he holds me and his cologne smells so good I just wanted to eat him up. We talked and kissed and played around a bit but mostly we comforted each other. It’s not often you can have that type of relationship with someone but I am lucky enough to have that with him.

I slowly undressed for him and he immediately noticed my weight loss and told me I was looking good. It felt so good to have him touch my body and caress my breasts as I slid my hands over his chest and down to his groin. We basically dry fucked but that is as far as it went because I just couldn’t let him enter me.

The most I could do was kiss him and run my hands over his delicious ass and we ended up falling asleep in each others arms. It was so nice to wake up with him spooning behind me and it felt odd to wake up with his hardon on my back and yes I so wanted him but just couldn’t go there. I am seriously fucked up to want him but can’t do anything, damn I hate you Gabriel.

The Blade

I do not know how they do it especially Gabriel but he manages to piss all over his own belly or he is pissing and Michael pees on Gabe. For some reason potty training these two has not gone so well so I have to put dog diapers on them, lol. I ran the water into the tub and added my favorite bubble bath, vita bath.

I slipped off my clothes and placed one foot after another in the tub as I sat down with my knees brought into my chest and my breasts pushed into my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees and bent my head onto my knees and let the tears flow as I thought of him and only him once again. How does one let love for another cause them so much pain? So much anguish?

I slowly let go of my knees and let them stretch the length of the tub and the warmth of the water penetrated my skin. I let the rest of my body submerge into the bubbles and I raised my hand to my forehead as I let the water cover my head and my hair floated free. I sat up and flipped open the cap on the shampoo and poured a generous amount into the palm of my hand.

I applied it to my hair building up a lather and then I looked at the razor. I looked at the light reflect off the blade and I thought one swipe across my wrist could end my pain. If I were to do such a thing I would be causing my children a terrible pain and that just isn’t fair to them or to myself, not really.

I rinsed my hair, shaved the areas of my body that I wish to keep without hair and then I snatched up Gabe. I brought him into the tub with me and washed him and then Michael and let them run around the bathroom as I stood up and used the water wand to rinse myself off. I moved the release on the tub to let the water out as I stood naked and wet looking into the mirror.

I wondered if he would ever love me, would he ever come to me, did I mean anything to him? I wondered if he ever missed me, ever wondered what my hair felt like, smelt liked, I wondered if he ever wondered what my skin felt like, my breasts, my delicate spot between my thighs. I wondered if he ever wondered what it would be like to make love to me and I wondered the same things myself.

He will never find another that will love him the way I do, never care for him the way I do and will never take care of him the way I would. He will never find another woman who could make him feel what he wants to feel so badly and he will never make love to a woman who can make love to him the way he wishes.

There is only one woman for him and she is pure in heart and her devotion is not to his bank account but to his soul. That one woman he knows waits for him and him alone and she will give herself not to another man in this lifetime. She will wait for him through this lifetime and into the next if that is what it will take to be with him.

Tears Of The Heart

Nothing makes me sadder than to do nothing but think about being in the arms of the one that holds my heart. I shall never feel his touch, his kisses or his embraces yet he has seduced my mind as well as my body. How did this happen to me? How did my heart get wrapped up in this man? How did this connection come about?

I so badly want to let go of my feelings for him because they are a noose around my neck that gets tighter each and every day. My heart so badly wants to touch his but he will never let that happen so all I want to do is let my feet slip off that chair and let the noose do its job.I am one that loves so deeply that my own emotions become my tomb while others love so superficially.

I do not know why I must live in hell but I am and I want nothing more than to show this man how I feel for him. He has not a single material thing that could ever make me want him more and he could never give me a single earthly thing that could make me happy. I doubt he could ever believe that someone like me could love him for himself because people of my standing always appear to want more, want bigger and better.

I am not a material person and all I could ever want he possesses within his own heart not his bank account. He could never live the lifestyle I live because it is so below him at this stage of his life and he likes the wealthy life, he likes the gifts of fame and he likes the attention that fame has brought him.

What he doesnt like are the false friendships and those that claim to love him because he knows money is their true attachment to him. He doesnt believe anyone could love him for himself but the truth is he refuses to let the one and only woman who loves him for himself let her love him. People love us for different reasons but the love I feel for him has been placed in my heart long ago and yes we are soulmates but he wont let my love ever touch him.

She Smiles

Shelby is in quite the festive mood as she put up the xmas tree last night and now she is unpacking a few pieces of the xmas village I hadn’t gotten rid of as of yet. I want no reminders of Bob and his xmas village that took up a complete sheet of plywood and yes it was beautiful but I just dont want and reminders of my husband.

The house is practically empty as I have sold furniture and collectables of his and its strange living in such a barren house. I have so many painful memories of my life with my husband and I just want to forget that part of my life. I have my  children and they are also a painful reminder of what a failure Bob was as a father.

My father never played an active part in my childhood and Bob did everything for Shelby but nothing for Ryan. How can a man be like this? Quite easily, girls are easy boys require work and committment and Bob was very selfish in many ways. I have come to hate xmas as there is never enough money to get the kids anything nice and it’s such a lonely time for me.

I hate xmas shopping because I see so many people laughing and enjoying themselves with another but I am alone and have no one to share the holidays with. The holidays are nothing but cold days and empty frozen nights alone holding onto a pillow for comfort, the holidays are very sad and empty for me and I just want to sleep through them.

Shelby is just enjoying herself as she decorates and puts up the bows and bulbs on the tree. She doesnt care if there is anything under it or not she just is enjoying herself. I just cannot get into the holiday spirit and havent for years as they come and go leaving me as empty as I was before they came.

Footsteps In The Snow

It’s Thanksgiving morning and the ground is covered with a light layer of early morning snow. I let the minions out a.k.a. the boys a.k.a. the dogs and I went out the front door leaving footsteps on the porch as I went to get yesterdays mail. The first snow always seems to one of the most beautiful ones of the season and the neighbors Christmas lights light up the early morning.

This day reminds me of the family I once had and of my grandmother and the thrill she got out of cooking for her family. The table was always filled with a veggie tray, deviled eggs, pickles and olives for everyone to snack on until the golden bird was served. The sideboard was always filled with at least a half dozen of homemade pies and my grandmother’s special apple pie.

The smells coming from the kitchen where always so enticing and we would watch the parade on tv. All of the kids would fight over the best seat on the couch and the adults would mingle and the men would watch football later in the day. There was always two tables, one for the adults and one for the kids and that was the way it was until you were like twenty, lol.

It took hours to cook such a wonderful meal but only minutes to eat it and then crawl up on the couch in a carb coma where we fell into a blissful nap with full bellies but still wanting to dig into pie. There is no longer any big turkey or huge amounts of food because there is no large family any longer.

Yes, we will have the traditional meal in smaller amounts and yes we will have pies but only three to choose from and yes the minions will also get their fair share of table food because they are part of the family. Khloe will want to taste the turkey as will Bingo and the kids will spend the day watching tv or playing online games and I will remember better days with my family that is long gone.


Find It Within

Each and every one of us is beautiful in our own unique ways and that includes myself. I have been focusing on why I have no one in my life to love me and me only when I should be focusing on what is inside myself and who I really am. I met someone today at the gym that made me realize that I am special and a good person and not like most people of today.

He reminded me what life is really about and what is really important and it has do to with the person we are inside. It has to do with morals and ethics and it has to do with self respect and liking ourselves. It’s ok not to have anyone in my life at this time because I know one day I will but it is time to focus on myself and that is what I am doing.

I havent smoked in almost two weeks and I work out everyday and Im feeling better physically. I have an appointment with my surgeon next Thursday to look at this torn rotor cuff and Im going to schedule surgery. I cannot do any weight training with my upper body until I get the surgery so Im finally going to bite the bullet.

I had a surprising call this morning from “C” and I havent heard from him in a long time, he wants to take me to dinner and he wants to talk. I have no idea what is on his mind but when someone comes to me and wishes to talk I will always listen even when I am mad at the person. He is very attractive in many ways but also ugly at the same time so we shall see what he has been up to.

I do miss lieing in bed naked with him and just talking and the feel of his body is so arousing but I would never have sex with him for the sake of an orgasm. I really like running my hand over his chest and down to his waist because his skin is so soft and I like the feel of his muscles and I do like his kisses, and yes he can kiss!!!