The Return

Have you ever lost someone who was close to you? Do you ever wonder what that person could be thinking about your decisions and how you are living your life? Well, today I felt that my husband was looking over my shoulder and I could hear him say, ” you are such a strong woman and you are doing so well no matter how hard things are or have gotten since I departed”. It’s as if he is proud of me and I am doing nothing to be proud of, not one bit.

Things are so bad financially I am going to have to go to a food bank to get food for the kids and I never thought I would hit below bottom but it looks like I have. I’m so damn overwhelmed with trying to make ends meet and I had to make the terrible decision of paying for for or for heat. I am just sick over this and cannot let the kids know how bad things really are because they do not need such a burden.

Shelby has talked about cashing in the stock I bought for her to help with school and I have told her not to do it, that money is for her education which means the world to me. I love learning and returned to school several times until my husband got so sick that I could no longer attend school. My daughter loves school and she is doing so good and I refuse to be the one that puts the burden of our care on her.

I’m sure her car will be totaled tomorrow and I can take some of that money and buy a super cheap car that is good just for transportation and let her drive my car. I then will buy some food for the kids and even though we cannot have the heat up to 70 degrees at least I have paid that bill for the month. The stress of trying to make it is just about killing me and I was looking on craigs list for a car and sure as shit I find one that is online by a scammer.

I didn’t fall for the bullshit and I am still looking and will probably find out tomorrow that her car is totaled. My husband just told me he is so proud of our daughter and that she has made him so happy. It’s so damn hard when you have contact from a departed soul because it comes out of no where and it’s such a shock but I have to believe that my husband is watching over us no matter how much I cannot believe he ever really cared.

Will Happen Again

I think most people marry very young because they fall in love with their high school sweethearts most of the time. I didn’t marry until I was 34 so I was a bit older than the norm and I wouldn’t have married if I didn’t get pregnant. He wasn’t the love of my life and we didn’t even love each other to tell you the truth, I was a meal ticket and he was supposed to be a good father for my child.

The love of my  life was when I was 13 and started high school, it was a meeting like no other as we saw each other in the hall and there was an instant attraction, an instant knowing that we belonged together. He was my everything, he was my mother and father, my sister and brother, my love and my strength all rolled into one. The thing about this type of relationship is we feel this person is the one but the truth is they are not, they will not be with us until we die generally.

So many say that their marriage was a mistake, they married to young and they should have waited. The truth is they were suppose to marry at that time and that the person they married was there to teach them lessons in life. The marriage was supposed to happen, maybe not last but was paramount in building one’s life and to help both people reach their goals. The marriage eventually comes to an end because it is time for the two people to move into a different direction.

We finally make that split no matter how painful and we learn to live on our own and find ourselves as we grow and change with age. We end up dating different people and finally we do end up with the person that is supposed to be our new guiding light. We usually have to date several different people before that one that we belong with enters our lives and we know when that person is the one, we know it within our hearts as well as our minds.

We may spend time with someone and think they are the one at times but then at other times we know that this person is not the one we have been looking for, waiting for. I have known the men I have dated were not the one and only for me, none of them were and I knew it from the start most of the time. We just seem to want to rush things so much that we settle for someone that isn’t giving us everything we need.

I have waited such a long time to meet the one for me and I have yet to meet this person but know in my heart that I will when it is right, when we are meant to be together and I know I will finally be loved the way I have needed to be loved my entire life. It’s just so damn hard waiting for that time to come, for the doors to fly open for that special one, for that one person that will change our life.