Bottom Drops

I never thought I would be in the situation I am in currently, no money to pay bills and no food to feed my kids. What in the fuck happened? Why is my life so fucking hard? What am I going to do? I have no answers and no family to help me and that includes a sister that helped put my grandmother in her grave and took all of her money which half of it belonged to me and my kids but no I have a greedy cunt sister.

I am sitting here crying and wondering what will happen next, the printer to a dump last night and Shelby needs one for her school work and she looks to me for all the answers. Her car is trashed and I cannot find another one I can afford. The kids look to me for everything and I have nothing to give, not a damn thing. Christmas is coming and Shelby wants to put up a tree but there will be nothing under it again this year.

I feel like such a damn failure, a loser, someone nobody wants to be with and I hate this feeling. I have given all I can give and I have tried so damn hard to keep my head above water but the truth is I have hit not only bottom but below bottom. I have never been this down and out, never this needy and now I am so fucking depressed all I can do is cry. The Michigan skys are grey and dark and without sunlight depression overtakes so easily.

We cannot afford milk, a staple, something so simple that most never ever think they will be without but we are in such a bad state and the kids have no idea how bad things really are. They are aware that things are not good but to let them know how bad things are is just not going to happen. They do their best to help anyway they can and I feel so damn terrible about it but have no answers.

So why you are eating out and have maid service be very thankful that God has blessed you with such talent, such luck and such love because there is no love anywhere for me and I’m basically useless to anyone including my kids. I am all they have so I have to pull it together and put on a happy face like everything is ok even though it isn’t and I do not see it getting any better only worse as winter comes.