Another Year

I will be 54 in two days and its just another day, another year come and gone as things continue to spiral downward for us. I am having to go to a food bank to get food for the kids and its so humiliating for me to have to do this. When I was little around 7 or 8 goodwill left a food basket on our porch so we would have a Christmas dinner, someone knew we were dirt poor and gave them our address so they could give us food.

My mother has never said happy birthday to me, not once that I can remember and today she called from the assisted living place she is staying in and yes she said happy birthday to me. I was shocked that she called first of all but even more shocked that she remembered my birthday was this month. I think she called today because her brain kicked into high gear and she remembered she had a daughter with a birthday coming up.

I have no idea why things must be so damn hard for me and I have no idea what I have done to deserve to be put in the situations I have been in and currently are in. I can’t stand seeing my kids looking at me in pity and I cannot stand the thought of them relying on me and Im unable to come through for them. A parent should always be able to care for their children’s basic needs but not even I can do this at this time without help.

I have no one to turn to, no one to cry on their shoulder or to hug me in my time of need and it just isn’t fair but when is life ever fair? There are people born with a golden spoon in their mouths but I seem to have been born with a shit spoon in mine. We have no money for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner let alone presents and this is just killing me inside not being able to give the kids a single thing.

They are just kids and yes they have done things that no child should do to their parent but it is what it is and we have learned from the past two years, yes we have learned so much and suffered as well. We don’t even have milk which is bullshit but there’s nothing I can do and I’m just so sick over this situation. Big Rick would loan me money if I asked but I will not ask because I have no idea when I could pay him back and that isn’t right.


To Be Mean

We hear so much about kids being mean but we rarely hear about adults being mean. Adults teach there kids that being mean is ok, being a bully is a learned behavior and there is no excuse for it. Saying and doing mean things to another person doesn’t make you a better person, it doesn’t make you appear intelligent or special in any way. Computers make it even easier for people to be mean because they can hide behind technology.

I’ve had some real hateful remarks made to me online and all I do is shake my head and say to myself that, that person has a lot of anger and they need to take it out on someone but why me? I do not claim to be more than I am and being mean to me doesn’t change anyone’s life or who they are. I do believe a lot of hateful remarks are made out of being rejected somewhere along the life in their lives.

I try not to let my anger come out in mean remarks to other people but I also refuse to let someone use me as their whipping post because I have a hard enough time with my self esteem. I’m trying so hard not to drown in the pressures of life and Im doing the best I can but there seems to always be someone out there that insists on being mean. I rarely share with others how difficult life is for me and that is why I write so much.

I try to let go of what is hurting me so much, what is making life so hard and challenging. People do not care about anyone but themselves and all I can say is do not be mean.