Another Year

I will be 54 in two days and its just another day, another year come and gone as things continue to spiral downward for us. I am having to go to a food bank to get food for the kids and its so humiliating for me to have to do this. When I was little around 7 or 8 goodwill left a food basket on our porch so we would have a Christmas dinner, someone knew we were dirt poor and gave them our address so they could give us food.

My mother has never said happy birthday to me, not once that I can remember and today she called from the assisted living place she is staying in and yes she said happy birthday to me. I was shocked that she called first of all but even more shocked that she remembered my birthday was this month. I think she called today because her brain kicked into high gear and she remembered she had a daughter with a birthday coming up.

I have no idea why things must be so damn hard for me and I have no idea what I have done to deserve to be put in the situations I have been in and currently are in. I can’t stand seeing my kids looking at me in pity and I cannot stand the thought of them relying on me and Im unable to come through for them. A parent should always be able to care for their children’s basic needs but not even I can do this at this time without help.

I have no one to turn to, no one to cry on their shoulder or to hug me in my time of need and it just isn’t fair but when is life ever fair? There are people born with a golden spoon in their mouths but I seem to have been born with a shit spoon in mine. We have no money for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner let alone presents and this is just killing me inside not being able to give the kids a single thing.

They are just kids and yes they have done things that no child should do to their parent but it is what it is and we have learned from the past two years, yes we have learned so much and suffered as well. We don’t even have milk which is bullshit but there’s nothing I can do and I’m just so sick over this situation. Big Rick would loan me money if I asked but I will not ask because I have no idea when I could pay him back and that isn’t right.


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