When

We are always doing for someone else, always giving to others, always there for the ones we love but when is it our time to be happy? When is it our time to live again? Do we ever get just our time? It seems as if my life has always been of service to others, always giving and doing for others but never my time to be loved, to be happy. I just exist and go through each day without feeling anything or feeling very little.

Do you ever wish you could have someone love you and do for you and only you? Do you ever dream of the day that you meet that special person who will change your entire world? Change what your heart feels, what your body feels? Do you ever wish that day was today? That is where I am because I have nothing else left to hang onto and I have nobody that loves me for me other than my children.

I just do not understand how someone like myself just cannot get a fair shake in life, someone like myself has no love or anyone to share their live with. I do not ask why my life must be like this because there are no answers to those tough questions. I am so thankful for what I have even though it isn’t much I have more than a lot of people do and I try to remember that but it gets so difficult at times.

There are so many so much better off than I am but there are also so many others worse off than I am but it’s hard to think of anyone else when I’m stuck in this situation. Things will one day turn around because they have to and I cannot lose hope. It’s just so damn hard for me because I have been through so much and continue to go through more trying times day after day.

Theres nothing worse than feeling like a loser, a total failure but that is all I can feel right now and nothing seems to change those feelings unfortunately. When you cannot take care of your family on your own or without selling a part of your body you do feel so lost and like a total loser. I am a single mother, a lonely mother, an empty woman who has so little left to give.

One Day

No matter how bad things are I still believe one day I will be happy, one day I will love again and be loved and one day I will no longer have the worries I am currently dealing with. Yes, one day things will turn around and life will be good, life will be happy and life will be worth living once again. I can go to the food bank once a week and give plasma once a week even though I felt so sick after giving.

I will do whatever I must to keep my kids safe, fed and a roof over their head and I am doing things I never thought I would have to do. When you have children you have got to put them first because you are their rock, you are their answer to all the questions they have. So many people are quick to judge and of course they have all the answers which is bullshit as none of them are the right answers.

I could so easily check out right now but the kids would have no one so it’s up to me to be there for them until they can stand on their own two feet. You have no idea what it is like to live in the cold and yes we do live in the cold as the heat has got to stay at 62 degrees so I can afford to pay the bill. I warm up the house to 70 for two hours in the early morning and two hours in the early evening but cannot afford to have it higher than that and even that is costly for me.

My birthday is tomorrow yip fuckin ee for me because it means nothing but more emptiness and sadness in my life. There is only one person I wish to spend my birthday with but that will never happen so I do not even pray for him to come to me. It’s so hard when you invest emotions into someone you will never talk to,never tough and never be with. It’s so damn hard having nobody to lean on when you are in the situation that I am but what can you do? Just ask God to help thats it in a nutshell, just ask God.

Final Poke

I’ve been trying to figure out how to get some money together to get some staples in this house and the only thing I have been able to come up with is selling my plasma. Ya, selling plasma is the absolute last resort to get funds and so I did it today. It took about 2 hours to get a complete workup to see if I was healthy enough to give the plasma and yes I am. I don’t mind needles like I used to when I was younger but the thought of selling part of my body bothers me.

I got enough money to buy some milk, bread, peanut butter and potatoes and that is what the family will have to settle for. I can make a ton of things from potatoes but I couldn’t afford any meat so we will have to go without that for a while. Im so humiliated having to go to the food bank and then giving my plasma is the ultimate of bottom dropped, shattered and disintegrated.

Until you have to go without and have to do things you never thought you would have to, you have no idea how hard life can really be. I have no idea why I am in this situation or when things will get better for us but we do not deserve to be in this position. I have tried so hard, so damn hard and it has been so damn difficult all I can do is cry because I know not what else to do.