Last Breathe

When I was in my early twenties my grandfather died and left my grandmother alone, I moved in with her because she didn’t want to be alone. My grandmother taught me so much and everyday when I went to work she made dinner for us. We would sit and chat and she would teach me lessons that you can only learn from your elders.

I remember her saying she didn’t feel good and I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital and she said no. I remember her complaining about the timer on her coffee pot no longer working and I was going to buy her a new one. I went to bed and woke up with a start as I heard her tv on which wasn’t like her that early in the morning.

I went to her room and knocked but she didn’t answer so I had to unlock the door from the outside and when I opened the door she was lying on her bed dead. The tv was always on for the 11 o’clock evening news so she had died the night before, all alone and I wonder if she called out for me and I didn’t hear her.

The funny thing was that her coffee was made, the coffee pot worked for the first time in week and her african violets had bloomed. It was as if she left me a sign and let me know that she was ok and I would be to, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t ok for a very long time as my grandmother was my mother figure and losing her I lost part of myself.

I lost my grandfather, uncle, and two aunts prior to the loss of my grandmother and it’s as if I went through the same cycle the last 7 yrs of my life. I have buried my brother, aunt, grandmother, husband and father and my mother has had to major strokes and lives in assisted living in Florida so I do not see her. 

I have a sister that I never speak with because she is to good for me and she was to good for my mother or brother as well. She always thought she was so much better than we were and so much more intelligent but as for a heart, her heart was made of cement and she has never had any real love her life and that is how she pays for her greed, a loveless life forever.

Thanksgiving is nothing without family and making a dinner is a waste as there is no one to eat it. Shelby likes all the fixings but Ryan would rather have pizza or chicken. I do not know if I will make dinner this year because Shelby will probably go to her boyfriends and Ryan would rather have chicken and I would rather have my family, which will never happen.

So Sweet

I remember running the back of my hand down his cheek and slowly running my thumb over his bottom lip. I remember his eyes, the depth of his eyes and I remember the feeling that took hold of my heart. I remember how soft his hair was and I remember how happy he made me, yes I was once happy.

He made me feel special and i have never felt like that in over 40 yrs. can one ever feel that first love again? Can you ever relive those moments with someone else? Can you ever recapture those feelings? Is it possible to ever love like that again or something close to that first love? Maybe that is my problem, I am stuck thinking of my first love and wanting to feel those feelings again.

It is never possible to replace that first love, it’s unique and special and like no other love you will ever experience. That one person being our everything, that one person that stole our heart and our virginity, that one person that made us feel alive. I wonder if I will ever feel like that way again for anybody and I wonder if it is possible to love even deeper than that first love.

You can tell someone you love them but if you are not with the person to show them then they have no reason to believe your words. When you have no love in your life for so very long it is very hard to believe that anyone could love you and you become guarded and afraid to believe that anyone could.

 

Bars

I went to jail for two weeks about two years ago and the memories were brought back by my daughters desire to watch a show called Orange is the New Black. It’s about a woman who gets busted for drug trafficking and her experience in prison. I didn’t go to prison but I spent time in jail and the two are quite similar in many ways.

You get up when told, eat when told, sleep when told and do whatever you are told and yes there are lesbians in jail. I was the oldest on my “block” which is a series of jail cells about 15 and each jail has two beds and two inmates in each. You get one roll of toilet a week for the two of you  and you eat what they give you or you do not eat.

You have nothing to look forward to accept the next meal and when you are a newbie everyone tries to give you bullshit and take your food. The first week in jail you do not eat, your nerves are shot and you shit like a goose. You have no appetite and the shit they feed you, you give away as a way to build friendships.

You are not allowed to enter anyone elses cell and you sleep on a mat on a metal frame with a sheet and a thin blanket. It’s cold and you stay to yourself watching bugs crawl on the floor and you wish you were one of them so you had contact with another without fear. There are young girls that are street smart and they will fuck you up if you let them.

I had one bitch that called me grandma because I was the oldest on the block and she thought she could fuck with me. She came into my cell and tried to take my lunch and that was the second week and I had become accustomed to prison life by then and wasn’t putting up with any shit from anyone. She grabbed food off of my tray and I went ballistic as I grabbed her head and slammed it into the metal toilet, splitting her forehead wide open.

The guard wanted to know what happened and my roomie stood up for me and told the guard what happened. The girl ended up with stitches and I ended up with my shitty food. My roomie got my breakfast every day until I left for her reward. There is one shower and sex isnt tolerated between inmates.

I had one girl come into the shower with me but that didn’t get her to far because I beat her ass as well. I am not a violent person but I am no ones fool either and no one will take from me unless I let them. I was in jail with druggies and murderers but I still held my own and made my own name rather quickly. They called me the good grandma, lol which meant that I would and could still hurt people physically as I proved to several bitches.

First Thought

I woke up this morning and my first thought was “what a fucker, I do not want to be part of his bullshit anymore but he won’t go away”. What does want? Isn’t he content with his fast paced life? Does he need to play games with someone who is obvious inferior to his world? Is the people around him show shallow and empty that they offer him nothing?

I know this is a shocker but not everyone wants a maid, to fly around the world almost everyday and drive a BMW, not everyone wants to rub his ass and kiss his feet? Not everyone wants to be an object that he owns and can command like a robot. That’s the problem with wealthy and famous people, they start out like you and me and overnight they are at the top of their game and everyone wants a piece of them.

They get used and they learn to use and they change into “the one”  everyone wants to be. They meet other famous people, get tickets to any event they want with the best seating, fly in their private plane and live in numerous homes. They eat at the finest restaurants and fuck anyone they want and their value system changes.

Their marriage that started off like everyone elses turns into a business arrangement and even their spouse turns into a material moose. They no longer believe that they can be loved for themselves and they go through life grabbing what little real happiness they can. Is this a life for me? Nope, nadda because I want real love, I want to love the person for themselves and I want to grow old with that one man I can lie in bed with on a rainy day and make love to, the man I can make breakfast for and the man I can slowly bathe and take care of.

Is this what keeps him coming back? A woman who is old school with old school values but is still a very free soul? A woman who wants not what she can get from him but what she can give to him? This type of woman has become so distant from his everyday life that she is an oddity that attracts him. No she is not pretty or thin like the other women that want to fuck him, want his gifts of wealth or want to be seen with him.

He has had so much pussy thrown his way he has strayed from his marital commitment and he can say otherwise but I know the truth as does he. He isn’t happy but it’s always better to be rich than to be poor or so he thinks. He misses his boyhood and he misses real friends, true friends and lovers that love.

I know longer hold onto my dreams of meeting this man and making love to him and him alone. I no longer hold the dream that we will be together and I no longer see us together, happy and growing old together. He told me to give up my dreams and I have, I gave up on him because I know I will never be good enough for someone like him..

I liked it so much better when I didn’t know who he was, just another guy from California that never had any intention of meeting me but kept lieing to me about coming to my state to work. I thought why would such an attractive man be attracted to me anyway? Fat and not so attractive yet he stayed in contact with me all of these years and for what reason?

Does it matter any longer? No, do I love him, no and never will get the opportunity to find out if anything I ever felt was real, just another silly girls fantasy of real love, another silly fools thouths that she could give him what he longs for and another stupid dream of being loved for herself, just a bag of bullshit dreams thrown into the river like a bag of unwanted puppies to drown.