Infinity x 2

When I commit myself to a project or to someone I do not give up or give in and continue to march down the path I have set forth for myself. I quit smoking a week ago and have not picked up another cigarette since and have no desire to be a smoker any longer. I feel the same way emotionally about someone and I will not give up on that person no matter how down I may get at times.

My love for the person is infinite and my connection with him is everlasting no matter what names he calls me or how he hides from me within himself. He refuses to succumb to the truth that lies within his heart and I cannot change that but he can but will not for the fear that lies within him is so strong he is scared of his own feelings.

I refuse to spill my body fluids onto the sheets with another man because I am for one man only even though he has spilled his seed within other women. It is not within me to  share my body with someone who I do not have feelings for and that is just the way I am even though he is not. Men will not be physically true to anyone when another catches their interest and that is the way it is from what I have experienced.

We are infinity x 2 and he knows it……


The Black Hand Grips

I removed the red bell peppers from their plastic covered containers and I removed the labels on them. I cut them in half and removed the seeds as I melted butter in the 12 inch pan. The butter began to sizzle as I cut up the onion and the button mushrooms and the bacon cooked in the microwave as I began to slice the peppers into pieces.

I cracked eight eggs and added fresh cracked pepper and salt and I used the fork to whip them together. I added the peppers, onions and mushrooms to the butter in the pan and I covered them so they could steam as they cooked and slightly browned. I removed the bacon from the microwave and poured off the rendering fat and finished crisping the rashers in the microwave.

Once cooked to a lovely crisp I removed the bacon from the plate and placed it on the paper towel to absorb the remaining fat and I let the bacon crisp. I poured the cooked vegetables into the large bowl of seasoned eggs and I crushed the bacon into the bowl as well. Mixing the concoction I then poured the egg mixture into the hot pan with more butter.

I got another pan and put water in it and placed four eggs in it to boil, a snack for the next few days. The egg mixture cooked in the other pan and I added several slices of swiss cheese and finished off one omelet. Having enough eggs for another omelet I continued to make that last one as my thoughts I attempted to keep smothered in eggs and vegetables.

I didn’t want to think about the night before or the empty bottle of seroquil I found on the coffee table. I had stopped earlier in the day and picked up my sons favorite fast food and called him down from his room but he didn’t come down. I had a terrible feeling just yesterday of one of my children dieing and I refused to allow myself to let such thoughts invade my tranquility.

I went upstairs and could tell something was wrong with Ryan as his words slurred and he looked as if he had no control over his eyes. I told him I had brought him food which always brings him downstairs but he just wouldn’t come down. I had that terrible feeling that he was trying to commit suicide once again but my brain shut down and refused to accept what my eyes had seen.

I do not know why my son is so unhappy and wanting to kill himself again and I cannot stand the thought of going through this again with him. Thank God there wasn’t enough seroquil to kill him and the drug laced cough syrup did nothing more than make him tired as did the seroquil. Flashbacks of his earlier attempt danced through my mind as thoughts of caring for his forever ill father shoved their way into my mind.

There is nothing more painful than knowing your child is miserable and you can do nothing to change their feelings. I have got not enough love to make him feel that life is worth living and I have no answers to sooth his pain that has overtaken his will to live. He refuses to see the dr or take his meds for his bipolar and I can do nothing about it.

If he is put back in the hospital he will be placed in one downtown detroit with the totally undesirables and he could end up getting killed by one of them. I should have known better than to leave the meds out but foolish me didn’t learn the first time he attempted to kill himself and I have finally realized I cannot leave anything around for him to ingest.

He came down this morning and I reminded him of his dinner from the night before as I continued to cook the omelets and boil eggs. I looked out the kitchen window to see a single red rose that had bloomed earlier last week and was now frozen into a state of cold petals. I cannot find my way out of this hell and I cannot get my son out of my mind and so fear I shall find his body abandoned and cold.

I feel as if his actions are a personal attack on me but I know better but cannot stop the pain that swims through my veins and makes my heart skip a beat. The one I have learned to lean on has called me a slut this morning assuming I was out last night but the fact is I was not and I was dealing with getting my son to throw up the meds in his body.

I do not understand why these things are happening to my family and I am so fearful my son will eventually succeed in his desire to no longer walk among us. I ask God for guidance and if he is guiding me it’s in a direction that I can see an end to or any light in the tunnel at all. I see nothing but a rushing train coming my way just waiting for me to step in front of it and plow me down like old corn stalks in the field.