The Blade

I do not know how they do it especially Gabriel but he manages to piss all over his own belly or he is pissing and Michael pees on Gabe. For some reason potty training these two has not gone so well so I have to put dog diapers on them, lol. I ran the water into the tub and added my favorite bubble bath, vita bath.

I slipped off my clothes and placed one foot after another in the tub as I sat down with my knees brought into my chest and my breasts pushed into my chest. I wrapped my arms around my knees and bent my head onto my knees and let the tears flow as I thought of him and only him once again. How does one let love for another cause them so much pain? So much anguish?

I slowly let go of my knees and let them stretch the length of the tub and the warmth of the water penetrated my skin. I let the rest of my body submerge into the bubbles and I raised my hand to my forehead as I let the water cover my head and my hair floated free. I sat up and flipped open the cap on the shampoo and poured a generous amount into the palm of my hand.

I applied it to my hair building up a lather and then I looked at the razor. I looked at the light reflect off the blade and I thought one swipe across my wrist could end my pain. If I were to do such a thing I would be causing my children a terrible pain and that just isn’t fair to them or to myself, not really.

I rinsed my hair, shaved the areas of my body that I wish to keep without hair and then I snatched up Gabe. I brought him into the tub with me and washed him and then Michael and let them run around the bathroom as I stood up and used the water wand to rinse myself off. I moved the release on the tub to let the water out as I stood naked and wet looking into the mirror.

I wondered if he would ever love me, would he ever come to me, did I mean anything to him? I wondered if he ever missed me, ever wondered what my hair felt like, smelt liked, I wondered if he ever wondered what my skin felt like, my breasts, my delicate spot between my thighs. I wondered if he ever wondered what it would be like to make love to me and I wondered the same things myself.

He will never find another that will love him the way I do, never care for him the way I do and will never take care of him the way I would. He will never find another woman who could make him feel what he wants to feel so badly and he will never make love to a woman who can make love to him the way he wishes.

There is only one woman for him and she is pure in heart and her devotion is not to his bank account but to his soul. That one woman he knows waits for him and him alone and she will give herself not to another man in this lifetime. She will wait for him through this lifetime and into the next if that is what it will take to be with him.

Tears Of The Heart

Nothing makes me sadder than to do nothing but think about being in the arms of the one that holds my heart. I shall never feel his touch, his kisses or his embraces yet he has seduced my mind as well as my body. How did this happen to me? How did my heart get wrapped up in this man? How did this connection come about?

I so badly want to let go of my feelings for him because they are a noose around my neck that gets tighter each and every day. My heart so badly wants to touch his but he will never let that happen so all I want to do is let my feet slip off that chair and let the noose do its job.I am one that loves so deeply that my own emotions become my tomb while others love so superficially.

I do not know why I must live in hell but I am and I want nothing more than to show this man how I feel for him. He has not a single material thing that could ever make me want him more and he could never give me a single earthly thing that could make me happy. I doubt he could ever believe that someone like me could love him for himself because people of my standing always appear to want more, want bigger and better.

I am not a material person and all I could ever want he possesses within his own heart not his bank account. He could never live the lifestyle I live because it is so below him at this stage of his life and he likes the wealthy life, he likes the gifts of fame and he likes the attention that fame has brought him.

What he doesnt like are the false friendships and those that claim to love him because he knows money is their true attachment to him. He doesnt believe anyone could love him for himself but the truth is he refuses to let the one and only woman who loves him for himself let her love him. People love us for different reasons but the love I feel for him has been placed in my heart long ago and yes we are soulmates but he wont let my love ever touch him.

She Smiles

Shelby is in quite the festive mood as she put up the xmas tree last night and now she is unpacking a few pieces of the xmas village I hadn’t gotten rid of as of yet. I want no reminders of Bob and his xmas village that took up a complete sheet of plywood and yes it was beautiful but I just dont want and reminders of my husband.

The house is practically empty as I have sold furniture and collectables of his and its strange living in such a barren house. I have so many painful memories of my life with my husband and I just want to forget that part of my life. I have my  children and they are also a painful reminder of what a failure Bob was as a father.

My father never played an active part in my childhood and Bob did everything for Shelby but nothing for Ryan. How can a man be like this? Quite easily, girls are easy boys require work and committment and Bob was very selfish in many ways. I have come to hate xmas as there is never enough money to get the kids anything nice and it’s such a lonely time for me.

I hate xmas shopping because I see so many people laughing and enjoying themselves with another but I am alone and have no one to share the holidays with. The holidays are nothing but cold days and empty frozen nights alone holding onto a pillow for comfort, the holidays are very sad and empty for me and I just want to sleep through them.

Shelby is just enjoying herself as she decorates and puts up the bows and bulbs on the tree. She doesnt care if there is anything under it or not she just is enjoying herself. I just cannot get into the holiday spirit and havent for years as they come and go leaving me as empty as I was before they came.

Footsteps In The Snow

It’s Thanksgiving morning and the ground is covered with a light layer of early morning snow. I let the minions out a.k.a. the boys a.k.a. the dogs and I went out the front door leaving footsteps on the porch as I went to get yesterdays mail. The first snow always seems to one of the most beautiful ones of the season and the neighbors Christmas lights light up the early morning.

This day reminds me of the family I once had and of my grandmother and the thrill she got out of cooking for her family. The table was always filled with a veggie tray, deviled eggs, pickles and olives for everyone to snack on until the golden bird was served. The sideboard was always filled with at least a half dozen of homemade pies and my grandmother’s special apple pie.

The smells coming from the kitchen where always so enticing and we would watch the parade on tv. All of the kids would fight over the best seat on the couch and the adults would mingle and the men would watch football later in the day. There was always two tables, one for the adults and one for the kids and that was the way it was until you were like twenty, lol.

It took hours to cook such a wonderful meal but only minutes to eat it and then crawl up on the couch in a carb coma where we fell into a blissful nap with full bellies but still wanting to dig into pie. There is no longer any big turkey or huge amounts of food because there is no large family any longer.

Yes, we will have the traditional meal in smaller amounts and yes we will have pies but only three to choose from and yes the minions will also get their fair share of table food because they are part of the family. Khloe will want to taste the turkey as will Bingo and the kids will spend the day watching tv or playing online games and I will remember better days with my family that is long gone.