Dont

Please do not contact me anymore, you are hurting me to much and I am getting seriously depressed. If you care at all leave me be or meet me and you will not meet me. Find your happiness in someone else because I am not the woman for you or you would b with me. You do not love me and you get some kind of kick out of your games. Goodbye Gabriel and my best to you

Opacity

“Nobody sees anybody truly but all through the flaws of their own egos. That is the way we all see …each other in life. Vanity, fear, desire, competition– all such distortions within our own egos– condition our vision of those in relation to us. Add to those distortions to our own egos the corresponding distortions in the egos of others, and you see how cloudy the glass must become through which we look at each other. That’s how it is in all living relationships except when there is that rare case of two people who love intensely enough to burn through all those layers of opacity and see each other’s naked hearts.”

The Lie

I was so fooled by you

I was so taken in

I was so manipulated

I was nothing but a toy

For you

I loved you so much

Wanted nothing but

Your happiness

You through it back

In my face

Now I feel nothing

But disgrace

You do not want to be loved

You want nothing but your fame

Gathered from your name

You think you have it all?

You have nothing

You live against a wall

You are controlled

Not the controller

A fool you are

With no name

No face

No heart and

No place

A prisoner in your

Own four walls

It is time for

You to fall

A Dark Place

The mind can take you to a very dark place, a place that one can hide and deny what is true and the mind can make us do things without having any control over those actions. The mind can make us hate ourselves and feel undeserving and the mind  can make us end our pain and suffering in harmful ways.

When your life is devout of any kind of love you strive to find that love any way you can and it becomes an addiction in it’s own right. Wanting to be loved and to love is not evil nor bad in any way but it can lead us to find a barren stream and make us question our life purpose. People that lead others on and play games with emotions do not realize what damage they are doing and they can actually end up with the blood of another on their hands.

You can love so deeply that you become part of another and when you do not feel that love is returned there are times you wish to end your own pain, your own self induced agony. A troubled soul will seek peace at any cost and will do whatever it takes to quiet the aching soul and those that use words of love to control another have no idea what they are doing.

You cannot control another but you can manipulate a person and their emotions but what is the end result? End of life as the person once knew it, the end of love that the person felt and the demise of a person that only wanted to love. Sometimes, we are not meant for this world even though we have good intentions and are good people or so we may think of ourselves that way.

It is time to lie down and hold the rose to the chest and exhale for one last time, it is time to exit a world of pain that holds no happiness or truth and it is time to set sail to the beliefs that one could love and be loved. I have buried almost everyone I have ever loved but who will bury me? Who has ever loved me? NO ONE AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE 

The Gym

I go workout every morning and yes I am dressed for success as I wear sweat pants, sweat shirt and have my hair in a ponytail. I do not wear makeup or wear tight fitting workout clothes because Im not there to pick up a guy Im there to drop off my fat packs that cling to my ass, hips and thighs. I go and do my thing and do not look around in hopes that someone is admiring my sweat dripping from my forehead.

There is one woman who is in her sixties obviously and quite attractive and she has a very nice body quite in shape. She is a “look at me” type of woman as she has her hair done and her makeup applied nicely and she looks around when she goes to lift weights. It’s obvious she isn’t there to workout, not really because she only does one set on each of the weight machines.

I guess when you do finally get into shape you do not need to do the required 3 sets of reps but one would think that doing them would only enhance your body. I watch her and laugh to myself because she is quite ridiculous as far as I am concerned but my opinion is nothing to a woman like that and she is full of herself from what I see.

I do my workout and talk to the other ladies and we encourage each other to keep on keeping on and to never give up. I talk to a couple of ladies from India and they are really nice and very encouraging. Domiauntie is about 4’8″ and just as sweet as she can be and she has given me some really good advice as far as working out.

I have given them some of my lowfat/low sugar deserts and they really like them so we share our deserts and recipes. All the men that go in the morning are like in their 70’s and do not appeal to me in the least bit. I think there is something wrong with me because I am just not attracted to the men that I see.

I guess I will forever be alone because there is only one man who has my attention and I have no idea why I am so attracted to him. He’s an arrogant fuck that I have never met and never will but he is always on my mind and even though I do not have a picture of him with me at all times he is plastered in my mind and no one even comes close to him as far as attracting me.

I  wish I could meet him so I can say I cannot stand him and move on but my luck this son of a bitch has so much sex appeal he would draw me in like a moth to a flame. He uses his people skills quite nicely and people are just attracted to him because he does have charisma and he is sexy as fuck to me. 

Infinity x 2

When I commit myself to a project or to someone I do not give up or give in and continue to march down the path I have set forth for myself. I quit smoking a week ago and have not picked up another cigarette since and have no desire to be a smoker any longer. I feel the same way emotionally about someone and I will not give up on that person no matter how down I may get at times.

My love for the person is infinite and my connection with him is everlasting no matter what names he calls me or how he hides from me within himself. He refuses to succumb to the truth that lies within his heart and I cannot change that but he can but will not for the fear that lies within him is so strong he is scared of his own feelings.

I refuse to spill my body fluids onto the sheets with another man because I am for one man only even though he has spilled his seed within other women. It is not within me to  share my body with someone who I do not have feelings for and that is just the way I am even though he is not. Men will not be physically true to anyone when another catches their interest and that is the way it is from what I have experienced.

We are infinity x 2 and he knows it……

640px-Infinity_Symbol640px-Infinity_Symbol

The Black Hand Grips

I removed the red bell peppers from their plastic covered containers and I removed the labels on them. I cut them in half and removed the seeds as I melted butter in the 12 inch pan. The butter began to sizzle as I cut up the onion and the button mushrooms and the bacon cooked in the microwave as I began to slice the peppers into pieces.

I cracked eight eggs and added fresh cracked pepper and salt and I used the fork to whip them together. I added the peppers, onions and mushrooms to the butter in the pan and I covered them so they could steam as they cooked and slightly browned. I removed the bacon from the microwave and poured off the rendering fat and finished crisping the rashers in the microwave.

Once cooked to a lovely crisp I removed the bacon from the plate and placed it on the paper towel to absorb the remaining fat and I let the bacon crisp. I poured the cooked vegetables into the large bowl of seasoned eggs and I crushed the bacon into the bowl as well. Mixing the concoction I then poured the egg mixture into the hot pan with more butter.

I got another pan and put water in it and placed four eggs in it to boil, a snack for the next few days. The egg mixture cooked in the other pan and I added several slices of swiss cheese and finished off one omelet. Having enough eggs for another omelet I continued to make that last one as my thoughts I attempted to keep smothered in eggs and vegetables.

I didn’t want to think about the night before or the empty bottle of seroquil I found on the coffee table. I had stopped earlier in the day and picked up my sons favorite fast food and called him down from his room but he didn’t come down. I had a terrible feeling just yesterday of one of my children dieing and I refused to allow myself to let such thoughts invade my tranquility.

I went upstairs and could tell something was wrong with Ryan as his words slurred and he looked as if he had no control over his eyes. I told him I had brought him food which always brings him downstairs but he just wouldn’t come down. I had that terrible feeling that he was trying to commit suicide once again but my brain shut down and refused to accept what my eyes had seen.

I do not know why my son is so unhappy and wanting to kill himself again and I cannot stand the thought of going through this again with him. Thank God there wasn’t enough seroquil to kill him and the drug laced cough syrup did nothing more than make him tired as did the seroquil. Flashbacks of his earlier attempt danced through my mind as thoughts of caring for his forever ill father shoved their way into my mind.

There is nothing more painful than knowing your child is miserable and you can do nothing to change their feelings. I have got not enough love to make him feel that life is worth living and I have no answers to sooth his pain that has overtaken his will to live. He refuses to see the dr or take his meds for his bipolar and I can do nothing about it.

If he is put back in the hospital he will be placed in one downtown detroit with the totally undesirables and he could end up getting killed by one of them. I should have known better than to leave the meds out but foolish me didn’t learn the first time he attempted to kill himself and I have finally realized I cannot leave anything around for him to ingest.

He came down this morning and I reminded him of his dinner from the night before as I continued to cook the omelets and boil eggs. I looked out the kitchen window to see a single red rose that had bloomed earlier last week and was now frozen into a state of cold petals. I cannot find my way out of this hell and I cannot get my son out of my mind and so fear I shall find his body abandoned and cold.

I feel as if his actions are a personal attack on me but I know better but cannot stop the pain that swims through my veins and makes my heart skip a beat. The one I have learned to lean on has called me a slut this morning assuming I was out last night but the fact is I was not and I was dealing with getting my son to throw up the meds in his body.

I do not understand why these things are happening to my family and I am so fearful my son will eventually succeed in his desire to no longer walk among us. I ask God for guidance and if he is guiding me it’s in a direction that I can see an end to or any light in the tunnel at all. I see nothing but a rushing train coming my way just waiting for me to step in front of it and plow me down like old corn stalks in the field.