How Does

How does it feel to know someone’s every thought, every move, how they spend their days, what they feel, what they think, how they deal with their day to day life? How does it feel to be that fly on the wall? How does it feel to think you are fooling them and think they do not know that you are the one behind all of the different names?

How does it feel to be sitting on the sideline wondering what it would be like to spend time with that person? What it would be like to actually laugh and  joke with them? Share a meal? A kiss? How does it feel to know in your heart of hearts you want to be with that person but are just to afraid to move forward?

How does it feel to know that, that person would love to spend time with you and would travel to be with you? How does it feel to know that you are cared for and thought of by someone who doesnt even know you except for online? How does it feel to know that the woman is meant to be in your life or you wouldn’t keep vigilante care to follow her every move?

No, she is thin and beautiful like so many other women at your disposal but her beauty you see, you see it in her eyes and her smile. You know this woman better than any other woman except your wife and you know this is the woman you have waited for your entire life. To good to be true? No, dear I wait night after night and I think of you every day and yes I see us meeting one day, maybe that is the fool in me, it’s all for you everything I do is because of you, my sweetheart, my dearest come home, come to my open arms as they await for you and only you.

Inner War

I have this inner war going on inside o myself, I want to get him out of my life but I sit here wondering what it would be like to have him sitting next to me sipping a cup of tea and chatting. I wonder what it would feel like to run my hand down his cheek and neck and I wonder what he smells like. I wonder what his lips taste like and I wonder what the touch of his hand feels like.

I so want this to stop but I have become obsessed with him, yes I have finally admitted it he is an obsession. I fantasize about him so often and I think about him every day and have for years. He is the one that I pleasure myself to the thought of and he is the one I lie in bed and think about touching his body.

I think about kissing him and expressing myself through those kisses and I think about lieing naked with him so we can just touch each other. Sex would be wonderful but I spend more time than not thinking of just lieing with him and talking. I love sex but there is so much more than sex going on between us and no it’s not just in my mind either.

He thinks about me constantly and he has tried to replace me with no luck, he has fucked other women and tries to fill the void in his life but he cannot and will not as long as he has no idea of what we could have together. I think he already knows and is just to scared to move forward, I think he is scared to death of loving and being loved, yes scared to death.

To Wish

I think of nothing but one wish that I have and that is to meet you, yes to hold your hand, touch your face, hear your voice and see your smile. We could have so much fun together if you would let yourself. I so wish to have you as a friend first and foremost and I so wish we could walk hand and hand in the falling snow.

I have so many questions I wish to have answered and I so need to know what it is I am feeling. Am I feeling things that are only in my mind or are we perfectly matched? I wish you would be kind enough to give me just one wish and that is to meet you and see what it is between us because there obviously is something there.

The Long Walk

It’s so very hard to leave someone behind, someone who meant so much to your life and to your growth. It’s not easy leaving it all behind but sometimes we know if we do not we will never be happy. It’s hard to admit to ourselves that we have failed at the one thing we prided ourselves most in.

We look at our parents and the longevity of their marriage and we strive to have the same life as they did. We do not take into consideration that life has changed, people have changed and things come so much easier to those that can buy it. We paint the perfect picture of ourselves and our family and the world see us as an upstanding young person.

We then start to realize that we have missed out on so much in our lives and we find ourselves falling for someone online. We didnt mean for this to happen it just did and even I cannot ignore my soulmate seeking me out, even I cannot put it to chance that he found me online. I do not believe in random happenings and I do not believe people come into our lives for no reason.

We are meant to be together and we can pretend otherwise but both of us know the truth to matter how we try to fight it. I will continue to replace him in my life because I need to give and receive love and waiting for him I seem to wait in vain.

To Forget

I have cared for someone I do not know and have never met, don’t ask me how it started because he was the one that started contacting me years ago on a dating site. He pretended to be an engineer living in California and he led me to believe he wanted to meet me and was coming to Michigan for work.

He never had any intention of meeting me and still doesn’t to this day but he has done everything he could to be part of my life from a distance. He has pretended to be numerous men and he has hacked my computer to find out what I am doing, he has even deleted videos and pics from my computer.

Photo on 12-20-13 at 1.39 PM #3

I have no idea what he gets out of having contact with me but he likes to play games and the only reason I still have anything to do with him is because I am not seeing anyone else. When I do meet someone who interests me I will forget about him and my online affair that gives me nothing substantial to hold onto.

He and I both know he will never meet me and I no longer even think there is the slightly of possibilities that we shall ever meet. It’s a shame that two people have a desire to meet but one will not make the appropriate moves to make that meeting happen. I guess it’s time to start looking for love in my own neck of the woods and say good bye to “him”.


It’s funny how the day starts around here as the boys like to play with Khloe and everyone is jumping on and off the bed. The boys like to sit on my hip and chase each other around the bed and come and give me kisses until I get up to let them out. They are a lively bunch and they always make me laugh and there is never enough laughter as far as I am concerned.

I think it would be nice to wake up with someone in my bed besides the animals but then again would someone else be bothered by my little friends jumping around? Would I really care? Hell no I wouldn’t because my pets bring so much to my life and if you are a pet owner you know life is nothing without them.

Ryan is going to get his wisdom teeth removed tomorrow and Im having surgery on the 27th for my shoulder so hopefully Ryan doesn’t experience any dry sockets and everything heals properly. My shoulder will take a year to heal, yes a year is what the dr. said so I think it’s going to be painful in the healing process but I can no longer deal with the pain.

Shelby got me something for xmas that she is so excited to give me and Im thinking it’s a new kitchenaid mixer. Ryan’s friend stole my other two kitchenaids and trying to make things with a hand mixer just doesn’t get it. Ryan is more concerned with getting his new friend a gift then getting his mother one but that ‘s ok with me because Im not much into opening presents anyway.

I got Ryan quite a bit more than I did Shelby but thats because he never asks for anything or rarely asks. I hope this is a good xmas for him and I hope I am able to surprise him. Shelby is such a girlie girl and loves her makeup and she loves to watch makeup videos online and she really should make her own videos because she is so good at applying it.

She wanted the Naked 3 palette eye shadow which cost fifty dollars which is something I would never buy myself but for xmas I got it for her and she will be so happy! I have already given her three gifts because I just couldn’t keep from giving them to her but she has more things coming the bad thing is her birthday is January and Ryan’s is February so it’s hard getting them things for both occasions.

I just wish I could buy them nicer things but its not possible and they understand but I wish they didn’t have to understand, I wish I could give so much more and it hurts that I cannot, thanx Bob. My kids have put me through my paces but isn’t that what kids do best? I no longer cook and bake as much as I use to and I no longer enjoy the holidays either.

It’s just another day to me but one thing I am thankful for is we have each other and its nice to have the kids home and we are together. It would be so nice to wake up with someone special in my bed on xmas morning but it isn’t going to happen this year or next year either probably. Holidays are no fun when you have no one special in your life and that seems to be the way my life has been for so long.