A Smile

Is there anyone or anything that makes you smile? My boys Gabe and Mike always make me smile and they make me feel loved always. They are always laying on me on by my side and they are so damn comical when they play. They run around the house and it’s so funny watching them and I do am so thankful for them.

2014-01-16 20.10.46When you have as much love to give as I do you either need to have someone you can express this to or you need a pet and I have pets. I have always been the type of person that when I get involved my relationships last a very long time. I stay married when I was very unhappy and have been alone since he died.

Im not looking to trap anyone and one can tell immediately if there is any chemistry between two people, if there is then great but if there isn’t then it’s all good as well and no one gets hurt. I enjoy male friendships and getting silly with my male friends is always so much fun but I would like to be involved once again.

I would like to have someone steady that I can date and spend time with, build memories, laugh and joke and have a good time with. I would love to have one person that I can be sexually active with without fear of catching some disease and someone I can cuddle with. Is this asking too much?

I want to meet someone who I can enjoy and possible have a future with but Im not looking to get married anytime soon or to tie anyone down. I just would like to meet someone with possibilities but it isn’t so easy in this twisted world. Once you have all the material shit you have ever really wanted then all there is left is to find that special someone to share it with.

It’s sharing a sunset together or an early breakfast before riding or a simple lunch next to a stream under a big oak tree, it’s about making each other feel something warm and fuzzy and it’s about making each other feel special. It’s about that one person you constantly think about and want to be with from the moment you wake until you go to sleep and then you dream about them.

It’s about fantasizing about kissing them and touching them, smelling them and loving them, it’s about wanting to give them ultimate pleasure physically not just sexually. It’s about wanting to make that person smile for no reason and its about wanting to do the little things for that person, that is what I want so badly, don’t you to?

 

Fear

It’s been over a year since my son attacked me and tried to kill me and I have lived with the physical pain as well as the emotional pain. He broke several ribs and he shoved me so hard that when I hit the wall I tore my rotor cuff in two places and had to have it sewn back to the bone. The dr. told me I had two of the worse tears he had ever seen and it would take about a year before I totally healed.

The surgery left me in terrific pain and I havent slept well in over a year but even worse since the surgery of course as you cannot sleep the normal way because I have to keep the pressure off of the shoulder. I break out in sweats throughout the day and night and then I get so cold but I generally do not feel well and feel like Im going to pass out

A mother and son relationship is unique and the bond is generally impenetrable but my son put such fear in me at the time and I feel so betrayed by him and yes I know he has an illness which he was born with because of my own genes. He’s a smart boy a loving boy who has been cheated since he was five from the father son relationship and all he has had is me and Im no prize.

I have put myself through hell physically taking care of the people in my life as I have herniated discs and a pinched nerve in my lower back from helping my husband when he became an amputee. I’ve got the pissing thing going on, my shoulder and then I was attacked by some huge fucking zit from outer space which is almost gone.

I have always been so healthy but the stress of all the losses in my life have really affected me in so many ways and my son and I have a good relationship but not like it once was and I do hope we become real close again one day. I think it’s his age that leaves us with a gap as he has to grow up.

He has been badgering me to change the settings on one of my laptops so he can do more gaming but I refuse to let him change a damn thing as he deleted needed drivers and he will not fuck things up again. I told him to leave me alone because I just cannot take his badgering. He told me I l looked terribly miserable which I am and I told him it was because of the daily pain from my shoulder.

He knows he is responsible for the damage and he is embarrassed and feels bad as he should but the pressures of living in this family have been crushing at times for all of us. Im the best mom I know how to be especially with the way I was raised but it doesn’t seem that I will ever be good enough at parenting or good enough for anyone.

Im tired of living in constant pain emotionally and physically and I really have to desire to wake up everyday because I want relief so badly. The cold makes things so much worse for me and feeling like shit everyday gives me no desire to look at anything good coming my way, well because there isn’t anything coming my way.